Megan Abbott - The Fever

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The first time, you cant believe how much it hurts.

Deenies legs are shaking, but she tries to hide it, pushing her knees together, her hand hot on her thigh.

Six other girls are waiting. A few have done it before, but most are like Deenie.

I heard you might want to throw up even, one says. I knew a girl who passed out. They had to stop in the middle.

It just kind of burns, says another. Youre sore for a few days. I heard by the third time, you dont even feel it.

Im next, Deenie thinks, a few minutes and itll be me.

If only shed gotten it over with a year ago. But shed heard about how much it hurt and no one else had done it yet, at least not anyone she knew.

Now shes one of the last ones.

When Lise comes out, her face puckered, holding on to her stomach, she wont say a word, just sits there with her hand over her mouth.

Its nothing to be scared of, Gabby says, looking at Deenie. Im not afraid.

And she takes Deenies hand and grips it, fingers digging into her palm, their clasped hands pressing down so Deenies legs stop shaking, so she feels okay.

Were in it together, Gabby adds, making Deenie look in her eyes, black and unflinching.

Right, Deenie says, nodding. How bad can it be?

The door opens.

Deenie Nash, a voice calls out.

Four minutes later, her thigh stinging, shes done. Its over.

Walking back out, shoes catching on the carpet, legs heavy as iron, she feels light-headed, a little drunk.

All the girls look at her, Gabbys face grave and expectant.

Its nothing, Deenie says, grinning. Its just nothing.

Tuesday

At first, Lises desk chair just seemed to be rocking. Deenies eyes were on it, watching the motion. The rocking of it made her feel a little sick. It reminded her of something.

She wondered if Lise was nervous about the quiz.

The night before, Deenie had prepared a long time, bringing her laptop under her covers, lying there for hours, staring at equations.

She wasnt sure it was studying, exactly, but it made her feel better, her eyes dry from screen glare, fingers tapping her lower lip. There was an uncomfortable smell from somewhere in her clothes, musky and foreign. She wanted to shower, but her dad might hear.

Two hours before, shed been at work, dropping dough balls in a machine and punching them out into square pans slick with oil. Lise and Gabby had come by and ordered the fat pizza sticks, even though Deenie warned them not to. Showed them the plastic tub of melted butter that sat all day by the hot ovens. Showed them how the oven workers stroked the sticks with the butter from that tub and how it looked like soap or old cheese.

As they left, oil-bottomed paper sacks in their hands, she wished she were going with them, wherever they were going. She was glad to see them together. Gabby and Lise were Deenies best friends but never really seemed comfortable with just each other.

By the ovens, Sean Lurie clocked in late. Wielding his long iron grippers like swords, he started teasing her. About the fancy-girl arc of her hand when shed grab a dough ball, like she was holding a kitten. The way, he said, her tongue stuck out slightly when she stretched the dough.

Like my little sister, he teased, with her Play-Doh.

He was a senior at Star-of-the-Sea, shaggy black hair, very tall. He never wore his hat, much less the hairnet, and he had a way of smiling lopsided that made her tie her apron strings tighter, made her adjust her cap.

She didnt even mind all the sweat. The sweat was part of it.

Like her brother after hockey, his dark hair wet and face sheened overshed tease him about it, but it was a look of aliveness you wanted to be around.

The heat from the ovens made his skin glow.

How it happened that two hours later she was in Sean Luries car, and a half hour after that they were parked on Montrose, deep in Binnorie Woods, she couldnt say for sure.

She hadnt told anyone yet. Not even Gabby. Not Lise.

She always heard you looked different, after.

But only the first time, said Gabby, whod done it just twice herself. To make you remember it, I guess. Deenie had wondered how you could ever forget.

You look in the mirror after, Gabby said, and its not even you.

Except Deenie had never really believed it. It seemed like one of those things they told you to make you wait forever for something everyone else was doing anyway. They didnt want you to be part of the club.

And yet, looking in the bathroom mirror after she got home, shed realized Gabby was right.

It was partly the eyessomething narrow there, something less brightbut mostly it was the mouth, which looked tender, bruised, and now forever open.

Her hands hooked on the sink ledge, her eyes resting on her dads aftershave in the deep green bottle, the same kind hed used all her life. Hed been on a date too, she realized.

Then, remembering: she hadnt really been on a date.

Now, in class, all these thoughts thudding around, it was hard to concentrate, and even harder given the rocking in Lises chair, her whole desk vibrating.

Lise, Mrs. Chalmers called out. Youre bothering everyone else.

Its happening, its happening came a low snarl from Lises delicate pink mouth. Uh-uh-uh.

Her hands flying up, she grabbed her throat, her body jolting to one side.

Then, in one swoopas if one of the football players had taken his meaty forearm and hurled ither desk overturned, clattering to the floor.

And with it Lise. Her head twisting, slamming into the tiles, her bright red face turned up, mouth teeming with froth.

Lise, sighed Mrs. Chalmers, too far in front to see. What is your problem?

Standing at his locker, late for class, Eli Nash looked at the text for a long time, and at the photo that had come with it. A girls bare midriff.

Eli, for you xxxx!

He didnt recognize the number.

It wasnt the first time hed gotten one of these, but they always surprised him. He tried to imagine what she was thinking, this faceless girl. Purple nails touching the tops of her panties, purple too, with large white polka dots.

He had no idea who it was.

Did she want him to text her back, invite her over? To sneak her into his bedroom and nudge her shaky, pliant legs apart until he was through?

A few times hed done just that. Invited them over, smuggled them to his room. The last one, a sophomore everyone called Shawty, cried after.

She admitted to drinking four beers before she came on account of nervousness, and even still, had she put her legs where she should? Should she have made more noise?

Secretly, hed wished shed made less noise.

Since then, he could only ever think about his sister, one wall away. And how he hoped Deenie never did things like this. With guys like him.

So now, when he got these texts, he didnt reply.

Except sometimes he felt kind of lonely.

The night before, his friends at a party, hed stayed home. He figured maybe a family night of bad TV and board games moldy from the basement. But Deenie wasnt around, and his dad had his own plans.

Who is she? hed asked, seeing his father wearing his date sweater, the charcoal V-neck of a serious man.