Gord Zajac - Major Karnage

Karnage woke strapped to his bed. It was a welcome change from the straitjacket and the Hole, but the catheter still stung like a bitch and he had to scratch his nose something fierce. The sickly pink glow from the overhead fluorescents was giving him a headache. He shut his eyes. The smell of rotting piss and shit from dirty bed pans filled his nostrils.

So, Karnage thought, this is retirement.

He could hear Hecklers hysterical laughter coming from elsewhere in the ward. One of the nursesprobably Fridge barked at Heckler to shut the fuck up. There came a shout of fuck you from Velasquez, followed by a much more colourful stream of invectives in Spanishthe kind only Velasquez could conjure with that magic vocab of hers. Fridgeit was definitely Fridgeshouted at Velasquez. Velasquez shouted back. Karnage did his best to shut it all out. He knew where it was all going to end: sooner or later, out would come the stun gun, and after a long series of screams, Heckler and Velasquez would be electrocuted into silence.

Karnage felt movement near the foot of his bed. He ignored it. Whatever Fridge wanted, it could fucking well wait until he was good and ready. Even if it meant getting electrocuted.

Major? a voice whispered. It was Cookie. What was he doing out of bed? Karnage squinted one eye open. Cookie stood over Karnages bed, leaning on his IV drip, his head wrapped in bandages.

Major, Cookie whispered, are you awake?

Karnage half-opened his eyes. Sit down next to me. Try not to be noticed. I dont feel like dealing with these assholes yet.

Cookie gave a half-nod and sat on the bed near Karnages head, turning his body away from Fridge.

Whats on your mind, Corporal?

I finally got it figured out, sir. Cookie looked around, making sure Fridge was well out of hearing range. He leaned in closer and in a low voice said, Im not crazy.

That a fact?

Yes, sir.

What about them voices you been hearing in your head? Karnage said.

Thats what I figured out. They aint voices. Theyre communications. Cookie tapped his bandages. Figure its got something to do with these electronics in my head.

I thought the doc said those thingsd clear up them voices?

Nah, Cookie grinned. They just clarified em. Cut out all the background noise.

That a fact?

Yes, sir, it is.

Hmm, Karnage said. What sort of communications you been getting, Corporal?

Cookie leaned in close to Karnages ear and whispered. Theyre from outer space.

Outer space, eh?

Cookies face fell. You dont believe me.

Karnage looked Cookie straight in the eye. Cookie, you aint never lied to me yet. No matter how crazy they say you are, and no matter how much they muck with your brain, I reckon you aint never gonna be able to tell a lie with a straight face. But Id be lyin if I said I werent sceptical. Keep going. Communications from outer space. You been interceptin communiques from enemy spy satellites?

No, sir. See, this is where it gets interestin. These communications? I think theyre comin from aliens.

Aliens, eh?

I mean the extraterrestrial kind, sir.

I had a feelin thats what you meant, Karnage said. What makes you think these communications are extraterrestrial in nature?

Well, sir, I done cracked every code known to manfrom Navajojibwe to SuperSanskritand this aint like nothing I ever seen before.

Now thats sayin something, Karnage nodded. Wait a minute. What do you mean seen? You been writing this stuff down, Corporal?

Cookie took one last look around before rolling up his sleeve. Lines of jagged squiggles ran up and down his arm. I been transcribin these here messages, Major.

They look like squiggles, Karnage said.

Cookie nodded. Thats exactly what they sound like, sir.

They sound like squiggles?

Yes, sir!

I dont know, Cookie. They all look the same to me.

Cookie grinned. Thats what I thought, too, at first. Just random squiggly noises. But theres a pattern to em. Took me forever to start noticing em, but thats what I been trained to do. Theres all sortsa variations. You gotta listen carefully to pick em up.

Karnage took another look at the markings on Cookies arm. They were red around the edges, like Cookie had been pressing too hard when he was writing it down. Probably scribbling like a madman to get it all down, Karnage thought. He still couldnt see any differences. Karnage looked at Cookies earnest face.

Cookie, he said. If anybodys got the ears to pick up on that sort of stuff, its you. Go on, Corporal.

Cookie beamed. He wriggled closer to Karnages head and pointed at the first squiggle on his wrist. You see this here? This is how all the messages begin. Its like a greetin or something. And this one right next to it? That always comes next. I think its a kinda confirmation code. Lets the sender know the transmissions bein received.

They look the same to me, Karnage said.

Cookies head bobbed up and down like a parakeet. Thats what I thought, too. At first. But the second is tilted just three degrees to the left. See?

Karnage looked again. Yeah, now that you mention itwait a minute. This is all in your own handwritin. How do you know it aint just yer scrawl thats gone and tilted three degrees?

Cookie stiffened. His voice was clipped. Sir, I transcribed it exactly as I heard it, sir.

You mean to say you can hear a three degree tilt?

Cookie nodded. Yes, sir.

Karnage looked Cookie up and down. Cookie, you are impressin me all over again.

Cookied relaxed. A smile pulled at the corners of his mouth. He warmed to the subject. I cant make much sense outta the rest of it yet. Just seems like a lot o gobbledy-gook. But theres certain patterns that keep popping up. I think its a numbering system.

Numbers, eh? Numbers for what?

Well, if I had to guess, Id say theyre co-ordinates.

Karnages pulse quickened. What kind of co-ordinates?

Cookie shrugged. I dont right know, Major.

Karnage strained against his bonds. He desperately wanted to grab Cookie by the shoulders. Could it be military targets? Some kind of tactical strike?

Cookie hesitated. I-I dont really want to guess here, Major

Guess, Corporal! Guess!

Now you gotta realize Im just conjecturin here.

Cookie!

Cookie leaned in within inches of Karnages ear. Well, if I had to guess Im thinking these are plans for some kind of Cookies voice became the barest of whispers. invasion.

Invasion!

The word set off fireworks in Karnages brain. His ears burned. His blood pumped hot and fast through his body.

He always knew this would happen. There would always be another battle. Always had been. Always would be. It had just been a matter of time. And now, after all these years, that time had finally come.

Karnage strained against his bonds. His voiced boomed with his best drill sergeant bark. Corporal! Weve got to act fast! Call the general! Mobilize the infantry! Get me my rifle! Get me outta this bed! Uncle Stanley wont get the drop on us this time. Theres a battle needs fightin and were the grunts to do it. Dont just stand there, Corporal! Do something! Velasquez! Heckler! Koch! On your feet, soldiers!

Major, please, Cookie frantically jerked his sleeve back down over his forearm. Fridgell hear you!