Vernon Chatman - Mindsploitation: Asinine Assignments for the Online Homework Cheating Industry

Asinine Assignments For The Online Homework Cheating Industry

Published by Seven Footer Press

247 West 30th Street

Second Floor

New York, NY 10001

First printing March 2013

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

2013 Vernon Chatman

All rights reserved.

Cover, Layout, and Illustrations by David OReilly

ISBN 978-1-939158-99-4

Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no parts of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

www.sevenfooterpress.com

By Vernon Chatman

By Louis C.K.

Ive known Vernon Chatman for almost a decade. What always amazes me about Vernon is that he will have an idea and then he'll actually do it. This book is a very good example of that.

This book is awesome, its entertaining (I havent read this book) and hilarious. Vernon explained to me that this book is about getting online services to write essays for him based on ridiculous premises.

Hold on a second, I need to read at least some of it or this is just dishonest. Hold on please. I mean, I realize that the passage of time between this and the next sentence will not be experienced by you reading it as it is by me writing it so I don't really need to tell you to wait because, like a miraculous time machine, you will be able to go from this sentence to the next, though written a whole day apart, in an instant.

See? This is now the next day. Im writing this a day later than the part right before this. And yet, for you it was no time at all.

The only trouble is that I promised to read some of Vernons book in the time I was away. But I didnt. I didnt do much of anything. I ate some Tates chocolate chip cookies. I googled my own name. I took a long nap. Like eight hours. (I guess that was actually me sleeping.) But I didnt read Vernons book. Okay. Im sorry. Ill read some of it now. Again, please just... dont do anything. But Im going to go read the book and then come back.

Hi. Im back. Its been six months since I wrote that last sentence. A lot has changed in those six months. But again, to you reading this, no time has gone by. Unless you put this down yourself and went away and then came back to it.

Okay. Enough. I have read some, but not all, of Vernons book. Its really good. See, Vernon is not only a very creative guy, but also a selfless and generous guy.

FDR once said, There is no end to what you can accomplish if youre willing to give other people the credit. Vernons book is a creative version of this. Most writers are self-obsessed and they believe their writing comes from some golden spring in their brains. But Vernon is more interested in what creative work he can make come out of other peoples brains. Hes a comedy sociologist. Do we need a comedy sociologist? Maybe not. But having one, or reading a book by one, will never give AIDS to a baby or make a hurricane ruin a library.

The bottom line is, this book exists. And you are reading it. That is the only fact you can be entirely certain of. As long as your brain is occupied by processing these words, nothing else is even real. So just keep reading and maybe your wife didnt leave you after all. And by the way, stop telling people your wife left you when they say how are you? Just say Im fine. Dont bum everyone out. Jesus.

Okay. I think the bottom of the page is coming soon. Which means I have to go. I have to go over there. To the part of the room that I am pointing at.

And Im not taking this computer with me so I wont be writing anymore. Yes, its a laptop, and I could bring it over there and keep writing. But thats not the point.

The bottom of the page is coming.

See how close I am to it?

My god. It's so awful.

How a page just ends.

It just stops.

My god.

Oh my god

The author would like to thank the following horrible companies for assisting in the creation of this manuscript:

Dearest Reader,

Years ago when I attended college, my classmates and I never shirked our responsibilities. Every day we rolled up our sleeves and took the initiative to employ only the most thoughtful and diligent online custom-essay-writing companies to do our homework for us - at a hefty price per page. Recently however, social standards have nose-dived butt-first into a dramatic turn for the craven, evidenced by how the legitimate online cheating industry has become overrun by cheap, barely-competent, non-native English-speaking netizens of such backwater hick towns as Bangalore, Pakistan, and New Jersey.

As a vital service to mankind, I have taken valuable time out of my busy schedule of throwing cranberries to the ceiling and catching them in my mouth to put these new companies to the test, under a panoply of clever aliases, and at my own expense. The results of this noble outsourcing experiment are presented here wholly unedited. What follows are 100% REAL exchanges with actual online essay writing companieswith all errors carefully preserved in the interest of scientifical accuracy*.

Kindly hold your applause until the end of the book,

VERNON V CHATMAN IV

Dear EssayHelpers,

I need you guys to write a essay for my Personal Journalism In 21st Century Heartsong class. Its a fairly standard EDPT (Emotionally Devastating Personal Tragedy) essay assignment:

Movingly explore the deep psychological scars, intense emotional trauma, fruity philosophical insights, and sneaky hidden fees of losing a loved one OR family member to the ravages of Dame Death (the same fate that awaits us all, lurking neath every shadow bah ha ha...).

Ew, right? I volunteered to write about the death of my beloved grandma Grace Von Chewby, before I realized I am just too dang heartsick to scrape together enough cold-eyed eloquence to earn me more than a C+ (Im going for an A on this as a tribute to her gentle face). So Im calling in you guys to do it.

A few details you gotta know about her for the essay: She was a cruel woman, but short. She always used to tickle her 18 kitties till they collapsed into spastic piles of hysterical laughter. This was how she made her living, somehow. (Maybe thru tips...?) Write about how she could make anyone smile (or breakfast) with just a 5 dollar bill (or some eggs). Legend has it she once killed a duck with just a pack of cards, a peanut, a stopwatch, a blowgun, and a hammer. (It had waddled into her rose garden and greedily eaten a cherry pie she had set out to cool on the edge of her lip.) Also she sheehefhhg shhhii ffkskd hidngdi... (See? I cant write about her! Its too painful!!) You guys do it.