Jon Macks - How to Be Funny: The One and Only Practical Guide for Every Occasion, Situation, and Disaster (no kidding)

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HOW TO BE

Funny

JON MACKS

Simon & Schuster Paperbacks

New York London Toronto Sydney

SIMON & SCHUSTER PAPERBACKS

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New York, NY 10020

www.SimonandSchuster.com

Copyright 2003 by Wild Bronco Productions, Inc.

All rights reserved,

including the right of reproduction

in whole or in part in any form.

First Simon & Schuster paperback edition 2005

SIMON & SCHUSTER PAPERBACKS and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Simon & Schuster Special Sales at 1-800-456-6798 or business@simonandschuster.com.

Designed by Laura Lindgren

Manufactured in the United States of America

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3

The Library of Congress has cataloged this title as follows:

Macks, Jon.

How to be funny / Jon Macks.

p. cm.

1. Wit and humorHistory and criticism. I. Title.

PN6147 .M124 2003

817.009dc21 2003050665

ISBN-13: 978-0-7432-0472-9

ISBN-10: 0-7432-0472-7

eISBN-13: 978-1-451-60347-7

To Julie, Daniel, Samantha, and Ricky

Acknowledgments

To David Rosenthal, Marysue Rucci, Tara Parsons, and all the people at Simon & Schuster who inspired and guided me through this.

To Jay Leno, the best boss anyone could have and the funniest person I have ever known.

To James Carville, who came up with the idea for this book, and to Mary Matalin, for her words of encouragement throughout this process.

To Billy Crystal, Steve Martin, Whoopi Goldberg, David Steinberg, Gil Cates, Don Mischer, Lou Horvitz, Michael Seligman, Jeff Margolis, Gary Smith, George Schlatter, Henry Winkler, Michael Levitt, Pat Lee, John Moffitt, Bruce Vilanch, Tom Bergeron, and Jay Redack, all of whom gave me a start in comedy writing or a break along the way.

To all the people, some of whom are mentioned above, who contributed their wisdom and humor to this book: Garry Shandling, Conan OBrien, Rita Rudner, Arsenio Hall, Carrie Fisher, Buz Kohan, Paul Begala, Bob Ellison, Stefanie Wilder, Gilbert Gottfried, Eddie Driscoll, Dave Barry, Paul Harris, Jeffrey Ross, and Andy Breckman.

To Dave Boone and Bob ODonnell for their friendship and support.

To all the writers at The Tonight Show and Hollywood Squares who show the world every day what funny really is.

To Jack Dytman, Bob Myman, Les Abell, and Mike Klein, who handle the behind the scenes for Wild Bronco Productions.

To the makers of Valtrex.

To my parents, Albert and Sylvia, my brother, Adam, his wife, Susan, and my nephew, Jeremy.

To my new baseball team, the Cobras. For those who follow this, this is my sixth team in ten years and Im not being traded because Im good.

To Bill Kernochan, Bob Benton, and Mike Justice, who step in and cover for me when I blow off my sports coaching obligations.

To the makers of Bombay Sapphire gin.

To Josh, my personal trainer, who in two years has turned a 165-pound weakling into a 164-pound weakling.

To Senator Herb Kohl, Senator Tom Daschle, and Senator John Kerry, who are great public servants and even better human beings.

To the makers of the EPT home pregnancy test.

To the Agoura Cyclones and the Agoura Bronco AAs.

To Fang and Bridget, Denise, Dennis, Katie and Kara, Bob and Beth, Rob and Kaye, whom I mention by name so they will actually buy this book.

And finally, to that special person out there who wasnt mentioned by name, but you know who you are and what youve done for me. Or is it what youve done to me?

HOW TO BE

Funny

Introduction

This book has one aimto teach you how to be funny in everyday life. It wont help you become a standup comic, and it wont help you become a comedy writer. It wont help you repeat other peoples jokes, and it definitely wont increase your chances of recovering the $20,000 you lost in WorldCom last year.

But if you read this book from front to back, follow the advice, and work at being funny, you will learn to use humor to: improve your public speaking; end an argument; avoid getting beaten up; get a raise at work; make people think youre smart. You will see that being funny can make you more popular, enable you to pass the time in prison without being violated by large, angry men (especially useful for you CEOs out there), and help you get selected as a contestant on a game show because the producers look for amusing extroverts on these shows, not Harry Potterobsessed introverts. In short, this book can help you ridicule and diminish your enemies, handle your kids, and deal with idiots in everyday situations; it will enable you to make a point, and ruin a rivals big momentand all of this for only $12.

Historically the male book buyer is the hardest to entice. (Unless the book has a lot of pictures and a centerfold.) So if the above-mentioned reasons dont inspire you, how about the fact that this book will help improve your sex life? If there is one thing that is certain in life, its that the number-one trait women look for in deciding whether to have sex with someone they just met is a sense of humor. So if you have a big expense account, a six figure income, plus a sense of humor, youve got it made.

One thing to remember as you begin your journey to funny: A lot of this book is repetitive. A lot of the advice from the pros is repetitive. This is not because I get paid by the word. Its so you will realize that to be funny, there are a few basic fundamentals of comedy that you need to learn, absorb, and try, repeatedly.

CAVEAT: You dont need the comic gene to be funny, although I have to admit, there are people who are born funny. But these techniques and advice will not work if you have the unfunny gene. And we all know people like that. They just dont get it. They are marching to the beat of a different drummer and the drummer is Pete Best.

By the way, I used Pete Best to make a pointoutdated references fail in the world of humor. Always use a fresh topical reference. However, since my list of drummers who are total losers begins and ends with Pete Best, were stuck with him although one more stint in rehab for Ringo and he could once again replace Pete. But I digress. There are people who are just genetically unfunny, who cant deliver a joke because they dont know what a joke is. A classic exampleRussian president Vladimir Putin. Or Joe Piscopo.

So if you are a comedically-genetically-deformed person, return this book and get your money back.

However, if you are not in this infinitesimally small group, read on.

10 REASONS WHY

BEING FUNNY IS IMPORTANT

Funny people have more friends.

There are three ways in life to become popular: be rich, be beautiful, or be funny. Everyone likes being around witty, entertaining people who can make them laugh. Its why you rarely see pictures of Osama bin Laden sitting at the head table of a bar mitzvah.

Funny people get noticed at work.

No, were not talking about the idiot who photocopies his buttocks in the mailroom, or the moron who wastes valuable Internet time forwarding non-original e-mails to everyone all day. Were talking about the employee who can keep peoples interest during a presentation by being funny, the supervisor who can build loyalty and a sense of camaraderie through the bonding that comes with the sharing of a joke, or the security guard who can get a chuckle out of the angry, disgruntled employee.

Funny people make more money.

Its a proven fact that people who can make others laugh make more money. Its the reason the president only makes $400,000 a year, while Carrot Top pulls down $17 million.