Alex Iantaffi - Life Isn’t Binary: On Being Both, Beyond, and In-Between

LIFE
ISNT
BINARY

On Being Both, Beyond,
and In-Between

Meg-John Barker and
Alex Iantaffi

Foreword by CN Lester

Jessica Kingsley Publishers
London and Philadelphia

Contents

Foreword

One of the most insidious side effects of the authoritarian backlash of the last few years has been the forcing of marginalized people into a defensive position. Hostility towards those of us who challenge societys binaries is common: inescapable in public spaces, at work, at home, at school. Too often that hostility bleeds over into outright violence: the immediate violence of personal attacks, and the cumulative violence of denial, exclusion, and victimization.

In the face of this backlash were frequently compelled to explain ourselves as oddities and unfortunates: Why would I choose to be this way if I could avoid it? Dont you think I wish I could be different? With our safety on the line, sometimes this feels like the only way of being heard. Sometimes this is the story we tell others and, repeated over and over again, it can easily become the story we end up telling ourselves.

But there are other waysand Life Isnt Binary demonstrates these insights and techniques in a way both accessible and profound. Living beyond a binaryof gender, of sexuality, of body and mindcan lead to new sources of both knowledge and happiness. The suffering we experience does not cancel out the wisdom we gain, nor the possibilities for new ways of living. An awareness of the co-existence of these disparate, contrasting elements is at the core of the wisdom we gain. And this wisdom is not limited to one category of identity, or one subset of person, but is something that we can all contribute to, learn from, and share.

Lets be clear: this is no niche issue. While some aspects of non-binary thinking and feelingnon-binary genders, for instancemay seem new, the problem of rigid binary categorization is an old one that affects us all. Us vs. them polarization, and the political movements that feed off the hatred this builds, is wrecking damage on a global scale. Tackling binaries isnt an academic exercise, but something that cuts to the heart of who we are, as individuals and as societies. And in this book, Meg-John Barker and Alex Iantaffi face this polarization head on, with both understanding and potential solutions.

Life Isnt Binary practices what it preaches; it isnt strictly a personal account, a self-help book, or an academic resource. Instead, Barker and Iantaffi craft a work that avoids either/or in favor of both/and. The depth of research on display is exemplary, but this is more than just a textbook or a non-fiction guide. Alongside engaging information on vital social issuesintersectionality, race, disability, sexuality, gendertheres an invitation for readers to craft their own journey through exercises, reflections, writing prompts and therapeutic guides. The authors bust myths, ground the hardest concepts in snarky pop culture references, build on community experience and learning, share multiple points of view, and open up about their own lives. A generosity of spirit and lightness of touch runs throughout the bookno matter how heavy the topic, I never felt preached at or talked down to.

Ive been living an openly non-binary life for two decades now, in terms of my sexuality, my gender, and my experiences of mental and physical illness and impairment. I blithely assumed that Id be familiar with most of the topics covered in Life Isnt Binary I was excited and intrigued to be proved wrong. Barker and Iantaffi introduced me to non-binary concepts Id never heard of beforeecosexuality for oneand repositioned subjects I thought I knew inside and out so that new facets sparkled into view. Throughout the book I felt, by turns, comforted, challenged, fascinated, turned off, turned on. I didnt agree with everything I readand that in itself is one of the most original aspects of Life Isnt Binary . This is a work that acknowledges and celebrates a diversity of experiences, opinions, and forms of knowledgeincluding the fact that this diversity must inevitably include conflict. The authors encourage us to explore even negative emotionsanger, sadness, disgustas sources of insight and creativityan approach that resonated with me in a profound and necessary way. This is not a didactic and exclusionary book, but a welcoming and open-ended one.

Its a common assumption that only non-binary people care about non-binary issues: that queer theory is only for queer people, that only people of color need to talk about racism. Not only is that assumption wrong, but it leaves all the heavy lifting to the people already carrying the heaviest burdens. I was so glad to find a workthis bookwhich starts with the knowledge that these issues are everybodys business. Id certainly recommend Life Isnt Binary to my non-binary friendsbut Id be even more likely to put it in the hands of those whove never even considered that they might have something to gain from these experiences and ideas. The questions addressed arent just might I be trans? might I be bisexual? (although if those are your worries then read on, validation lies ahead)theyre who am I, in relation to others? and how do I make sense of the injustices of the world? Its about how you want to define yourself (or not)but also an invitation to think about just how big, deep, and expansive the world can be.

The world is always changing and, right now, the number of people identifying outside of binary categories is one of the biggest and most obvious of those changes. Whether were at the heart of that movement or watching it with bemusement from the edges, we owe it to ourselves and to each other to learn more. But beyond that, we have a chance to use these issues as prompts to greater understanding and greater possibilities. Barker and Iantaffi have written the book we all need for this moment in time. Im so grateful that they have.

CN Lester
Author of Trans Like Me

Introduction

Why this book?

In recent years there has been an explosion of interest in sexualities and genders beyond the binaries of straight/gay and male/female. National surveys report that nearly half of young people see themselves on a spectrum of sexuality somewhere between homosexuality and heterosexuality. Further research has found that over a third of people experience themselves as beingto some extentthe other gender, both genders and/or neither gender. In Life Isnt Binary we take bisexual and non-binary gender experiences as starting points for an exploration of the whole idea of being between or beyond binaries in several key aspects of our lives.

Weve always felt that non-binary perspectives have far more to offer us than just a different way of thinking about our gender and sexual identities. In fact, when we find ourselves stuck thinking that there are only two options, we often invite ourselvesand each otherto think about whether there is indeed a third option (or more). Polarized thinking can often be a response to trauma, and we have found that challenging binaries in all aspects of our lives has opened up possibilities that would have been otherwise hidden. Youll notice in the book that we often ask you to think about what something might open up or close down. Inviting you to consider life from a non-binary perspective is about shifting our framework away from a rigid either/or perspective, towards both / and possibilities, which embrace paradox and uncertainty.

When we turn to the wider world, we see a good deal of binary thinking. Politicians and journalists tend to frame everything as a debate between two sides. People divide into us and them in conflicts at every level from the micro to the macro. Boundaries and borders are drawn between inside and outside. Throughout this book well unpack where such binaries come from and how they frequently limit our understanding and our ways of relating to ourselves and each other.