Jane Greer Dr. - What About Me?: Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship

Lydia and Jake havent had sex in two months. Lydia cant figure out how they reached this point. Jake, on the other hand, blames it on the makeup mirror in their bathroom. About six months ago, he told Lydia to please push the extending arm of the mirror back against the wall when shes done with it, because he was constantly bumping into it as he got ready for bed. But she never remembers! So every night Jake hits his head, sometimes hard, realizes she forgotor that she chose not to do this simple thingand feels immediately angry. By the time he gets into bed, hes seething, and the last thing he wants to do is be nice to his wife. He doesnt turn to her the way he used to do, with his head on his pillow, and take her hand. He doesnt kiss her or gently tickle her like he has done for most of their marriage. He stares straight ahead, or grabs his book, and the road to sex is blocked.

For Lydia and Jake it is the makeup mirror, but your complaint could be anythingthe toilet seat that is never put down, the kitchen drawer that is always left open, your partners shoes that you constantly trip over. It is that annoying thing in your relationship that you keep banging into, the thing that makes you wonder why your partner cant make this one change for you. Its a Selfish Hot Spot, an action that drives you crazy and leads to a Selfish Standoff, an impasse in your relationship you just cant seem to get past.

Everyone has needs and desires. That is indisputable. Put two people together, and the likelihood that their needs will correspond exactly is slim to none. Sure, sometimes people want the same things: to get married, to have children, to keep the house thermostat at an even 68 degrees summer or winter. But what happens when, even if in theory people want the same things, they dont want them at the same time? Or what about when people dont want the same things at all? He likes a cold house, but she wants it to be warm. She wants to get engaged, but he wants to wait and see how it goes. Jake wants that mirror against the wall every time Lydia leaves the bathroom. But Lydia, who isnt tall enough to be bothered by the mirror, cant see what the big deal is. She tries to remember, but if she doesnt, she wonders why he cant just turn it around himself.

Is one persons need more important than anothers? If Jake gets his way, isnt he being selfish? If Lydia cant do this for Jake, isnt she thinking only of herself?

Welcome to the Selfish Game. You start out having fun with your partner, both wanting to share. However, somewhere along the way the game becomes competitive without your even realizing it, because if you are one of two people with different needs, a clash is inevitable. You end up pitting your needs against each other instead of being able to find a compromise, so that in the end there is either a winner or a loser. The minute that you have any differences in style, taste, preference, or personality that require a sacrifice from either you or your partner, it is going to raise the question of whether one of you is being selfish. And the game is afoot.

In every relationship you have basic needs that constantly simmer below the details of life. Youre looking to feel loved, desired, valued, accepted, safe, and secure. You want to please your partner and be pleased by them. You want attention, and you want your thoughts, ideas, and feelings to be validated. You want to see your best reflected in your loved ones eyesthe admiration, attraction, desire, and respect that you hope your partner has for you.