Harriet Lerner - Why Won’t You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts

Advance Praise for

Why Wont You Apologize?

If you want to know why Harriet Lerner is one of my great heroes, Why Wont You Apologize? is the answer. This book is a game changer.

Bren Brown, Ph.D., LMSW, author of the #1 New York Times bestseller Rising Strong

Harriet Lerner is one hell of a wise woman. She draws you in with deft and engaging prose, and then changes your life with her rigorous intelligence and her deeply human advice. I promise that you will never see the apology in quite the same way.

Esther Perel, MA , LMFT , author of Mating in Captivity

If you want to learn the art and craft of apology and repair when youve hurt someone, this is your book. If you are frustrated with a person who is no good at accepting responsibility for hurting you, this is your book. If you want powerful insights into human relationships, let me say it plainly: This is the best self-help book Ive ever read!

William Doherty, Ph.D., professor of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota, author of Take Back Your Marriage

Why Wont You Apologize? is at once practical and profound. It guides us through the most difficult places in human relationships. Read this book, then pass it on to the non-apologizer in your life.

Monica McGoldrick, MA , LCSW , Ph.D. (Honorary), director of the Multicultural Family Institute in Highland Park, New Jersey

With luminous stories and clinical nuance, Harriet Lerner shows us the value and power of apologiesand how to deliver and receive them. We applaud her achievement, including her compelling analysis of the dynamics of forgiveness. We recommend this book to anyone who has suffered hurt from others or caused others to suffer. Who among us has not done both?

Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D., authors of Making Marriage Simple and Getting the Love You Want

With her signature punch and humor, Harriet Lerner tackles the injuries that occur in marriage, family, and friendship. Her advice for repairing hurts and earning forgiveness is fresh, profound, life-affirming, and immediately useful.

Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., author of After the Affair and How Can I Forgive You?

A profoundly insightful look into the many ways humans hurt each other and the power of apology to restore broken relationships. Harriet Lerner has written a valuable guide for both those who deserve an apology and those who owe one.

John Kador, author of Effective Apology

I love Harriet Lerners work!

Anne Lamott, author of Help, Thanks, Wow

Lerner takes us beyond the simple Im sorry to show us how to restore connection with those we love the most. This wise and eminently down-to-earth book is a guide that will last a lifetime and heal the hearts of so many.

Dr. Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight and Love Sense

Why Wont You Apologize? is an immensely intelligent book. Lerner is an intrepid agent of change. What a gift!

Judith V. Jordan, Ph.D., director of the Jean Baker Miller Training Institute at the Wellesley Center for Women

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For my grandchildren

Cyrus and Theo

Luca and Marcela

And for their parents

Matt and Jo

Ben and Ari

Contents

CHAPTER 1

The Many Faces of Im Sorry

M y humorist friend Jennifer Berman drew a cartoon of the guy with a million excuses. My personal favorite is, Im sorry... but you never ASKED me if I was married with kids. Then theres the New Yorker cartoon that shows a father talking to his grown son. I wanted to be there for you growing up, I really did, the dad says. But I got a foot cramp. And then a thing came up at the storeanyway, you understand.

While the humor of both cartoons rests on their absurdity, we have all received apologies followed by rationalizations that undo them. They are never satisfying. In fact, they do considerable harm.

Ive been studying apologiesand the men and women who cant give themfor over two decades. Of course, you dont need to be an expert on the subject to recognize when a well-deserved apology is not forthcoming, or when a bad apology flattens you. Im sorry wont cut it if its insincere, a quick way to get out of a difficult conversation, or followed by a justification or excuse.

The healing power of a good apology is also immediately recognizable. When someone offers me a genuine apology, I feel relieved and soothed. Whatever anger and resentment I may still be harboring melts away. I also feel better when I offer an apology I know is due. Im enormously grateful that I can repair the disconnection after having made a mistake or acted badly. Not that Ive always been a champion apologizer. With my husband, Steve, for example, I like to apologize for exactly my share of the problemas I calculate it, of courseand I expect him to apologize for his share, also as I calculate it. Needless to say, we dont always do the same math.

Were all apology-challenged with certain people and in some situations. Some apologies are easier to offer than others. Its one thing to forget to return your neighbors Tupperware, and another to sleep with her husband. For a small insensitivity, a simple and heartfelt Im sorry may be all it takes, but not all of our insensitivities are simple.

This book will teach you how to craft a deeply meaningful apology, and decode apologies that are blame-reversing, ambiguous, and downright mean. Going beyond the how-tos of the good apology, well be looking at compelling stories that illustrate how much the simple apology matters and why we so often muck it up. Well also be looking at heroic apologies that can open the door to forgiveness and healing in even the most difficult circumstances.

As the title Why Wont You Apologize? suggests, the chapters ahead are also for the hurt or angry person who has received a weaselly or insincere apologyor none at all. When weve been insulted or injured by someone who just doesnt get it, we can learn the steps necessary to change the tone of the conversation and get through. Other times, however, nothing we say or do will change the unrepentant wrongdoer. In fact, the more serious the harm, the less likely it is for the wrongdoer to feel genuine remorse and make amends. What does the hurt party do then?

The challenge of apology and reconciliation is a dance that occurs between at least two people. We are all, many times over, on both sides of the equation. Lets begin with a brief sorry sampler sorrys that go from easy to medium to hard.

THE SIMPLEST IM SORRY

The simplest Im sorry, the one easiest to offer, is when nothing is anybodys fault. We say these two words not as an apology but rather as an empathic response to another persons pain (Im so sorry you have to go through this ordeal), or to a situation that has inconvenienced them (Im sorry Im late. An accident on the interstate tied up the traffic). Here, Im sorry recognizes that the other person was put out or going through a difficult time, and we want to communicate that we care.

In many situations, saying Im sorry requires relatively little effortbut the failure to extend it is not a small omission. Life is hard, and even the briefest of interactions with strangers can brighten your day or haunt it. Its not that youre going to sink into a major depression because the woman in the grocery store nearly ran you down with her cart, and rushed off without even looking up. You might assume that she failed to apologize because she didnt care, or, alternatively, that she was too preoccupied or overcome with shame to make eye contact and speak. Whatever her reasons, it just doesnt feel good, and the not-good feeling hangs on. Sometimes, the failure of the other person to apologize when they should hits us harder than the deed they should apologize for.