Lerner - Why wont you apologize?: healing big betrayals and everyday hurts

Advance Praise for

Why Wont You Apologize?

If you want to know why Harriet Lerner is one of my great heroes, Why Wont You Apologize? is the answer. This book is a game changer.

Bren Brown, Ph.D., LMSW, author of the #1 New York Times bestseller Rising Strong

Harriet Lerner is one hell of a wise woman. She draws you in with deft and engaging prose, and then changes your life with her rigorous intelligence and her deeply human advice. I promise that you will never see the apology in quite the same way.

Esther Perel, MA , LMFT , author of Mating in Captivity

If you want to learn the art and craft of apology and repair when youve hurt someone, this is your book. If you are frustrated with a person who is no good at accepting responsibility for hurting you, this is your book. If you want powerful insights into human relationships, let me say it plainly: This is the best self-help book Ive ever read!

William Doherty, Ph.D., professor of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota, author of Take Back Your Marriage

Why Wont You Apologize? is at once practical and profound. It guides us through the most difficult places in human relationships. Read this book, then pass it on to the non-apologizer in your life.

Monica McGoldrick, MA , LCSW , Ph.D. (Honorary), director of the Multicultural Family Institute in Highland Park, New Jersey

With luminous stories and clinical nuance, Harriet Lerner shows us the value and power of apologiesand how to deliver and receive them. We applaud her achievement, including her compelling analysis of the dynamics of forgiveness. We recommend this book to anyone who has suffered hurt from others or caused others to suffer. Who among us has not done both?

Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D., authors of Making Marriage Simple and Getting the Love You Want

With her signature punch and humor, Harriet Lerner tackles the injuries that occur in marriage, family, and friendship. Her advice for repairing hurts and earning forgiveness is fresh, profound, life-affirming, and immediately useful.

Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., author of After the Affair and How Can I Forgive You?

A profoundly insightful look into the many ways humans hurt each other and the power of apology to restore broken relationships. Harriet Lerner has written a valuable guide for both those who deserve an apology and those who owe one.

John Kador, author of Effective Apology

I love Harriet Lerners work!

Anne Lamott, author of Help, Thanks, Wow

Lerner takes us beyond the simple Im sorry to show us how to restore connection with those we love the most. This wise and eminently down-to-earth book is a guide that will last a lifetime and heal the hearts of so many.

Dr. Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight and Love Sense

Why Wont You Apologize? is an immensely intelligent book. Lerner is an intrepid agent of change. What a gift!

Judith V. Jordan, Ph.D., director of the Jean Baker Miller Training Institute at the Wellesley Center for Women

BY THE AUTHOR

Why Wont You Apologize?

Marriage Rules

The Dance of Fear

The Dance of Connection

The Mother Dance

Life Preservers

The Dance of Deception

The Dance of Intimacy

The Dance of Anger

Women in Therapy

Franny B. Kranny, Theres a Bird in Your Hair!

(with Susan Goldhor)

Whats So Terrible About Swallowing an Appleseed?

(with Susan Goldhor)

Touchstone

An Imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

1230 Avenue of the Americas

New York, NY 10020

Copyright 2017 by Harriet Lerner

Parts of this book have appeared in The Dance of Connection and in the Psychology Today blog by the same name. Identifying details of therapy clients have been changed to protect confidentiality.

Excerpt from Citizen: An American Lyric copyright 2014 by Claudia Rankine. Reprinted with permission of The Permissions Company, Inc., on behalf of Graywolf Press, www.graywolfpress.org.

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Touchstone Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

First Touchstone hardcover edition January 2017

TOUCHSTONE and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Simon & Schuster Special Sales at 1-866-506-1949 or .

The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event. For more information or to book an event, contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com.

Interior design by Kyle Kabel

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Lerner, Harriet Goldhor, author.

Title: Why wont you apologize? : healing big betrayals and everyday hurts / Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.

Description: New York : Touchstone, [2016]

Identifiers: LCCN 2016005361 | ISBN 9781501129599 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781501129612 (pbk.)

Subjects: LCSH: Apologizing. | Interpersonal conflict. | Interpersonal relations.

Classification: LCC BF575.A75 L47 2016 | DDC 158.2dc23 LC record available at http://lccn.loc.gov/2016005361

ISBN 978-1-5011-2959-9

ISBN 978-1-5011-2962-9 (ebook)

For my grandchildren

Cyrus and Theo

Luca and Marcela

And for their parents

Matt and Jo

Ben and Ari

CHAPTER 1

The Many Faces of Im Sorry

M y humorist friend Jennifer Berman drew a cartoon of the guy with a million excuses. My personal favorite is, Im sorry... but you never ASKED me if I was married with kids. Then theres the New Yorker cartoon that shows a father talking to his grown son. I wanted to be there for you growing up, I really did, the dad says. But I got a foot cramp. And then a thing came up at the storeanyway, you understand.

While the humor of both cartoons rests on their absurdity, we have all received apologies followed by rationalizations that undo them. They are never satisfying. In fact, they do considerable harm.

Ive been studying apologiesand the men and women who cant give themfor over two decades. Of course, you dont need to be an expert on the subject to recognize when a well-deserved apology is not forthcoming, or when a bad apology flattens you. Im sorry wont cut it if its insincere, a quick way to get out of a difficult conversation, or followed by a justification or excuse.

The healing power of a good apology is also immediately recognizable. When someone offers me a genuine apology, I feel relieved and soothed. Whatever anger and resentment I may still be harboring melts away. I also feel better when I offer an apology I know is due. Im enormously grateful that I can repair the disconnection after having made a mistake or acted badly. Not that Ive always been a champion apologizer. With my husband, Steve, for example, I like to apologize for exactly my share of the problemas I calculate it, of courseand I expect him to apologize for his share, also as I calculate it. Needless to say, we dont always do the same math.

Were all apology-challenged with certain people and in some situations. Some apologies are easier to offer than others. Its one thing to forget to return your neighbors Tupperware, and another to sleep with her husband. For a small insensitivity, a simple and heartfelt Im sorry may be all it takes, but not all of our insensitivities are simple.