Janise Beaumont - The Power of Forgiveness: Why Its Good to Forgive Your Friend, Your Boss, Your Family and Everyone Else Who Hurts and Betrays

WHY ITS GOOD TO FORGIVE
YOUR FRIEND, YOUR BOSS,
YOUR FAMILY AND EVERYONE
WHO HURTS AND BETRAYS

JANISE BEAUMONT

First published in 2009 by Allen & Unwin

Copyright Janise Beaumont 2009

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ISBN 978 1 74175 767 5

Set in 11/14 pt Minion Pro by Bookhouse, Sydney
Printed in Australia by McPhersons Printing Group

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

CONTENTS

Part One
DONT GET MAD... GET EVEN

Part two
MIRACLES HAPPEN

Part three
ITS OFFICIAL...

Part Four
FORGIVING YOURSELF

1
DONT GET MAD. GET EVEN

Im guessing here, but I figure hate is a bit like heroin. Both make you feel fabulous for a time, then they start to eat at you from the inside out. Eventually, the chances of you reaching your full potential are in danger of being shot to bits. The joke is, while you continue to loathe and despise someone long after the eventsay the girl or guy who beat you to a lead role in a school production of Greaseyoure only hurting yourself, while the bitch who played Sandy, or the creep who shone as Danny, is probably enjoying life way more than you.

Theres great magic in learning to forgive. So get with the program and learn to bless the friend who caused you to sob into your pillow all those years ago when you were robbed of your moment in the spotlight.

This is no easy tasknot if youre someone like me, who could have easily won Gold in the Olympics if hating had been an event. I had a great mentor in hate in the early days. Amanda taught me that If you wait long enough, you get your momentmeaning that the chance for revenge will come, and will be just as sweet, even if a couple of years have gone by.Patience is the key to karma, Amanda explained... and she was not advocating easing up on resentment while you put your life on hold. You werent supposed to stop longing for that golden opportunity to arrive, to balance the books, not for a moment.

So I moved it up a notch and on to a much more spiritual plane, and my mantra became: Get even, and then forgive. Now I was in the zone where its much easier to absolve a cheating boyfriend if I first sneaked into his apartment and cut the sleeves off his new Hugo Boss jacket: get busy with the scissors, then face the dreaded f-word.

My mantra became: Get even, and then forgive.

I've never told this to anyone, but there was a guy I dated for only a few months as eventually he began to appal me with the way he regarded women as little more than Barbies. When we broke up, I prayed his next girlfriend would dump him, as he had dumped me, and that this would be my satisfying retribution. When this did indeed happen, for a nanosecond I felt a warm glow from the news, then felt kind of empty. But as God is my witness, I never went as far as hiring a professional to break the kneecaps of any lover or boss who had wronged me, as is the way in Hollywood movies. A plan that could backfire spectacularly had no place in my schemes. I was more of a passive-aggressive payback princess.

Someone I went to school with told me once: Boys dont hold grudges like girls do. Its one of their great strengths. Her comment struck me right in the gut, because it allowed me to see for the first time that forgiving and moving on is what sets us free. Boys make up, forget the whole thing, and are soon back having fun together, while girls who fall out can be hell-bent on vengeance. So I wonder, who are the smart ones here?

Part One
DONT GET MAD
...GET EVEN

2
QUEEN OF MEAN

When I was working for a paper in London, I lived with a Fleet Street journalist. The relationship ran hot and cold on my side. I was the queen of mean, treating him badly on a regular basis, knowing all along that he loved me very much. I could have been kinder; I realise that now. I was then blown away with the classy way he farewelled me at the airport. As he hugged me for the last time, I admitted with regret that I had been a piece of work, often hurting him. He replied: But it was worth it. Id do it all again.

He truly wasnt angry with me, and he wasnt going to hold a grudge. I found his grace and generosity inspiring. I settled into my seat on a plane bound for New York, vowing to try to ditch the rage I carried for a stack of men and women in my past. And heres the weirdest part: as I looked out the window, watching London airport fade from view, I actually remembered several people Id been refusing to forgive for so long that I couldnt remember what theyd done to make me hate them so much. For all I knew, it had been a misunderstandingand yet I went on loathing them, using up all that energy for no good reason.

By the time the flight attendant handed me my second gin and tonic, I promised myself Id try and get smart. I was crazy! I suddenly had a vision of me as a shrivelled-up old prune by forty if I didnt develop the knack of bouncing back from disappointments and doublecrosses.

Interestingly, a test came my way the next weekend. I was staying with a couple in Connecticut. Another old friend had flown in from San Francisco, so the four of us were looking forward to a fun couple of days together and things got off to a great start, but fell part in the worst way.

It all began with a silly conversation. We were attempting to outdo each other with stories about rude shop assistants in high-end boutiques ( la Julia Robertss experience in PrettyWoman). Our hosts, Mike and Cindy, had hilarious anecdotes to share, then it was my turn: You all remember Dan who I used to go out with? Well he told me about going into the Gucci store on Rodeo Drive and having a snooty sales clerk look down her nose at him as he was checking out the leather belts, so he hit back with: Listen: dont dare treat me like that.