Eileen Borris-Dunchunstang - Finding Forgiveness

FINDING FORGIVENESS

A 7-Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness

Eileen R. Borris-Dunchunstang, Ed.D.

Copyright 2007 by McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

ISBN: 978-0-07-177356-0

MHID: 0-07-177356-8

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In loving memory of my parents, Sarah Mayrsohn and Henry Borris

by His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Why Should We Forgive?

1
How Do We Forgive?

2
Learning to Forgive

The Seven-Step Forgiveness Program

3
Beginning the Journey

The Struggle with Sweet Revenge

4
Developing Patience

Learning from the Dalai Lama

5
Poor Me

Larry Mathiss Story

6
Working with Anger

Kate Wilsons Story

7
Understanding the Impact of Guilt

8
Stop Running and Face Your Guilt!

Ed Minamis Story

9
Releasing Our Pain

Azim Khamisas Story

10
Listening Within

Irene Laures Story

11
Breaking Cycles of Violence

A New Beginning

12
The Power of Love

Yusuf Al-Azharis Story

13
A Justice That Heals

14
With Love We Can Heal the Future

John Plummers Story

15
What You Can Do for Yourself

IN THE COURSE of our lives we often make misguided decisions that harm ourselves or others. We do this out of ignorance. We think that a certain mode of behavior will bring us happiness when in fact it brings us suffering. Feelings of self-righteous anger and the urge for revenge may sometimes lead us to harm others in the mistaken conviction that it will benefit us and bring us some form of happiness. Actually, it creates suffering not only for the victims of our deeds but also for us. However justified we may feel, doing others harm, even in the name of revenge, severely disturbs our own peace of mind and creates conditions for our own suffering.

Human beings need to live together and are dependent on each other in many essential ways. In human society we, therefore, need moral codes of behavior in order to live in peace and harmony with one another. Although victims may have a psychological need to feel that justice is being done, the infliction of pain on someone else only serves to add to the suffering already done and does not increase the potential for happiness of anyone involved. Instead of revenge, it is the notion of forgiveness that should be encouraged and developed.

If we truly act out of concern for others well-being we will recognize the potential impact of our actions on others and order our conduct accordingly. When we become angry, we stop being compassionate, loving, generous, forgiving, tolerant, and patient altogether. We deprive ourselves of the very things that happiness consists of. And not only does anger immediately destroy our critical faculties, it tends toward rage, spite, hatred, and maliceeach of which is always negative because it is a direct cause of harm to others.

If, on the other hand, we can let go of anger and hatred, if we can apply reasoning to analyze the situation, adopt a wider perspective and look at other angles of the situation, the end resultthe product of patience and toleranceis forgiveness. When we are truly patient and tolerant, then forgiveness comes naturally.

Although we may have experienced deep hurt in the past, with the development of patience and tolerance it is possible to let go of our sense of anger and resentment. If we analyze the situation, it is possible to realize that the past is past, that continuing to feel anger and hatred serves no purpose. They do not change the situation, but just give rise to further disturbance within our minds and cause our continued unhappiness. Of course, we may still remember what happened, but forgetting and forgiving are two different things. Theres nothing wrong with simply remembering what happened, but with the development of forgiveness, its possible to let go of the negative feelings associated with what took place. This is why the author of this book, Eileen R. Borris-Dunchunstang, has referred to forgiveness as the ultimate freedom. Forgiveness is not about letting off the perpetrator of some wrong; it is about freeing the victim. If you can forgive, you no longer have to concern yourself with who did what to you and how you are going to make them pay for it. You will be free of that entire burden.