Bellinger - The frozen toe guide to real Alaskan livin: learn how to survive moose attacks, endless winters & life without indoor plumbing

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Table of Contents

Acknowledgments

This book is dedicated to _____________ (your name here), the fine consumer who got lucky and found this book in stock at _____________ (location), or was given this book as a gift, in which case Im _____________ (adjective) for you. This small act of kindness has helped me to put _____________ (object) on the table for my family, dogs, future chickens, and perhaps a reindeer or two. Thank you! I hope you find this to be a _____________ (adjective) guide that may inspire you to try _____________ (action) or _____________ (action). It may even cajole you into joining us up here in Alaska permanently or determine your _____________ (adjective) departure.

For now, _____________ (verb) up and yell _____________ (exclamation) because you have this book in your hands.

Thanks again. I mean it.

_________________________________________

(Forge authors name here for added resale value.)

Introduction

I figured most people would skip over the introductionI usually do. But here you are, so let me think of something quick: OK, what you have here in your hands is something pretty special. Its filled with all the wacky and wonderful realities that define Alaskan living. And this stuff is rawtheres no sugar coating here. There are no fluffy bears or listings for cheap tourist T-shirts. Here you will find outhouse races and giant vegetables, extreme racing athletes and moose attack survivors. Here is advice on how to endure Alaskas brutal winters without succumbing to constant inebriation, along with ideas for finding sleep under the midnight sun and how to develop a fashionable coffee addiction. You will also find uniquely Alaskan recipes, like homemade cinnamon rose hip tea or cranberry liqueur, and instructions for how to eat sea urchin roe on crackers. And, in case you were wondering, you will learn how to dress like an Alaskan. (This is not always pretty.) This book is really a smorgasbord of equal parts entertainment and information with just a bit of crap mixed in.

As you read along, you may notice that I mention the wearing of chicken suits quite often. These are just the unrealized dreams of this author coming true through the pages of this book and should not be seen as a reflection of Alaskans as a whole.

Since my name is listed as author, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for buying this book, and in the same breath, would now like to release myself from any liability that may arise from your actually heeding any advice herein. Just have a good time and be safe out there. (Always carry a gun.)

Dreaming of Alaska: Go Your Own Way

Every Alaskan has their own story about how they got here and how they survived their first few months. My story involves a bad haircut, a duct-taped tent, and an unfortunate moose encounter. Despite those set-backs, Im still here, and I have some advice for those thinking of joining all the other crazy people who have already made their journey north.

HELLO ALASKA, HOW DO YA LIKE MY HAIR?

It was inevitable that I would end up in Alaska someday. Growing up in Michigan, I had always been an outdoor girl. I liked to hang out in the woods, liked to climb trees and stalk deersometimes shoot them. In other words, I had a deep appreciation for the natural world. You could also say I wasnt very cool. I was a tomboy. Ill never forget a comment I got one day in high school gym class. This was the 80swhen big hair and feathered bangs were in. Now, imagine a short version of a bob, cut just above the ears, and thats what I had. This boy said to me, You look like a penis head. I have to admit, it wasnt the look I was going for.

Adversity can only make a person stronger. Even with my penis-head haircut, I managed to land a boyfriend. He lived on a farm and we made deer blinds, shot guns, trapped muskrats, and shoveled cow manure together. It was a glorious time. But good times cant last, and we broke up. In retaliation, I grew out my hair in a Farrah Fawcett hair-worship sort of way and made my way West, taking on various outdoor jobs. I yearned for Alaskaa place where all kinds of oddballs fit in. A place where hunters, greenies, hippies, and conservatives alike all lived for the same reasons: that spirited Alaskan independence, wide-open spaces, the oil check, and a plethora of espresso stands. So with $200 to spare, I grabbed my backpack and bought a ticket to the Last Frontier. I arrived in Anchorage after a long flight, slept in the airport till dawn (3:00 a.m.), and caught a shuttle to Homer. It was raining when I got there and almost dark. When I asked about camping, the shuttle driver mentioned something about a bed and breakfast that had a bunkroom, and for $15 I could sleep there for the nightbreakfast included. I had hit the cheap jackpot (never again to be experienced in Alaska).

SIX REASONS TO MOVE TO ALASKA

1. The oil check

2. Flannel shirts are cool

3. Bon Jovi doesnt tour here

4. No state taxes

5. The northern lights

6. You dont need an excuse to vacation in Hawaii

Within a week and a half I had two jobs and was collecting my first paycheck. I worked out a deal with the owner of the B&B: I would help out with the cooking and cleaning, and in exchange she would let me live on the property in my tent. I also got a job at a fishing/tackle shop selling all but rockets and mortars for killing fish.

Life was goodfishing, work, and socializing took most of my time. Once in a while Id lie on my back with my head sticking out of the tent door and just stare at the sky, thinking just how lucky I was. One night, as I drifted with my thoughts, the ground began to shake, and in a sudden rush of commotion a large moose ran by, missing my face by an inch. I sat up quickmy scalp burning. When I caught my breath, I looked around and found a huge wad of hair lying on the grass in front of my tent. The moose had stepped on my perfect feathered hair and pulled out several large chunks. Imagine a haircut David Letterman might give after three drinks, and theres your visual. I had no choice but to revert to short hair. But not to worrymen in Alaska arent that picky. All I had to say was, Do you know any good fishing spots? and I had myself a boyfriendand a man with a shotgun for future defense of life situations.

Besides the B&B guest that got drunk and sang John Denver tunes all night and the unfortunate moose event, my summer was absolutely perfect. You too can find this kind of satisfaction up here in Alaska. There are untold adventures waitingand well welcome you no matter what your haircut.

A Newcomers Guide to Alaska

The following glossary of terms used by Alaskans on a daily basis is offered as a service to newcomers confused by our regional colloquialisms, and is provided by David A. James, Regional Colloquialisms Specialist from Fairbanks.

Cheechako:

Derogatory term used to describe anyone who arrived in Alaska more than twenty seconds after the person using the term. A cheechako is an ignoramus who hasnt lived here long enough to clearly understand how things work. Those of you planning on moving to Alaska should, if coming by land, pass as many vehicles as possible on the Al-Can. If coming by air, claw your way to the front of the cabin upon landing in order to be the first to deplane. Anyone behind you upon arrival will, by definition, be your inferior.

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