Hill Dennis - Humor for the Holidays

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Dave Barry

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.

Karen Scalf Linamen

As we approach Thanksgiving, many of my friends are busy planning holiday dinners for their families. I tend to run behind on these things. Im not thinking about Thanksgiving yet. How can I? Im not done sewing the finishing touches on my five-year-olds Halloween costume.

The truth is, planning far enough in advance to defrost a pound of hamburger in time for dinner is a challenge for me. And when it comes to planning ahead for major holidayswell, I cant tell you how many turkeys Ive defrosted in less than two hours using a blow-dryer.

But its not like I NEVER plan ahead.

For example, there was the time I spent hours drawing up plans for a playhouse for our backyard. I used transparent overlays for various construction phases, colored pencils to indicate different building materials, and a black marker to pinpoint every nail. The good news is that my architectural masterpiece has been put to good use. In fact, this very moment its under my coffee cup, protecting the wood grain of my desk.

Then there was the time I planned to lose thirty pounds before summer. I lost five and discovered that you can really perk up the flavor of fat-free cookies with the simple addition of two scoops of Dreyers Rocky Road ice cream.

I have lots of really great plans. Sometimes I sit around and try to figure out what keeps me from turning a few more of them into reality.

Part of the problem is that I procrastinate.

For example, at this very moment, across from the desk where Im writing, there is an empty wooden frame hanging on the wall. I hung it there with every intention of putting a picture in it the next day. That was two years ago.

Ive heard there are support groups for this kind of thing.

I keep meaning to find one.

My other problem is that I get distracted a lot. Like just now. I was busy writing this chapter when I decided I wanted to include a quote by Albert Einstein, something about the power of the imagination. Realizing the book containing the quote was in my bedroom, I ran upstairs. While I was upstairs, my husband phoned to remind me of our lunch plans. Thinking of lunch, I decided to take a quick shower and change clothes. After I showered and dressed, I walked back into my office and sat at my computer and remembered the book. It was still in my bedroom.

Refusing to be undone, I headed back upstairs, thinking, When I come back down I should bring the vacuum since the dog has been shedding in the den. I went directly to the closet, grabbed the vacuum, wrestled it down the stairs, deposited it in the den, then returned to my desk. It wasnt until I sat down and faced my computer that I remembered the book. Still in my bedroom. Still upstairs.

Youll just have to take my word about that quote. It was a good one.

And when Im not forgetting to planor making a plan and then putting it offor making plans and then getting distracted, Im having my life planned out for me by my kids.

Which may not be such a bad thing.

One morning when Kacie was four, I was getting her dressed when she said, Mom, if you worked at a circus, could you take me to work with you?

Sure. Im sure I could arrange that.

Then stop writing. You need to work for a circus. Can you buy a job at a circus?

I laughed. Not exactly. But maybe we could find some reason for them to hire me. I know, I could feed the animals! Wanna help me feed the animals?

Okay. But not the lions. Only the nice animals. Like the goats.

Of course. After all, what circus would be complete without goats?

So Kacie has my career all planned out for me. And to tell the truth, its a nice feeling.

You know who else is in the process of making plans for me and for you as well? Ill give you a hint. Hes the author of these powerful words: For I know the plans I have for you, declares the L ORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future (Jer. 29:11).

Its so easy to rush about in a self-induced lather! Indeed, a hefty chunk of my life is spent making plans, breaking plans, and recovering from plans of mine that have gone awry. Perhaps Id do well to remember that, ultimately, my well-being rests not in the plans of my making, but in the hands of my Maker. Best yet, his plans for me are better than mine could ever be!

Of course, Im not saying you and I should NEVER make plans. After all, as I write this, Thanksgiving is merely days away and those turkeys dont exactly defrost themselves.

This year, I think Im going to change my ways. No more last-minute scrambling for me. Im actually going to plan ahead.

Ive already moved my blow-dryer into the kitchen.

Marti Attoun

That grandest meal on wheels, Thanksgiving, will park at my table this year.

In our family, everyone hauls in a dish. Crisscrossing the countryside on laps and floorboards, and in shallow boxes, Tupperware, and lidless bowls with dishtowels for covers, will be all our family favorites.

The dishes vary according to road and passenger conditions, but the menu always includes Overly Tossed Salad, Crammed Corn, Cranberry Slosh, Raked Beans, Footprint Pie, Defiled Eggs, and assorted Casserolings.

The Footprint Pie will be a berry, pumpkin, or pecan. They all look alike after a restless kid gets bored with balancing it on his knees and plops it on the floorboard.

Crammed Corn is another must-have. During the first jostle of its journey in a casserole dish on the back seat, wedged between the hot rolls and oyster dressing, the Crammed Corn starts to slip and slurp. By the time it arrives on the table, there are just a couple of clods left. But the hot rolls are super-moist.