2012 by Mike Bechtle
Published by Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.revellbooks.com
Ebook edition created 2012
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.
ISBN 978-1-4412-3962-4
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.
Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com
Scripture quotations labeled NASB are from the New American Standard Bible, copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. www.lockman.org
To protect the privacy of those who have shared their stories with the author, some details and names have been changed.
The internet addresses, email addresses, and phone numbers in this book are accurate at the time of publication. They are provided as a resource. Baker Publishing Group does not endorse them or vouch for their content or permanence.
Published in association with the literary agency of Alive Communications, Inc., 7680 Goddard Street, Suite 200, Colorado Springs, Colorado 80920.
Contents
Acknowledgments
Part 1 Stuck in a Crazy World
1. Im OK, Youre Crazy
2. The Problem with Believing Were Right
3. How Relationships Work
Part 2 Changing Someone Else
4. Stop Yelling at the Toaster Oven
5. The Impact of Influence
6. Can I Fire My Family?
Part 3 Changing Yourself
7. Why Cant Everyone Be Like Me?
8. The Energy of Emotions
9. Seven Keys to Unlocking Healthy Relationships
10. Key #1See Yourself Realistically
11. Key #2Take Yourself Lightly
12. Key #3Dont Sweat the Wrong Stuff
13. Key #4Dont Rush Growth
14. Key #5Live Through the Lens of Kindness
15. Key #6Base Your Choices on Integrity, Not Convenience
16. Key #7Go the Distance in Relationships
Part 4 Changing Your Environment
17. Prioritize Your Relationships
18. No Guarantees
19. When to Leave
Part 5 Putting It into Practice
20. Giving Up on Getting Straight As
21. You Cant Steer a Parked Car
22. Your Relationship Survival Kit
23. Its Worth the Effort
Notes
Acknowledgments
Someone said that if you took all the crazy people in your life and laid them end to end... it would be best to just leave them there. In a book about crazy people, the list of contributors could be longer than the book itself. Listing them by name would be impossible (and dangerous).
But I have to acknowledge them. Thanks to all the crazy people in my life. You know who you are. Well, actually, you probably dont. But without you, the book would have no reason to exist. Strange as it sounds, Im grateful.
At the other end of the continuum are those life-giving souls who keep me sane. Without them, this book wouldnt exist either. Theyre the ones who shape my life and give me hope in the midst of the craziness. The list would be much longer than the crazy people, and any expression of thanks seems inadequate.
Specifically, Im indebted to a choice few who have walked with me through this journey of a third book:
Dr. Kristine McCarty has been my writing buddy throughout the process. She worked on her doctoral dissertation while I worked on this book, and our weekly contact for encouragement and accountability have been priceless for staying on schedule. Without her eyes on my progress, I would have been scrambling to meet deadlines. Ive learned the privilege of teamwork and partnership. Thanks, friend.
They say lightning never strikes twice in the same place. For me, it struck three times. Working with Dr. Vicki Crumpton of Revell on all three of my books has been like winning the lottery repeatedly. It was my dream to work with her again, and Im grateful that my agent, Joel Kneedler of Alive Communications, made that happen. Both of them are masters at finding an authors voice and putting their own passion into a project. Im humbled to have both of you in my court.
Dr. Dennis Chernekoff graciously put his professional counseling expertise on the manuscript, making sure that no one would read my ideas and immediately jump off a tall building. Theres a lot of security in being reassured by an expert and a friend. Thanks for taking the time, Dr. C.
My family provided a constant reminder of what matters most and kept the whole project in perspective. Sara, Tim, and Brian just bring joy into my life by existing, and my grandkids remind me that crazy people arent the norm. What a gift you all are... !
In the end, Diane has been my biggest cheerleader, encourager, and friend. Because of her love and input, I didnt have to do this project alone. Were closer at the end of this book than we were at the beginning, and her partnership has been my most treasured part of this journey. You have my heart, which means its in the best possible hands. I love you.
Thanks, God, for walking with mealways.
3
How Relationships Work
Imagine what it would be like if everyone had a TV monitor attached to their head where we could see exactly what people were really thinking. Their words would say one thing, but the screen would reveal their true thoughts:
What they say: What a great color on you!
What they think: I remember when that color was in style.
What they say: Im glad we got to spend some time together.
What they think: Now I wont feel guilty until we have to do it again.
What they say: Your new baby is adorable.
What they think: Wowrough time in delivery, right?
It seems like it would be helpful if we knew exactly what other people were thinking. Instead of having to guess their responses, we would have an honest look at their true feelings. Knowing the truth would make communication a lot easier, right?
To some degree that would probably be true. We would love to read other peoples minds. But how would you feel about having a screen on your head, where you werent able to hide your real thoughts? Well, thats a different story.
If we have someone in our lives with whom we can be totally transparent, we realize what a gift that is. We care enough about them to tell the truth, but we do it in love. They care enough about us to do the same. Those relationships are priceless and rare.
Several years ago, my wife and I were considering moving to another city. It wouldnt have been a big move, since the city was about thirty miles away. We could still do our work from there and would still be close to our kids and their families, but we would live in an area we had always been drawn to. Housing prices were similar, so it would have been a move we could easily make.
But we decided to stay where we were, an area where weve lived for over twenty years. The new city was far enough away that we would have to start a whole new set of relationships. Wed done that before, but we realized the value of our current friendships. They arent casual friends; they are deep relationships that have been built by two decades of life experiences. Weve supported each other through raising our children, juggling job priorities, and facing personal challenges together.
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