Davis - Here we grow: mindfulness through cancer and beyond

HERE WE GROW

Copyright 2018 by Paige Davis

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, digital scanning, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, please address She Writes Press.

Published 2018
Printed in the United States of America

ISBN: 978-1-63152-381-6 paperback
ISBN: 978-1-63152-382-3 ebook

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017960220

For information, address:
She Writes Press
1563 Solano Ave #546
Berkeley, CA 94707

She Writes Press is a division of SparkPoint Studio, LLC.

All company and/or product names may be trade names, logos, trademarks, and/or registered trademarks and are the property of their respective owners.
Names and identifying characteristics have been changed to protect the privacy of certain individuals.

This book is a creative work based on my personal cancer journey, told the way I remember it. As Ive learned from so many others, there is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to facing cancer or any other adversity. This story is a compilation of approaches that made sense for me.

For Aunt Sandy and Aunt Tricia. Thank you for your early illumination of this unimaginable road traveled. I felt your presence throughout, and you are in my heart forever.
I miss you.

T. Flint Sparks,
PhD, former Clinical Psychologist and Zen Teacher

G OOD HEALTH IS NOT A THING you can have, like a new coat or even a friend, and illness is not the loss of good health that you must scramble to reclaim as if you have been tricked or robbed. Health and illness are one thing seen from different perspectives. They move together like waves on the ocean, surging and receding, informing and creating each other in every moment. They are two names for life, in human form.

What you are about to read is a personal account of one very special persons way of navigating the powerful currents of health and illness, and in particular, the tsunami called cancer that threatened to destroy her world. Like any life challenge, it is not just the details of what happened that tell Paiges true story, but how she responded to what happened, what she made of it all. How she was shaped and changed along the way, and, in return, how the world around her became shaped in response.

Life is always flowing fully, despite our opinions about it. Life was coursing not just through Paiges bodythe sick onebut also through all of the intricately and delicately connected human hearts and minds who knew and loved her. A tumor was discovered in her body. She was given a frightening diagnosis, not me or you or her family members or friends. We all know that cancer is not contagious, but what we forget is that the feelings and reactions to the diagnosis and treatment are highly contagious. Everyone in this story had cancer. Everyone was affected by the disease and its consequences, impacted by the primal shock of what it means to be alive, and was asked to either face or turn away from this basic reality that was being revealed.

By entering Paiges story you also risk infection. You risk being changed. This is actually her invitation, her gift to us in the form of a potent, challenging question: Are you waiting for a frightening diagnosis or other life circumstance to occur in order to live and love fully?

This book is her response to her own question: Dont wait.

I was fortunate enough to meet Paige at the outset of her journey as she began to navigate her health/illness pilgrimage of transformation. We were brought together by Providence at just the right time. Ive walked alongside thousands of people with cancer over the past forty years. Paiges clinical path from diagnosis through various treatment protocols was not uncommon. What was remarkable was her way of living through each challenge and triumph. She found a way to be alive in every moment without being trapped in the duality of health and illness. She was not defined by a cancer diagnosis and was not a success because she beat cancer. She was always herself, fully alive, finding her way with the help of everyone around her. I hope you will accept her invitation and follow her story of metamorphosis. In doing so, you have the opportunity to connect more completely with your own life force, and to wake up to the unstoppable and powerful vitality that runs through us all. This is the source of life. This is the source of real love.

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.

Maya Angelou

E ARLY ON A CRISP MORNING in February I arrived at our company headquarters, a cozy wood-frame house converted into office space, in Austin, Texas. The quaint vibe was idyllic for BlueAvocado, the start-up company I had co-founded with my sister and a good friend five years prior. Our company offers products like reusable shopping bags and storage solutions for people to live a greener, simpler life.

As I stepped onto the porch, I spied a beautiful yellow, blue, and red butterfly. It sat still on the railing, so peaceful. I craved that kind of ease in my busy, full life.

I watched the butterfly for a few moments. It was barely moving. This cant be good, I thought.

My co-worker Felix arrived. What are we looking at? he asked.

A butterfly, I told him. I think its dead.

Felix peered closer. Its not dead, Paige. It just emerged from the chrysalis. Its life is only beginning.

I once read that a butterfly pops its chrysalis by taking a deep breath. As I imagined the tiny creature before me breathing its way to life, I craved a deep breath of my ownin and out, followed by the wave of calm and peacefulness deep breathing brought.

Nine months earlier I had been on the verge of burnout, desperate for some peace. I manically googled retreats, spas, meditation, peace, burnout until I landed on a meditation retreat with Deepak Chopra, MD, at the Chopra Center in Southern California. Prior to attending the retreat, I was what would best be described as a crisis meditator, tapping into the practice in desperation when I felt stressed or overwhelmed. My decision to attend the retreat seemed poorly timed given all of my other commitments, but I felt guided there, like I simply had to go. It didnt make sense logically or financially, but Id never felt more at peace with a decision.

The first day of the retreat we were given a personalized mantra, a series of Sanskrit words, and told to meditate for twenty minutes by repeating the mantra. I needed more information. I needed to be guided. I needed someone to do it for me. But as I quickly learned, meditation and mindfulness isnt about creating moments of serenity, although that can happen. Its about meeting the moment at hand exactly as it is, with gentleness and non-judgment, despite how uncomfortable it feels.

That first twenty minutes, I must have peeked at the clock ten times to see how much time I had left. A million thoughts ran through my head: I wonder whats for dinner. Am I doing it right? I suck at this. I cant do anything right. Thats not a nice way to talk to myself.