Flacks - Bear with me: what they dont tell you about pregnancy and new motherhood

PLAYS BY DIANE FLACKS

Myth Me (1992)

By a Thread (1994)

Gravity Calling (1994)

Random Acts (1999)

SIBS (2001)
(With Richard Greenblatt)

Copyright 2005 by Mything Inc.

All rights reserved. The use of any part of this publication reproduced, transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, or stored in a retrieval system, without the prior written consent of the publisher or, in case of photocopying or other reprographic copying, a licence from the Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency is an infringement of the copyright law.

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Flacks, Diane
Bear with me : what they dont tell you about pregnancy and new motherhood / Diane Flacks.

eISBN: 978-1-55199-152-8

1. Flacks, Diane. 2. Pregnant women Biography.
3. Pregnancy Popular works. 4. Pregnancy Humor. I. Title.

RG 525. F 55 2005 618.20092 C 2004-906724-9

We acknowledge the financial support of the Government of Canada through the Book Publishing Industry Development Program and that of the Government of Ontario through the Ontario Media Development Corporations Ontario Book Initiative. We further acknowledge the support of the Canada Council for the Arts and the Ontario Arts Council for our publishing program.

McClelland & Stewart Ltd.
The Canadian Publishers
75 Sherbourne Street
Toronto, Ontario
M 5 A 2 P 9

www.mcclelland.com

v3.1

To Janis Purdy and Eli Purdy-Flacks

Some names have been changed in order to
protect privacy or because Ive forgotten them.

And the angel said to Abraham, I will surely return to you at this time next year, and behold Sarah your wife will have a son. Now Sarah and Abraham were old, well on in years; the manner of women had ceased to be with Sarah. And Sarah laughed. Then God said to Abraham, Why is it that Sarah laughed, saying Shall I in truth bear a child, though I have aged? Sarah denied it, saying, I did not laugh.. But God said, No, you laughed indeed.

Genesis 18:1015

Writing is often about finding the little gems that the universe drops in your path. And stealing them. Thanks to all the women who shared their stories, and the strangers whose stories I overheard. You are doing a service to other new parents, so please dont sue.

Huge gratitude to the team at McClelland & Stewart and especially to Elizabeth Kribs, my editor, for her graceful and insightful advice. Also for seeking me out, a brain-addled new mom, after reading a short article that I wrote about sex and pregnancy in NOW magazine. Thank you Alice Klein at NOW magazine for asking me to write the original article. Thank you Janis, for letting me tattle about our sex life. Special acknowledgement to Rita Silvan at ELLE magazine for allowing me to use excerpts from two articles written for the December 2001 and May 2002 editions of ELLE Canada.

Huge gratitude and admiration to my mother, Lily Flacks, and my father, Cyril Flacks, whose love, joy, wisdom, and sense of fun have made our lives so rich. Thanks for all the input from my honest, whipsmart sister, Laura Flacks-Narrol, mother of Jordan, and my big brother, Daniel Flacks.

Special thanks to my kind and generous mother-in-law, Doris Purdy.

Thanks to the core group of pals from whom I leeched information, and who encouraged me along the way: Netty Kruger, Ruth Marshall, Victoria Jakowenko. Also thanks to Sara Booth, llana Lewis, Ellie Harvie, Todd Narrol, Kelly Flacks, Waneta Storms, Dr. David Greenberg, Alisa Palmer, Ann-Marie MacDonald, Ian Purdy, Alan Purdy, Ann Purdy, Patricia Rozema, Leslie Barber, Cyd Israel, Shari Goldberg, Joyce Coombs, Zoe Neuman, Andrea Fogel, Wendel Meldrum, Odette McCarthy, Lisa Silverman, Lynne Harvey, Leslie Lester, Richard Greenblatt, Bruce McCulloch, Robin Severin, Sandra Ferguson, Fiona Highet, Sasha Padron and Kathryn Beet from the Yoga Space, Michelle Rival, Bev Cooper, Maria Del Mar, Sass Jordan, Rochelle Strauss, Naomi Moscoe, Leslie Schwartz, Chrisanthe Michaelides, Lori Smith, Kathryn Greenwood, Lara Ellis, Dr. Rochelle Schwartz, Jane Ford, Wendy Fraser, Michele Landsberg, Judy Rebick, Gail Singer. Also thanks to my writing agents at Great North Artist Management: Rena Zimmerman and Shain Jaffe.

My midwife moms-group pals: Nancy Paris, Aara Amey, Mary Young, Diana Dampier, and Dina Ladd and Mary Gellatly. My yoga moms-group chickies: Michelle Rothstein, Nancy Friedland, Hannah Fowley, Sarah MacKenzie, Lisa Lev, Rosie Little, Ilana Lewis. Prim Pembertons writing group, who saw a few chapters very early on and provided affirmation, experience, and concise advise: Kate Story, Phillipa Domville, Peter Sanders, Ilene Cummings, Rachel Giese, Annie Jacobson, and Guy Ratchford. Our uber-tenant and friend Dawn Whitwell for reading early chapters, laughing, crying, and helping to spice up some jokes.

Special kudos and thanks to David Gale, and to Ruthy Gale.

Mostly to Janis, my partner, whose candour, wit, bravery, and maternal innovation made this possible. All my heart.

Finally Eli, the sweetest, cutest angel in the world. Knein a hora.

Before I was pregnant, when I heard people say that having a child changes your life and becomes your focus, Id think, Wow, you must not have much of a career.

I was not only flippant, I was clueless. I would go to friends houses who had kids and lounge about while they made me tea. I did not bring a hot meal, or hold their baby while they bathed and had a nap. I didnt understand that you shouldnt call the parents of a newborn and say, We havent seen you guys in a while. Whats up? And invite them to go to a movie in an hour. In effect, torturing them with an offer of a social engagement they can only dream about.

Motherhood is one of the only things in life you simply cant describe to anyone who hasnt gone through it. Climbing Everest you can describe and people could get a feel for it. Until you empathetically connect with the parenting experience, it cannot be explained. You can only know by doing it. Rona, mother of one

Sure enough, as soon as I got pregnant, it was as if someone had placed mother-lenses on my eyes everything was now viewed through them, and refracted into beautiful, disorienting rainbows of new life. Now, I cant go back to seeing the world as I had before. I dont really miss it, though. I cant remember where I put my purse, much less what life used to be like P.B. (pre-baby).

I wrote this book for two reasons: 1) Because moms need to talk, and 2) because people want us to shut up.