Flaxington - Self-talk for a calmer you: learn how to use positive self-talk to control anxiety and live a happier, more relaxed life

BEVERLY D. FLAXINGTON

The Human Behavior Coach

Avon, Massachusetts

This book is dedicated to two men who showed me firsthand the power of positive self-talk: Henry Szafarz and Dr. Richard Harte. I will be forever grateful for their precious gift and for the knowledge of how to teach others.

Anxiety is a fact of life for too many people. Thats the bad news. The good news is its fixable.

Everything from getting stuck in traffic to burning the toast to dealing with disappointment in a relationship can fuel the fires of anxiety until our anxious mind cant seem to calm itself down.

This book will show you what anxiety is, how to define it and understand it, and what causes you to become anxious. You will have a chance to complete an assessment to uncover your triggers and causal events. This book is written for anyone who desires a higher quality of emotional life and who is tired of living his or her life in an anxious state.

As youll see in the following pages, you already have a valuable tool with which to address your anxiety: self-talk. At its most basic level, self-talk is the way you talk to yourself. Its a kind of running internal monologue, a stream of consciousness. As part of the reaction you have to life circumstances, it seems normal to have a conversation with yourself about everything you encounter, or might encounter. If you think about that process, you will find that you probably talk to yourself about most things in your life.

This book will show you how to turn that self-talk into an antidote to anxiety. Its a means for you to turn back the waves of panic that sometimes threaten to overwhelm you. How you respond to events in life is infinitely more important than what actually happens to you. You may have heard stories about people overcoming impossible odds to succeed, or about those who rise above their challenges. What they say to themselves, how they interpret the events, what they choose to use as their self-talk is often at the root of their ability to rise and succeed. What makes the difference between those people who seem to overcome the obstacles and make things happen, versus those that get stuck and cant seem to find the way out of their anxious thoughts and feelings? Often it is their self-talk. Its the things people say to themselves to get them through or give them new energy or help them problem solve.

Of course, theres good self-talk and not so good self-talk. In fact, your internal monologue can, sometimes, make things worse. In addition to the actual real-life eventsyou might, for example, be unable to pay your bills or experience a blow-up fight with your spouseyour anxiety becomes exacerbated by the way you talk to yourself about it: There is way too much week left over at the end of my money. My spouse is so rude to me! Im never going to get ahead. These statements and the stories you tell yourself can deepen your anxious responses.

What you should realize, though, is that this negative self-talk is actually within your control. What you will learn from this book is that there is a difference between negative self-talk, which defeats and steals energy, and positive self-talk, which allows you to get up again, shake off the setback, and find a new way.

Everyone knows that anxiety isnt good for your health. Research shows it can raise blood pressure, disrupt sleep, cause digestive problems, and cause an overall feeling of malaise. Some people become so used to living with anxiety that they believe it is the normal state of the mind. They develop a high tolerance for pain and choose to ignore the effects of the anxiety, rather than choosing to take charge of it and manage it differently.

The negative tapes that people play in their subconscious deplete their energy, defeat their best intentions, and leave them by the proverbial side of the road, out of the gas they need to keep going. Replacement scripts with positive self-talk give you a way to calm down. In fact, the scripts you play in your head can affect the outcome of your life circumstances. Knowing what to do and being able to call upon these ideas in any moment is ultimately what makes the difference between those who can manage their self-talk to their advantage and those who are done in by it.

Of course, learning about your self-talk doesnt automatically mean you will have a positive attitude toward everything no matter what happens. Anxiety will still visit you. It can sneak up when you least expect it. But the point is to be prepared for it. What you will learn through this book is how to recognize the visits it makes, what triggers your anxiety, and how to counter it through self-talk. By getting a handle on these things, you can change the game. You will learn how to differentiate between the self-talk that steals and the self-talk that heals. But, the first step to making a positive change is to recognize there is a problem with what you are doing now and to commit that you want this anxious mind to stop causing you pain. Instead you want peace and calm to deal with the challenges of life.

Lets get started on the path to positive, powerful self-talk.

Habitsboth good and badtake a while to develop. Unfortunately you may not have been conscious about which habits are the best ones for you, so some, such as your negative self-talk, may be self-defeating. It will take a concerted effort on your part to turn to positive self-talk on a regular basis to get to the calmer you.

To prepare for your journey, take the following steps:

1. Make a commitment to yourself. Repeat over and over that this matters to you and this is something you want to do. Its a gift you will give yourself, so be sure you are ready to receive it. Positive self-talk will work for you, and it will calm you but only if you are ready to embrace it. If you think it will help, write out your commitment and tape it to your refrigerator, your mirror, or somewhere youll see it every day to remind you of the journey on which youre embarking.
2. While reading this eBook, its important to keep track of your thoughts in a journal of some kind. Consider buying a notebook, purchasing an app for your smartphone to keep notes, or set up a Word or Excel document on your computer. You can also take notes using your e-reading device. Have something available to record observations, make notes of positive self-talk you want to use, and observe along the way. Dont use the notebook or spreadsheet for anything else. This is all about getting you on the road to positive self-talk.
3. Get a pack of 3" 5" cards. Youll often be asked to write things down, so keep the cards in a handy, visible place.
4. Find or create a safe and comfortable place you are able to go to do some of the exercises. This could be a space within a room in your house, or it could be somewhere else; it doesnt matter as long as you feel comfortable and relaxed there. It needs to be somewhere you wont be interrupted by phone calls, family, or any other distractions. It neednt be largejust a place to sit and focus.
5. Be sure to keep this book handy at all times. This journey will involve many aspects of your life, your work, your relationships, and your day-to-day activities. You want to have the information ready at your fingertips when you need it.