Ian Tuhovsky - The Science of Self Talk: How to Increase Your Emotional Intelligence and Stop Getting in Your Own Way (Master Your Self Discipline)

Lets start with a more precise definition. Self-talk, aka intra personal communication, is your internal use of speech and language. It appears in the form of thoughts that you can hear with the auditory part of your brain.

It can also include speaking to yourself out loud. Which is totally normal, I promise. Well, unless youre experiencing hallucinations and hearing voices, in which case it could be a serious problem requiring the attention of a mental health professional. But maybe you dont want to do it when others are around. Definitely avoid mumbling to yourself as you walk down the street or browse the aisles in the supermarket.

(See? Were only getting started and already you have actionable advice for how not to self-talk. Youre welcome.)

If you still dont get what Im talking about, notice what happens as youre reading these words. Read them silently, but pay attention to your thoughts. Do you hear the words in your head as you read them? Thats also self-talk. If youre like most people, you use the same inner voice to speak to yourself in a variety of situations virtually all the time.

Much of the time, we dont really notice our self-talk, so its this kind of half-conscious chatter going on at the edges of our awareness like smatterings of conversations in nearby cubicles at work. But we all listen in pretty regularly, as well. The conversation usually comments on ourselves, other people, and situations, which could be whatever is currently happening, or what did happen, or what we imagine is going to happen.

Its like turning on the directors commentary on a movie. Theres the actual movie, which is our experience, and then theres whatever the director is saying about whats on the screen, which is our self-talk. Or you can think of it like a sports announcer commenting on the game as its happening.

If you listen carefully, youll notice that this inner conversation reflects thoughts and emotions. Self-talk isnt random. It exhibits patterns that repeat themselves. And everyone has their own characteristic self-talk that is uniquely theirs.

Some peoples self-talk is mostly about the future, while others is an internal dialogue about the past. Some self-talk tends to be positive and upbeat, while other self-talk is harsh and critical. Or it can be defeatist, gloomy, and negative. Sometimes, self-talk is focused more on people; sometimes, it's fixated more on things. Sometimes, its mainly about others, and, sometimes, mainly about oneself.

One of the points well hammer home again and again is that its important to listen to your self-talk and identify the patterns. If you do that, youll learn a lot of useful things about yourself. And youll figure out areas where you have a certain style of self-talk thats having a negative impact on your life. Once you know that, you can do something about it by talking to yourself differently.

Thats important because negative self-talk is linked to negative emotional states such as anxiety, depression, insecurity, rumination, learned helplessness, and so on. In other words, a sense that life is too overwhelming, that you cant do much to improve your condition, and even if there were something you could do, youd probably fail. Obviously, thats not a good place to be.

Positive self-talk, on the other hand, is linked with less negative emotion and more happiness, confidence, optimism, success in life, and a sense of agency and authorship of your own existence.

Okay, but how does that work? Im going to argue that self-talk creates a feedback loop. What you put into it determines what comes out, and your reaction to that determines what you put into it the next time around. If you break a negative feedback loop by giving it a positive input instead, it will spin into a positive feedback loop. That creates a kind of snowball effect, which takes on a life of its own. Make a small, incremental change today, and it will gather momentum the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that until youre surprised at what youve accomplished.