Rick Johnson - How to Talk So Your Husband Will Listen: And Listen So Your Husband Will Talk

A Womans Whisper

A woman can so easily crush a mans spirit. With a look. With a word. With a shrug of indifference.... Her cynicism is utterly emasculating, and many times, incredibly subtle. Like a fine, thin blade it slices deep, penetrating to the very core of his masculine soul.

Stu Weber, Four Pillars of a Mans Heart

What is the difference between a traditional horse trainer and a horse whisperer? The difference is that a whisperer gets a PhD in the animal, studies the animal, and communicates in the animals language rather than trying to get the animal to become more like a person.

The trainer simply demands the horse comply and fit into his world. In essence the trainer creates an obedient, castrated, brow-beaten pet. Some men married a long while to ultra-controlling women can relate to these geldings. Stallions are often castrated to make them more gentle and compliant. But it takes away their fire and passion for life and leadership. Stallions, not geldings, lead herds. Just like men, not geldings, lead families. (I know, mares actually lead the herd, but Im taking liberty to make a point here.)

Some women have been forced to be leaders in their homes either through being a single mom or by living with a passive, apathetic man. But other women have wrested the mantle of leadership away from their men and clung to it tenaciously like a prized trophy. Either way it tends to castrate masculinity. And castrated masculinity is never healthy masculinity.

The horse whisperer, however, quietly observes and listens, and notes, and then gently enters the animals world to make contact that is full of trust, rather than fear. The horse whisperer is compassionate, wise, and tender, yet firm. The result? An animal who trusts the whisperer, because the whisperer respects the animal. They form a pleasant, mutually giving relationship, and the horse and rider are both better for it.

The old song Why Cant a Woman Be More Like a Man? from My Fair Lady can be turned around to say, Why Cant My Man Be More Like a Woman?which is subconsciously what many women are asking. It is the wrong question. The right question is, How can I get a PhD in my man, so that I know how to encourage him to be his personal best self?

Nearly every woman I talk to in connection with our Better Dads ministry eventually asks me some variation of the same question, How can I change my man? Generally its phrased something like, My husband is driving me crazy with [you fill in the blank]. How can I get him to stop? In fact, the most frequent complaint men have about women is that women are always trying to change them. (The most frequent complaint women have about men is that men dont listen.) Unfortunately, the real question isnt how can a woman change a man but can a woman change a man? The answer from every man I ask this question to is, in a word... no.

On the surface it might appear that a woman can change a man. My uncle was a man fraught with demons of drink and deed for much of his youth, spending a significant amount of his adult life in prison. Upon meeting his wife he turned his life around and lived the second half as a respectable and peaceful man. It appears that she changed him. But I suspect the reality is that she gave him a reason to change himself. Shes long since passed on now, but when I asked him about it, he said, It finally boiled down to having a greater reason to stay sober than to raise Cain. That woman was good for my soul.

I think what women really mean when they say they want to change men is that they genuinely want to know how they can positively influence their man to help him be the best man he can possibly be. Perhaps Im giving some women the benefit of the doubt, but lets proceed under the assumption that you have your husbands or boyfriends best interests at heart. After all, you chose him like he is... you couldnt have possibly made that big of a mistake, could you?

While you may not be able to change a man, you certainly have the God-given ability to influence and motivate your man in ways that border on the miraculous. In fact, your capacity to influence your man is one of the most potent forces on earth . But to be truly effective you must understand how and why your influence works.

A woman can be like a trainer or a whisperer with a man. She can either try to bend him and change him to her will, or she can use her talents and skills to learn about him and help influence him through trust and love to be all he was meant to be.

Gary, a listener to Dr. Laura Schlessingers program, made this comment: A husband is like a horse. At the end of the day he is usually rode hard and put away sweaty. If his master drives and beats him, hell go just so far before bucking and rebelling. [But] if you love him, if you coax him, hell drive himself till his heart explodes before he will let his master down. Hell give himself to death for the one he loves. Which way should a woman handle a man?

When a man loves a woman, he will do almost anything she asks. Men have climbed mountains, swum oceans, and conquered armies all for the love of a woman. Delilah caused the downfall of the strongest man on earth, and Helen of Troy with her face that launched a thousand ships was the center of a ten-year war between nations.