Murphy - The doomsday survival handbook: bucket lists for every conceivable apocalypse

Copyright 2012 by David P. Murphy
Cover and internal design 2012 by Sourcebooks, Inc.
Cover design by Katie Casper/Sourcebooks, Inc.
Grim Reapress images Cynthia Martin

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Murphy, David P.

The doomsday survivors handbook : bucket lists for every conceivable apocalypse / David P. Murphy.

p. cm.
(pbk. : alk. paper) 1. Survival--Humor. I. Title.
PN6231.S886M87 2012
818.602--dc23

2012022254

Printed and bound in the United States of America.
VP 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Contents

Acknowledgments

To my friends and family for your continued belief. And to the folks who read and enjoy these whatever-they-aresa sincere thank you. But you do concern me.

To those folks who helped me to see the absurd light: Woody Allen, the Marx Brothers, Mason Williams, Albert Brooks, Doug Kenney, P. J. ORourke, Joel Hodgson, George Carlin, and Bill Cosby.

To my pals Henry and Bob whove lived in interesting times and have braved them with remarkable grace.

A big thanks to David Keif for inspiration with the bass solo bit.

To Cynthia Martin for really delivering on the Reapress!

To Peter Lynchmuch gratitude.

And, of course, to Laurie Fox for her kindness, talent, and support. And to Gary and Linda at the Agency.

This book has been made possible by the incessant fear mongering of the modern media and that same special quality in our species. You GO, human race!

Introduction

The first question regarding lists like these is usually: Why? Thats reasonable enough.

Simply put, many of us believe were invincible and/or ageless, that were immune to lifes inevitable decline. Then, one day, something shifts and we find ourselves fawning over a handgun or paying closer attention to Rogaine ads. Thats when it sinks inwe experience our mortality for the first time.

Im here to tell you there will be an ending and most likely it wont come in a pleasant package. Unlike most people, I dont believe existence is going to vamp till cue. I know the end will arrive at my door at 2:00 a.m. like a needy relative looking to crash on my couch. One sparkling morning, the planet will awaken to horrific news. The multiple news reports will be dire and offer up a spectacle thats pure Independence Day, but with nowhere near its budget for proper effects. And sadly, without Vivica Fox.

It Was the Worst of Times and Then It Got Worserer.

You dont need me to tell you that we live in fearful times. Theres not a day goes by that Im not huddled in a corner of my basement for a short spell because of something I thought I heard on the news. Its more than this writer can take, and the crap, in fact, has been scared out of me. Between the giant asteroid, killer flu, chemtrails, and the upcoming robot invasion, the worlds taken a running jump onto the Slip-n-Slide of madness. As a result, the hammers comin down.

Looking Up the Futures Skirt.

When I do get freaked out, one of the ways I comfort myself is I attempt to see what tomorrow will bring and figure out how best to counteract or cope with such circumstances. No doubt this has to do with my continued fascination with my childhood hero, Nostradamus. Now there was a guy who set the bar for peeking into the future, even when his pre-teen skills were limited to accurately predicting what the school cafeteria was serving for lunch the next day. (Note: I possess a complete set of vintage Nostradamus trading cards in mint condition. Eat your hearts out, fanboys!)

When I was a young buck poring over Nostradamuss work, I remember thinking, What if we could take each potential apocalypse and provide suggestions to help the victims and/ or survivors? In certain cases, the ideas would be about how to best ride out the disaster and, in rare circumstances, how to go out in a blaze of glory. Im proud to say this is precisely what weve done with this book.

In case you hadnt noticed by now, the concept behind these lists differs dramatically from your standard bucket list fare. Here, youll see none of those humdrum climb Mount Everest or find a way to meet Nancy Grace sorts of goals. No, these are about ensuring your continued existence. Achieving your ambitions will never happen if youre dead. Right? First things first.

We believe these lists will help you maintain your focus during the unavoidable global chaos. With these at hand, youll find comfort and be able to keep your composure while others lose their shit.

Our? We? Have You Got a Tapeworm or What?

I say we because these lists are not mine alone. Im lucky to have staffers who assisted me in assembling The Lists. We spent valuable time on thiswhile waiting on hold to bitch at the cable company because that $3.59 credit still hasnt shown up on the latest statement or while XBox Live was off-line yet again.

We think weve covered most every probable day of reckoning. Weve even included a few of the lesser and/or more obscure Judgment Days, such as a lethal Hasselhoff jingle, the appearance of Galactus, and the dreaded man-eating ponies. No situation was spared, except The Situation, whos star is fading and did not make the cut.

I wish I would have had Lists such as these when I went through the Northridge Quake of 1994. Perhaps I wouldve been better able to endure the humiliation of my apartment building being red-tagged, leaving me incapable of facing my socialite friends for weeks. Instead, I spent the first few days hyperventilating under the futon with four cats, attempting to elude the imagined gangs of looters.

By the Way, Whats with the Format of These Lists? And Whos the Hot Skeleton Chick?

Please stop skipping around the book.

The Lists are broken up into five parts: The Sacred, The Cosmic, The Invasions, The Man-Made, and The Naturally Occurring. With each disaster, youll find a handy synopsis of how it will unfold, how long it will last, the percentage of the populace affected, and a List of suggestions instructing the reader how to deal with said disaster. (Lets face ittheres not much to be done in some of these caseshence, fewer nuggets of advice.)

Were also proud to introduce our spokesmodel for The Lists, The Grim Reapress. Thats correct, the Specter of Death gave itself a major makeover and is now sporting a steamy new look (and wardrobe) that better suits our current society. The Reapress will rate each doomsdayfrom zero to ten, ten being the best for her and the worst for usand offer up her unique perspective. Welcome aboard, G. R.!