Table of Contents
ACCLAIM FOR TODD WILBURS TOP SECRET RECIPES SERIES
"Theres something almost magically compelling about the idea of making such foods at home ... The allure is undeniable, and [the books are] stuffed with tidbits and lore youre unlikely to find anywhere else.
Boston Herald
The mission: Decode the secret recipes for Americas favorite junk foods. Equipment: Standard kitchen appliances. Goal: Leak the results to a ravenous public.
USA Today
This is the cookbook to satisfy all your cravings.
Juli Huss, author of The Faux Gourmet
TODD WILBUR is the author of Top Secret Recipes, More Top Secret Recipes, Top Secret Restaurant Recipes, and Top Secret Recipes Lite! (all available from Plume). When not taste-testing recipes on himself, his friends, or TV talk-show hosts, Todd lives in Las Vegas.
ALSO BY TODD VVILBUR
Top Secret Recipes
More Top Secret Recipes
Top Secret Restaurant Recipes
Top Secret Recipes Lite!
To radios Buzz Burbank And his colon.
THANK YOU ...
To everyone at Penguin / Putnam for all of your support through the years on each of the Top Secret Recipes books.
To Marilyn Hart and Kate Baltz for their incredible help and fresh ideas in the kitchen.
To my loving family and dear friends for all the kind words in times of need.
To Zebu, the Wonder Dog, for always being there. And rarely moving.
To the love of my life, Pamela. I couldnt have gotten through it without you. Every day with you is an adventure, every night is a dream come true.
GUEST INTRODUCTION
A Word From Fat Gram Freddy
To all you beautiful people, I extend a greasy hello, and my most heartfelt plea. My name is Fat Gram Freddy, and I am exactly one gram of pure, glistening fat. I slide onto these pages before you as the spokesfat for trillions and trillions of others just like me who can no longer congeal idly by as our kind succumb in great numbers to all the senseless digestion. For many years it appeared you were on the right track. But Im afraid that a recent about-face is returning us to the days when a fat grams existence is in a constant and tragic state of jeopardy.
Todd has been kind enough to allow me an open forum here in his new low-fat Top Secret Recipes cookbook to urge for a return to discretion in the consumption of my fatty brethren. He has allowed me to speak freely and has promised not to edit these thoughtsthe first recorded words ever to be penned by a modestly handsome gram of fatas long as I attempt to stay concise, reasonably polite, and off his new couch.
I assure you that Im literate. Im sincere. And, yes, I do wonders for fettucine alfredo and chicken wings. Im told I make a lot of sense when I focus, so please read carefully these words I write.
Look, I know you like me ... you really like me. None of us can deny that fact. But just because I feel so good slipping over your tongue and down into the dark depths of your throat doesnt mean that my friends and I should be ingested in such massive amounts with every single snack and meal. Why not have an apple the next time that acid-filled torture chamber you people call a stomach begins its terrifying growl? I hear that the broccoli and tomatoes are fantastic this year. Heck, weve always stayed away from those wonderful foods unless you invite us. Thats just how we are.
We fat grams have shared a lot of joy in the past decade as most of you worked hard to consume products created with little or none of us. We rejoiced in the early 90s as this trend encouraged manufacturers to go nuts creating entire product lines of scrumptious low-fat meals and fat-free snacks. It was beautiful! This helped many of us to survive, uneaten, for long periods of time.
But the dark clouds formed once again as the millennium came to a close. Toward the end of the 90s, low-fat food sales began to slump, and now my slippery amigos are once again disappearing at an alarming rate.
This tragic turn has left us all in a state of panic. Im afraid that one day, very soon now, itll be time for yours truly to take the one-way drive down Digestive Tract Highway. That is why I am now appealing to you for help ... by merely helping yourselves.
HOW IT ALL WENT DOWN
I remember like it was yesterday. Right after your second big war, I watched in terror as buddies of mine got slathered on toast, glopped over salads, smeared over pizza, and dolloped onto desserts in numbers that would make your fork spin.
Turns out you indulged in rich, creamy foods without any regard for content or consequence. Your average consumption of fat at this ghastly time reached 40 percent of calories. Thats one of the highest percentages in history. It looked like you folks were on some kind of wild, self-destructive tear
What you didnt realize was that all the fat grams you were sucking down couldnt just sit back and take the absorption without exacting a devious revenge with their dying breath. As you snarfed on my fellow fat boys, they went to work from the inside, raising your cholesterol, attacking your arteries, and making you all flabby and swollen. The deadly chain reaction that followed was devastating to your life support system. We were at war, and our troops were required to use cruel, desperate measures. With each choked artery and every seized heart we claimed another victory.
This battle raged on in your inner space for many years, until you were finally tipped off to our clandestine scheme.
In the 60s, the intelligence officers you call doctors detected our internal attack and sent out the alarm. You had no choice but to cut back on the massive consumption of my com padres by propagating a campaign to reduce the intake of fat in the American diet. Lower-fat dairy products were introduced and lean meat hit your grocery stores. For us, it was a glorious time; yet only a momentary victory.
Through the next several decades you worked hard to create edibles of all kinds, containing fewer of my kind. This trend escalated in the 90s as companies with names such as Nabisco, ConAgra, Quaker Oats, Keebler, Weight Watchers, Hostess, and Hershey had the heart to give you munchies that didnt rely on fat grams to appeal to that slimy, bud-covered muscle in your cavernous pie holes.
We thought that this change in your eating habits signaled the end of our fight for survival. What we failed to notice over the years, however, was the sedentary lifestyle you humans had been creating for yourselves. Homes were made to be more comfortable. Cars clogged up the roadways. Television, movies, and video games were developing into multibillion-dollar industries that requiredeven encouragedan increasing amount of inactivity. Fat or no fat, this was the recipe for your doom. Yet you were still placing the blame on us.
Recently I took it upon my oily self to do a little research, and I found that in 1986 the census bureau determined that 52 percent of Americans were fat. This bloated conditionwhich you curiously named after uswould continue to spread through the years, even though record numbers of low-fat and fat-free products had been distributed amongst you.