Stephen Colbert - I Am America (And So Can You!)

(AND SO CAN YOU!) Stephen Colbert Richard Dahm Paul Dinello Allison Silverman Michael Brumm, Eric Drydale, Rob Dubbin, Glenn Eichler, Peter Grosz, Peter Gwinn, Jay Katsir, Laura Krafft, Frank Lesser, Tom Purcell Meredith Bennett Doyle Partners Andro Buneta, Jake Chessum, Alex Cooley, Kris Long C opy r i g h t 2 0 0 7 by Spartina Productions, Inc. All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher. Grand Central Publishing Hachette Book Group USA 237 Park Avenue New York, NY 10017Visit our Web site at www.HachetteBookGroupUSA.com. Grand Central Publishing is a division of Hachette Book Group USA, Inc.

The Grand Central Publishing name and logo is a trademark of Hachette B o o k Group USA, Inc. I S B N : 9 7 8 - 0 - 4 4 6 - 4 0 7 7 9 - 3 L C C N : 2 0 0 7 9 3 1 3 2 1 To America

C O N T E N T S ix xii So Help Me God, I Will Turn This Book Around Right HereYour Glasses Are on Top of Your HeadMarking My TerritoryAccepting Jesus As My Personal EditorWhen Its Okay to Shower With Men1001 Abstinence PositionsDo Not Read By Glowstick LightSmarties PantsedLights! Camera! Treason!Stop the Presses! Forever!Let Them Buy Cake for a ChangeFact or Fiction?No Way, JoseThanks for the Nukes, Now Go AwayInstructions on How to Defrost My HeadThe White House Correspondents Dinnerfig 1.S T E P H E N C O L B E R TAM NO FAN OF BOOKS. AND CHANCES I ARE, IF YOURE READING THIS, YOUAND I SHARE A HEALTHY SKEPTICISMABOUT THE PRINTED WORD. WELL,I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS IS THE FIRST BOOKHow many AmericanFlags can you find inthis paragraph?IVE EVER WRITTEN, AND I HOPE ITS THE FIRST BOOKYOUVE EVER READ. DONT MAKE A HABIT OF IT. Now, you might ask yourself, if by yourself you mean me, Stephen, if you dont like books, why did you write one? You just asked yourself a trick question. I didnt write it.

I dictated it. I shouted it into a tape recorder over the Columbus Day weekend, then handed it to my agent and said, Sell this. Hes the one who turned it into a book. Its his funeral. But I get your drift. Mine. Mine.

And folks, I have a lot of opinions. Im like Lucy trying to keep up with the candy at the chocolate factory. I can barely put them in my mouth fast enough. In fact, I have so many opinions, I have overwhelmed my ability to document Sorry margin-huggers,but Ive got some myself. I thought my nightly broadcast, The Colbert Report (check your local opinions over here, too.Deal with it. 1 listings), would pick up some of the slack. But heres the dirty little secret.

When the cameras go off, Im still talking. And right now all that opinion is going to waste, like seed on barren ground. Well no more. Its time to impregnate this country with my mind. 1 Yep, down here too.ix I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! ) See, at one time America was pure. Men were men, women were women, You will need your confirma- and gays were confirmed bachelors.

But somewhere around the late 60s, it tion number to log in became groovy to let it all hang out while you kept on truckin stopping only to give a hoot. And today, Lady Liberty is under attack from the cable channels, the internet blogs, and the Hollywood celebritocracy, out there spewing facts like so many locusts descending on Americas crop of ripe, tender values. And as any farmer or biblical scholar will tell you, locusts are damn hard to get rid of.2 I said on the very first episode of The Colbert Report that, together, I was going to change the world, and Ive kept up my end of the bargain. But its not changing fast enough. Last time I checked my supermarket still sold yogurt. From France! See a pattern? Turns out, it takes more than thirty minutes a Half an hour not night to fix everything thats destroying America, and thats where this book enough comes in.

Its not just some collection of reasoned arguments supported by facts. Thats the cowards way out. This book is Truth. My Truth. I deliver my Truth hot and hard. Fast and Furious.

So either accept it without hesitation or get out of the way, because somebody might get hurt, and its not Its going to be you going to be me. Think you can handle it? Im scared of Koreans. Bam! Thats me off the cuff. Blunt and in your face. No editing. I think it. I say it.

You read it. Sometimes I dont even think it, I just say it. Baby carrots are trying to turn me gay. See? Im not pulling any punches. Im telling it like it is. Get used to it or put Dont put this book down this book down. Because this book is for Americas Heroes.

And who are the Heroes? The people who bought this book. That bears repeating. People who borrow this book are not Heroes. They are no better then welfare queens mooching off the system like card-carrying library card-carriers. For the Rides cost money record, were not offering this book to libraries. 2 xIm going to take a second here to praise the work of Monsanto. 2 x Im going to take a second here to praise the work of Monsanto.

Good people. Doing a fine jobprotecting our nations food supplies with their insect-resistant Frankenstein corn. They dont coddlepests and I respect that.

Okay, now its my turn to ask a question: What do I want from you? Good question. Thank you Just because I havent put a lot of thought into this book doesnt mean you shouldnt. I want you to read this book carefully. Savor my ideas.

Memorize pertinent passages. Eat with it, sleep with it, let nature take its course. Because what I have dictated is nothing less than a Constitution for the Colbert Nation. And, like our Founding Fathers, I hold my Truths to be self-evident, which is why I did absolutely no research. I didnt need to. The only research I needed was a long hard look in the mirror.

For this book is My Story and, as such, it is the American Story. Minus the Fruited Plains.(See Chapter 7-Homosexuals) I am reminded of the words of Walt Whitman, the nineteenth-century poet, naturalist, and all around mans man, who, through his epic lyricism, defined the character of this new nation. He said, I celebrate myself, and sing myself, And what I assume, you shall assume. That I he was talking about? Its me. Bottom line: Read this book. Be me.

I Am America (And So Can You!) by Stephen Colbertfig 2.A M E R I C Axi I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

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