Rosie Mercado - The Girl with the Self-Esteem Issues

TO MY EXTRAORDINARY PARENTS! HOW MANY WAYS CAN I thank you for loving me unconditionally? You personified integrity and consistently demonstrated the important values that I now live by. You have always been supportive of everything I do, and, yes, Im so sorry for all the headaches and worries I made you go through. Dad, you taught me the importance of persistence and proved to me on a daily basis that strong, loving, faithful men do exist. Mom, you always showed me and the world grace, love, kindness, and wisdom. Thank you for never abandoning me, even in my moments of genuine stupidity. My ongoing prayer to God is one of thanks for both of you and the love you have showed me throughout my life. May God always give you favor, grace, and a long, healthy life.

To my kidsBella, Valentino, and Alex: You reminded me not to give up and loved me even when I didnt love myself. Always remember how much I love you, although there were times I didnt show it in a way you could understand. Nothing really prepares you for how to be an excellent parent or provides a how-to manual on how to do everything right. I realize I made tons of mistakes, and Im sorry. I was a young, inexperienced parent. Throughout my pain and growth, I was learning how to love myself as well as learning how to show you how much I loved all of you. I pray God gives you wisdom and protection throughout your life and that your experiences take you to a place where you are able to serve others as a way of healing and sharing your love. I love you! I love you! I love you!

To Gilbert, my husband: You showed me that it is safe to love again. You loved me despite my emotional wounds and held my hand through my process of healing, always teaching that it is more than okay to be vulnerable, helping me gain the courage to love another human being, regardless of past experience. You helped me know that I am lovable! You are my answered prayer, and I am blessed that God sent you my way. And now a special and wonderful thank-you for sharing the gift of our new son, Emiliano.

To Alexandra Boos, my prayer partner, friend, and manager: Mama, you have been with me during my ups and downs since Day One, and you have kindly called me out on my sh*t when I needed it, but always from a place of love. We have celebrated, cried, and prayed our way through and now we manifest this after so many years! THANK YOU FOR WALKING THIS JOURNEY WITH ME UNCONDITIONALLY AND ALWAYS speaking LIFE over me when no one believed in me!

I also want to remember my precious nephew, Orlando, who died too young and always smiled no matter how deep his pain. I want to thank you, Lolo, for teaching me to be more compassionate and reminding me that our time on this earth is not eternal. Youre an angel who brought many lessons to my life. I get chills every time I am reminded of you! I think about you whenever I see a hummingbird in the garden and every time I see your little sisters eyes. I love you, Lolo. Que Dios te tenga en su Gloria!

And to the indelible memory of Carlos: You introduced me to my love of dance and taught me the importance of having a heart full of lovedespite peoples unkind words and actions! You showed me how to let go and dance, even when I cried. Carlos, you always taught me that my inner beauty was what counted the most while also helping me gain confidence in my own skin. You listened to me and always made me feel beautiful. You transformed my soul and my vision for what beauty truly means! I miss you so much!

HOLA, MAMACITA. I M SO GLAD YOU RE HERE.

I wrote this book youre holding in your hands right now, and Im so excited youre reading it. Theres been a lot going on around here (some of it exciting, some pretty crazy), and Ive lost count of the number of times Ive been told, You should write a book. For a while it wasnt something I even wanted to think about. I consider myself a positive person, but to be honest, I was on a pretty rocky roadgoing through a lot of sh*t, to put it plainly. My life has changed; I am a life coach now, and as I remember some of my experiences, my deepest desire is to be a support to others who are facing their own challenges. If telling my story can keep anyone from being as clueless as I was, or get others to start showing up for themselves, Im here for that.

So. Theres a lot to tell. There are my three kids. And my husbands. Well, ex-husbands. Theres my unlikely modeling career. My unexpected, amazing, true love story. That time I almost died. And... Wait...

Breathe, Rosie.

Okay. I think Im getting ahead of myself here. Where to begin my story?

I guess I should start the way I start most things... with a large cup of freshly brewed dark Mexican coffee.

No one makes better authentic Mexican coffee than my mom. When you wake up in my moms house, you are greeted by the smell of coffee and cinnamonone of my favorite smells ever. If I close my eyes for just a minute, I can conjure up the warmth of that aroma along with an image of my mom bustling about preparing coffee for my dad. Coffee wasnt just a breakfast drinkmy mom also always made it in the evening after dinner. While we kids did our homework, Mom and Dad would sit at the table in the kitchen, sip their coffee, and talkdiscussing their day, their concerns, and their joys. To me, this routine of theirs was emblematic of something I deeply craved: a mature love. They loved each other, they were fierce about their family, they communicated, they had shared goals and dreams, and they were working together to manifest them. Like all couples, they didnt always agree, but watching them, I could see how they handled their disagreements with a sense of respect and space. And they would always make up before they went to bed!

The truth is that my dad was something of a drill sergeant. He has a strong character. But hes a gentleman, he always makes time for my mom, and she softens his personality. One of my favorite memories of my parents is walking behind them and seeing my dad reach for my moms hand. Even as a little girl, I liked looking at them holding hands. My image of my dad has always been that of strength and protection. As long as my dad was there, I knew everything was all good. But there has never been any question about whether my parents, who are also business partners, are connected by something stronger than family, children, house, bills, and daily lifethey have always had love. I could see it. And thats what Ive always wanted for myself.

You might not realize it, but love is whats brought you and me together. Here. Underneath it all, its the real reason I wrote this book. Surprised? Yes, I know, the title is The Girl with the Self-Esteem Issues. And believe me, well get to those. But more than that, this is a book about love. Love was always my ultimate goal in lifesomething I always wanted to give as well as receive.

Turns out, love isnt always easy. And Im probably the last person anyone would expect to write a book that includes advice for anybody else, because I have had my share of ups and downs in that department (see the previous mention of my ex-husbands). Also, for most of my life, Ive been called names because of my weight. And I let it affect how I viewed myself. When I first became a plus-size model, I weighed over four hundred pounds. (Even after losing two hundred pounds, people still call me fat.) And Im Latina. Im a woman. There have been many times when Ive had little or no money in my bank account. Ive had to walk away from certain people. Ive had to run away from others. I know what it means to be in an abusive relationshipto be afraid of a man who is throwing things at me or putting his hands around my neck. Ive spent the majority of my life being the girl with the self-esteem issues. And yet, here I am.