Alexandra Elle - After the Rain

To everyone learning how to dance in the rain.
Your storms do not define you.
Trust your pilgrimage and uncover your joy.

You are worthy.

Copyright 2020 by Alexandra Elle.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available.

ISBN 978-1-7972-0010-1 (hc)
ISBN 978-1-7972-0220-4 (epub, mobi)

Design by Vanessa Dina.

Names printed with an asterisk have been changed.

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Finding peace in the storms that show up in my life is a lesson that I continue to work through on a daily basis. Its mucky, uncomfortable, and at times feels impossible to stand in. Even after all the years Ive been doing this work and all the progress Ive made to grasp and hold on to self-love, the roaring thunder of emotions can sometimes still have the power to drown out any ounce of clarity that could possibly make sense or make me feel at ease. When Im trekking through the middle of turbulence, it is difficult to envision the beauty, or blessings, after the storm.

The greatest lesson my healing and self-awareness have taught me is this: Despite all the work I have done to arrive in a place of joy and contentment, there is still so much more to be considered. There is still much more to be done. Unfolding never stops, no matter how successful we become, how full we feel, or how at ease we may believe ourselves to be. There is always a next step, another way, and more to absorb. Growing up, I thought my childhood would last forever, and then Id step into adulthood, knowing everything I know now with little to no experience, and thrive! That is not how life happened for me, or anyone else I know. I wish someone told my younger self that there is no end point or arrival date, ever. If I were speaking to thirteen-year-old me today, I would tell her that when we stop learning how to move through adversity, if we choose to sit in our enlightenment without exploring further evolution, we become stagnant and satisfied with stunted growth. The goal for me is to continue learning how to dance in the rain, even if its mixed with tears as I learn my way. All of lifes complexities are showing me that my intention should always be rooted in addressing the storms, instead of hiding from them. As I mature, shift, and take shape, I am finding new ways to navigate the valleys of suffering that are predestined to occur.

During my crusade through self-discovery, I am continuously reminded that I am a student, and I will always be one. That is the gift even when we feel uncertain or lost in our current season. In order to grow, we, like the transition of autumn and rebirth of spring, must also prepare to shed and begin again. In pursuance of blooming, there must be rain. As we wait for the downpour to cease and new light to emerge, patience is our best and dearest friend. The sun will be on the horizon again, eventually. I am learning on a daily basis how to lead and live a meaningful life. How to create space for my healing and grief to coexist, paint my own picture, tell my own story, and remove the shame that comes with emotional duality. Often, it isnt until we are flooded with gratitude from our vast and unique experiences, even the ones that hurt the most, that we are given the gift of glory.

This book is a collection of lessons, reminders, and meditations that have helped push me into a place of self-compassion and reflection. Through these lessons, I have discovered grace and awareness of possibility. My writing is birthed from a place of resilience, perseverance, and the discovery of self-advocacy. Its rooted in the soil of finding my footing, reveling in belonging, and owning my truth in a way that is honest and faithful to the girl I was and the woman I am today. After the rain, truth finds a way to shine through the clouds, reminding us all that we are deserving of healing. That were worthy of change. That we are built to expand and stretch into our best selves.

As you travel your own path, no matter the season or situation, I want this body of work to give you hope. Envelop yourself in these pages for comfort, belonging, and a sense of comradery. I hope these words settle into the soft part of your heart with this simple reminder: You are not alone. Heres to dancing in the rain, and believing that triumph is on the other side of trepidation.

Yours truly,
ALEX ELLE

I am my own.

I am enough.

I am rooted in love.

My life is abundant.

My heart is resilient.

My happiness is important.

Nothing has the power to break

or destroy me. I am

whole even through hurt.

When I think of change, I like to imagine the transitions between seasons. This helps me view change as a beautiful unfolding, rather than a terrifying process. Ive always been fascinated with autumn foliage; Im amazed by how the leaves wither and wilt before falling away. I often wonder what gave perennial plants and trees enough trust in their Creator to be born again come spring. I like to think their fiery golden hues represent the bravery it takes to shed what is no longer needed, without question or doubt.

Letting go has never been my strength. If I were a tree, Id be scared out of my mind that my leaves would never return. But in my ideal world, change wouldnt incite fear. Instead, it would encourage shedding as part of the natural process of becoming whole and lush.

The shifting Ive grown to know over the years isnt appealing, dreamy, or intrepidly anticipated. Instead, its unsettling, at times chaotic, and often terrifying. Learning how to lean into change and not run from it has been a pain in the ass on almost all occasions in my life. My relationship with necessary adjusting has been both tumultuous and invigorating. Through the inevitable discomfort of having to unlearn old bad habits, I had to take ownership of redefining my sense of self so that I could discover my purpose. And that meant embracing time alone, a season of complete solitude. Transforming on my own wasnt my first choice, but its grown to be my most treasured. Being alone showed me that I could shed, release, and outgrow anything, including my old ways and bad habits, that didnt serve me well. Change taught me the importance of self-autonomy, which I never quite believed I would come to know.

The notion that I had the power to outgrow who I was, and start a new relationship with who I wanted to be, became clear to me when I was about twenty-one. Even though it felt impossible, I wanted badly to reroute my life and find joy, but I didnt know where to start. Searching for and finding my how was the scariest thing Id done in my life. Changing meant I had to start with being honest about who I was and who I wanted to be. It meant learning the difference between being alone and being lonely. I had to get my stuff together. And in order to do that, I knew I needed to leave people behind who were distracting me from my growth. I had to start from scratch and acknowledge my roles in the cycles that I said I wanted to break. Committing to change meant challenges and trust, which stripped me of everything that I knew.