Elle Alexandra - Love in My Language

Why was my worth buried within another human being so deeply? If I knew then what I know now many things would be different. But on my journey to self realization and preservation, Ive learned this:

Know better. Do better. Love better.

No one, not a baby or a man, could give me the light of self worthiness. Overtime that lesson became loud and clear, and I will always keep that with me.

When I look back on things now it was clear that we were both so young and different spaces. I was stuck between wanting to stay and wanting to change. He was seemingly just stuck but other peoples battles are not ours to take on. We would force talks about marriage and love when both of us knew that was not what we truly desired. However the truth always comes to light with time.

I recall him saying that he would never marry me in this lifetime. We were so different and still are. Our views were not the same and we were in no way equally yoked. Day by day I realized that I was not only not good enough for him but also not for myself. I constantly felt inferior and ashamed for being who I was. Our differences were transparent in many ways but I intentionally avoided to see things for what they were.

He made it a point to stress he hoped that our baby had pretty hair while I was hoping that she had a good heart. We were opposites; oil and water in a way.

The relationship was so unhealthy, and looking back on it now, I can see things extremely clear. The hurtful and emotionally abusive moments are still so vivid. I hated him and he hated me. There was no love, not the real kind. At the time I wish we knew how to love in a way that didnt hurt. Through it all my daughter has been my lifes biggest blessing but under all of the beauty I now live in, I had a lot of healing to do.

I have been ripped open.

I know what its like to be unwanted.

I am familiar with the un-pretty feelings we are sometimes greeted with in the mirror.

I was seeking and longing for something nonexistent from someone I didnt really know. Being lost was an understatementI had literally died or so I thought. After my daughter was born life got dark for me. I spent days in my room with the windows blocked off. My depression had gotten a hold of me; I wasnt eating and my body showed the world that it was starving. I was cutting again while trying to produce enough breast milk to feed my baby. I was at a turning point and would soon be tested by God. Hed see me succeed even when I wanted to succumb to being broken. I remember sitting on my bed thinking of ways to hang myself from my door when my mom walked in with my baby. We sat and we cried. My momma told me that my storm was passing and to please hold on. I was so tired of being misguided by my insecurities.

Things got better but it took a long time and a lot of effort on my part. The biggest lesson I have learned in my life is that we are never alone in our struggle. The rain will stop and your rainbow will shine bright.

You will be victorious.

You are triumphant.

Find love in yourself.

Selfish

Sometimes I dont want to share.

Sometimes I just dont have the energy in me to give.

I want to be selfish and

wrap

up

in myself

with no explanation as to why.

Roots

I wont forget where I love from.

Rhythm

When you reach for me, reach with love. I vow to return your extension with open arms and a dancing heart.

Here

I never thought Id be one for long distance love. I tried it and failed at it before so I laid it to rest. My past interest wasnt here and when I say here I dont mean physically.

I dont want you if youre not present in my life; if youre not here with me I will ask you to leave. I stand tall today in love with a man that is three-thousand miles away. I can feel him here despite the distance. He is present and active in my life. He is a part of my everyday all the way from
across the country.

I believe in love because of people like him; people who are present, aware and interested in loving me how I love them. Its such a beautiful feeling. Its a real feeling that is unmatched. I met him at a good time, in a good place. We complement one another and even though hes not physically here, he is here and thats what most important.

Indian Giver

Is it selfish to ask for time back that

I was granted to build

such a beautiful memory?

Mindful

I think we all forget about ourselves at times.

I have to learn to remember me.

Native Tongue

Our language is special.

Every time we open our mouths love spills out in abundance.

Flexibility

We are all a work in progress. No one really knows everything that their friends and family have been through, gone through or are going through at this present moment. A lot of us have different defense mechanisms in attempts to protect our hearts and feelings. However, many times those defense moves can sabotage relationships. For me, I have trust issues that stem from a lot of different things.

My way of coping is to remove people from my space. I am protective of my sanity and feelings, but I also try to avoid conflict that can cause hatred and distaste. Taking a step back has kept me calm, cool and collected for the most part. Although shifting space is good for my sake, I rarely take into consideration how my abrupt distance could make someone else feel, despite the closeness of our relationship. Over the past few months I have been doing a lot of reflecting. I was told by a very close friend of mine that, You have to learn to be flexible or you will break. Its not all or nothing every single time. She was right.