Contents
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Introduction
I dont know how we got here. A friend says this to you on a phone call. You can hear it in her voice; shes on the brink of tears and can barely get her words out. You tell her to take a breath and do her best to calmly explain whats going on.
I have no income coming in from my business anymore. And Robert was laid off two weeks ago. We have maybe a months worth of emergency savings. I keep looking around my home, thinking about what I could sell to make ends meet. I dont see how we are going to keep our home. The kids have no idea, how can I begin to explain this to them? I cant believe this is happening.
Your friend confides that she and her spouse, Robert, have been living on the financial brink for a long time, even before Roberts layoff. They never thought about it much, because they always found a way to pay for things, even though there was never much in the bank. You had no idea. To you, they seemed wealthy. We need all the things we have; I dont know where or how Im supposed to cut expenses. The kids need things. I have obligations. This is horrible.
As your friend pours her heart out to you, you can feel her fear and sadness. How do you respond? What do you say to her? Do you listen? Are you empathetic? Do you tell her that everything is going to be all right?
Most of us would respond with empathy. We would comfort and assure. We might even offer to pitch in and help our friend. We would be quick to offer advice and ideas, even if they were unwanted.
Every one of us has a story through which money weaves. You picked up this personal finance book because you want to change your financial situation. Changing your wealth picture takes more than reading a few tips. Youll need to see your finances through a completely different lens, one where you bury your old convictions that do not serve you, prioritize what is truly important, and make all your decisions based on the results you want to achieve. I invite you to offer yourself the same level of empathy you would give to any loved one. As we proceed through these pages, notice when you beat yourself up or find it too difficult to continue reading. Give yourself the grace you need to accept your situation and move forward. This simple act of self-empathy is the foundation for financial success.
Your Most Fulfilled Life
Think back to when you learned how to drive. It was exciting to move the mirrors and change the seat position. You put the car in drive and felt it roll. You didnt know how to press on the gas pedal efficiently or break without stopping short. When you turned, it was an awkward inching of your hands around the wheel until you got the car to point in the right direction. Slowly and steadily, you began to drive. You paid close attention, checked your mirrors obsessively, and used caution with the pedals. You gained confidence and speed. You practiced on different terrains.
Fast-forward to today. You probably have no trouble driving while eating a Big Mac with one hand and holding a drink in your lap, with your kids in the back shrieking about their iPads. It took you fifteen years to achieve this level of driving excellence! Those fifteen years encompassed an enormous amount of change. You likely embraced this change, because it offered new privileges and freedoms. Furthermore, for most people, learning to drive is a practical necessity. True and lasting change does not happen overnight, nor does it progress in a straight line. We must change what we believe to improve our daily habits and get us closer to our most coveted outcomes.
I know something about change. Usually, when a person or family seeks my help with their financial lives, change is at the top of their minds. Take, for instance, a couple that needed help with a pressing financial problem; well call them Gary and Christina.
For almost two decades Gary worked as a C-level executive for a large corporation. He and Christina, his stay-at-home wife, had two adolescent kids when they signed on as my clients. Gary had created wealth for himselfplenty of itbut he was unhappy. You could say he was burned out, tired.
Gary also regretted that he never saw his family, for whom he did everything. He gave his wife every convenience to make her life easier: a dog walker, house cleaners, extra childcare, spending money to see friends. But he was never around. His absence wore on their relationship. When they sat in my office together, you could feel the tension. He wanted to provide for her, and she wanted more of his time. But he didnt have any more time to give.
I asked them each to answer one question: Imagine youre already living your most fulfilled life; what does it look like?
Gary (after pausing to think): In my most fulfilled life I work on something that gives my life meaning and purpose. I dont feel like an ant walking into a crowded elevator every day waiting to do my job. I get to see the daylight some afternoons because I can leave work early. I have more flexibility with my schedule. I can plan a vacation with my family, because I have more clarity about my long-term schedule.
Me: Anything else?
Gary : Id like more time with my family. It would be nice to come home and help Christina cook or play with the kids a couple of nights a week. Id love to help them with homework every now and then. I never get to do that. My kids are halfway to college now, and I dont spend much time with them at all. I want them to know me and I want to know them. I dont want them to look back and think that money was more important to me than they are. I work so that I can do things for them. But sometimes I wonder if they see that.
Me : Yes, I can see thats very important to you. Anything else?
Gary : Id like time to play the guitar. Its been so many years since Ive picked up my guitar and been able to play for more than ten minutes without interruption. Id love to be able to play my guitar for a couple of hours. But I cant, because I barely see my family now, so imagine me telling Christina that I cant see them because I want to play guitar for two hours undisturbed in the garage.
Me : Yes, you seem passionate about music. Anything else?
Gary : I would have date nights with Christina. Back when we dated, before we were married, I made the time. I was less busy then. Spending more time with Christina would be nice. I know she wants more from me and I do want to give that to her. I just dont know how.
We continued to talk, and then I switched to Christina and asked the same question: Imagine youre already living your most fulfilled life. What does it look like?
Christina : In my most fulfilled life Gary is home more. I dont feel like Im raising our family alone. With our current situation, I know I can pay for help whenever I need it. But sometimes I feel like a single mom. We never go anywhere as a family. I sometimes make up excuses as to why Gary isnt with us when I take the kids to a friends birthday party or to soccer events. I see other dads there and Im jealous.