Jennifer McCartney - The Joy of Being Online All the F*cking Time

the joy of being online
all the f*cking time

the art of losing your mind *

* literally

jennifer m c cartney

the countryman press
an imprint of w. w. norton & company
independent publishers since 1928

The internet, man, is a beautiful thing.

THE WEEKND

The internets completely over.

PRINCE

contents

I enjoy being active, but I look forward to the day when I can retire to the internet.

DANIEL KAHNEMAN

Youre online. All the fucking time. We all are.

And why not? Being online is wonderful and revolutionary and easy: your phone, your laptop, your desktop, your tablets, your e-readers and smartwatches, and loveable family robot servants are all plugged into the global interconnected network we know and love as the internet. This glorious place gives us access to essential information, enabling us to all be extremely smart. Who needs a PhD when the web allows us answers to things like When can we lick subway poles again? What is the outdoors? Who is Meghan Markle? (the most searched person after she and Harry got engaged, after which she subsequently moved to California in whats possibly the biggest fuck-you to the Royal Family since Royal Family fuckery began), or gives us info on Baby Yoda (the most searched baby of its year, followed by Baby Shark). If fashion is your thing, instructions on how to dress like an e-girl or e-boy are readily available (a top fashion search when everyone decided to dress like it was 1994 again.) Also a popular search: Will they know if Im not wearing pants to my video confrence?

Youd never know, would you? Without the internet you might not even wonder about these things. Not only are you learning, youre becoming more curious every time you tap out one of your questions. Its mind expanding.

The ability to be online is fucking insane. Its delightful. All of humanity and every single technological discovery and intelligent thought that came before us in history has led to this moment. Screensfirst on our desktops, then laptops, then phonesare a portal into infinity and immortality and knowledge and acceptance. Its space big enough for everyone, where you and your friends and the algorithms slowly learning everything about you can exist in peace and connectivity.

If youre reading this book, you probably already know that some folkshand-wringing, anti-fun, anti-technology crusaderssee the internet as an evil, humanity-sucking entity that is turning all of us into mindless, self-centered, immoral bullies who watch porn and cyberstalk our enemies. That shit does happen and it's bad. But the goodness outweighs the bad by a million tons of elephants. Thank you, pandemic. Screens have won. We've all had a crash course in digital maximalism now and there's no turning back. You know this. Yet sometimes we doubt ourselves. Thats where this book comes in: to save you from the bullshit digital detoxing crowd. To save you from their fucking tedious bullshit. To help you open up to the internet, and allow it to become one with your soul.

The bottom line is, the brain is wired to adapt.

STEVEN YANTIS, PROFESSOR OF PSYCHOLOGICAL AND BRAIN SCIENCES, JOHNS HOPKINS UNIVERSITY

Heres my take: No matter what fucking things we do to our brains, our brains figure it out. Thats why the dude you went to high school with whod wake and bake every morning and hotbox his car every lunch hour and go to raves on weekends is now a successful investment banker and owns a house and pool where he gets drunk on sunny weekends. His brain didnt let him down. And yours wont either. Probably. People who use the internet are more efficient at finding information, according to brain imaging scans. Some of us even have higher levels of brain activity than those who prefer to get their information from crystals or something. Were all geniuses.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH

..........................

Is the internet killing our brains? asks The Guardian. Is the internet bad for us? asks the BBC. Attached to technology and paying a price, warns the New York Times. Not to mention the articles and books with judgy titles like Put Down Your Fucking Phone, How to Digital Detox, Stop Scrolling, Start Living, and my favorite, Amazing Secrets of Digital Minimalism. Is digital maximalism the real reason that were all becoming unfeeling, distracted people unable to focus on one task or on our relationships? Is the internet killing our appetite for sex? For encouraging meaningless arguments with strangers?

The internet destroys our brains and also society, the argument goes. In fact, teen pregnancy rates are at their lowest levels since 1957 (the Pew Research Center suggests one reason is that teens are having less sex. The internet says youre welcome). Teen drug use of all kinds is also at its lowest level since 2004, according to the National Institute for Drug Abuse for Teens, while alcohol use is also way lower than its peak in the late 1990sright around the time many teens got a computer with dial-up internet. Coincidence? Of course not.

So come the fuck on. We have enough to worry aboutthe climate crisis, the rise of fascism, etc.without worrying about how often were online. Yet, apparently this is just one more thing we need to feel guilty about. One more thing for which we need to develop discipline. One more item to add to our self-restraint to-do list.

Despite the wonders of the internet, the pressure to get offline is so strong that one in four adults has reportedly tried a digital detox. Thats bullshit. Its not practical, its not realistic, and its setting us up to fail. If youve ever spotted a holier-than-thou quiz like this, youll know what I mean:

Do you check your phone before bed?

Do you check your phone when youre feeling bored?

Do you find yourself spending time online to avoid real-life interactions?

I mean, what the fuck. Yes.

The idea, however, is that answering yes to any of these questions means youve got an issue with your phone or internet use. That you could use a break. That its time to have a think about how often youre online. When, in fact, answering yes to these questions means youre an average human being whos alive today and existing in the world. And probably doing pretty well, seeing as how youre so well connected and informed. In fact, pat on the back to you, informed internet citizen.

Digital detoxing is for the rich. Who has the time or money to do a five-day, off-the-grid retreat in the Joshua Tree desert, learning to interpret the stars and sunning our vaginas while making hemp belts? I mean, I love doing that stuff, in theory. That sounds relaxing and probably our vaginas like a bit of sun once in awhile, who knows. But who has the luxury of ignoring their emails and texts and social media for hours or days on end? People who dont need to work and who have fantastic personal assistants, even though they dont have jobs and technically shouldnt need an assistant, thats who.