Steve Leder - The Beauty of What Remains: How Our Greatest Fear Becomes Our Greatest Gift
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The Beauty of What Remains
The wisdom Steve Leder shares in this moving book is an essential part of living a beautiful and meaningful life. Read it and feel inspired.
Maria Shriver
With The Beauty of What Remains, Rabbi Leder has given us a profoundly thoughtful book that captures the same wisdom and wit that his congregation has experienced from him for over three decades. Give this book to a friend.
Aaron Sorkin
Rabbi Leder has a way of making us all feel better, even when tackling the difficult subject of death. I was underlining and dog-earing from the start. Life lessons on each page.
Hoda Kotb
Rabbi Steve Leders wise and kind voice gently guides us through his life with his father as well as the lives of so many others he has helped. His personal history makes him and his work so accessible and satisfying. This warm and insightful book teaches us how to remember what really matters in loss and in life.
David Kessler, author of Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief
Rabbi Steve Leder writes about grief and pain in The Beauty of What Remainsbut also about the joy and love we can find in the most unexpected places. This gorgeous book will provide comfort to many.
Jenna Bush Hager
Ive changed my will because of this book. I dont necessarily mean the will with instructions for the disposition of my earthly possessions. I mean the will composed not by a lawyer but by my life, the legacy of the love, the values, the virtues that make life worth living. A life lived like that can create beauty even in the valley of the shadow of death. I cried, I laughed, and my heart sangnow, death, where is your sting? Thank you, Rabbi Leder, for sharing your will with us.
Bishop Michael Curry, author of Love Is the Way
Steve Leders words are a balm to the soul. The Beauty of What Remains encourages us to confront our feelings about death head-on, and reminds us not to fear the end of life on Earth, but to embrace what it can teach us while were here. Steves own stories and experiences are written in that exquisite way that makes it feel as if youre speaking to a good friend. This book is a must-read.
Mallika Chopra, author of Living with Intent: My Somewhat Messy Journey to Purpose, Peace, and Joy
Through numerous recollections of conversing with the dying, Rabbi Steve Leder takes the reader on a transformational journey providing insights and caring support in releasing all fear of death and really living a meaningful life. I highly recommend this book, particularly for those who are grieving the loss of a loved one.
Anita Moorjani, New York Timesbestselling author of Dying to Be Me and What If This Is Heaven?
An exquisite book on the deepest truth we will all face. I wholeheartedly recommend.
Roshi Joan Jiko Halifax, author of Being with Dying
An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC
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Copyright 2021 by Steve Leder
Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Leder, Steven Z., author.
Title: The beauty of what remains: how our greatest fear becomes our greatest gift / Steve Leder.
Description: New York: Avery, 2021.
Identifiers: LCCN 2020026855 (print) | LCCN 2020026856 (ebook) | ISBN 9780593187555 (hardcover) | ISBN 9780593187562 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Death. | Terminally ill. | Conduct of life.
Classification: LCC HQ1073.L437 2021 (print) | LCC HQ1073 (ebook) | DDC 306.9dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020026855
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020026856
pid_prh_5.6.1_c0_r0
To my parents, Leonard and Barbara Leder
My first funeral as a rabbi was for a twenty-five-year-old named Ricky who died of AIDS-related illness. I was twenty-seven, fresh out of the seminary, earnest, eager even, as I knocked on the door of the modest home of his parents, Joe and Irena, for what clergy call an intake meeting. Joe led me to the Formica kitchen table, where he and Irena sat beside two cups of cold black coffee and a dirty ashtray. Eyes swollen, tired and wary, they smoked in silence and sized me up. I offered some platitudes and the obligatory Im so sorry. Then I noticed the tattooed numbers on their left armsAuschwitz. They smoked and stared a little longer until I broke the silence to ask about Ricky. Irena answered each question with a few words, took a drag, and waited for the next. Joe said nothing. They were each suspended in some distant, surreal dimension of time. Broken long ago, they were broken again, their suffering commingled with ash. Such a young, inexperienced rabbi, only two years older than their dead son. I must have seemed yet another insult to their injury. They knew, and I knew, I had nothing to offer and nothing to say.
During my more than three decades tending to more than a thousand grieving families since that afternoon, I have learned a lot about death, which in turn has taught me a lot about life. Two years ago, I decided to share my insights about the ways death gives meaning to life with my congregation in a sermon delivered on the eve of Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish year. That sermon on death turned out to be the most popular sermon I have ever delivered from the pulpit.
I chose the theme of death and what it teaches us about life because in addition to being a day devoted to seeking forgiveness from those we have wronged, Yom Kippur has built into it several observances meant to mimic death. It is a day of fasting because the dead neither eat nor drink. We wear white as a reminder of the white linen burial shroud. The service begins with a lengthy prayer chanted three times in succession while facing three sacred scrolls, representing the three judges that legend has it each of us will face in the heavenly tribunal. Many of the prayers that day allude to death in one way or another. One of those prayers hauntingly asks, Who shall live and who shall die? The answer for each of us is I will. We end Yom Kippur afternoon with the very same words that Jewish tradition requires us to recite when a person dies. The idea behind these rituals and prayers is the hope that contemplating death will inspire us to change our lives.
The sermon was what preachers call a list sermon, in which I listed and then elaborated upon ten lessons I had learned about death as a result of seeing it up close for so many years. Requests for copies poured in from all over the world. Thats when I knew I would write this book. What I didnt know was that my father would be buried one year to the day after that sermon was delivered and that his death would force me to rethink both my sermon and this book. Yes, when I wrote the sermon, I definitely knew more than the day I knocked on Joe and Irenas door. But just when I thought I really knew something, my dad, much as he had done so many times before in his life, pushed me painfully further in death. Lenny Leder had incredible instincts born of his youth on the streets. My entire life I hated it when he would say, Steven, where you are, Ive been. You dont know shit. My fathers death forced me to realize that what I knew about death and how it informs life was the result of seeing other families loved ones dieother families grief, not mine. Sure, I had seen a lot of loss, but vicariously, one degree removed from the truth. I was an experienced rabbi well-schooled in the craft of death. But my dad was rightI was full of shit.
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