Joseph D. Stern - Grief Connects Us: A Neurogsurgeons Lessons on Love, Loss, and Compassion

A grieving brother, an expert neurosurgeon. As Jody lives through his sisters death, we see him grow into his human-ness. And as Dr. Stern examines his profession, he detects and prescribes compassion. This is a brave tale, and the teller is broken, open, yearning, and true.

MARGARET EDSON, author of Wit

Dr. Stern gives us the gift his sister and her family gave to him: insights into what it means to traverse illness and the quandaries of the healthcare system, to hold hope and despair in the same hand. And, importantly, he allows us into the quiet and under-appreciated zone of being a caregiver, a zone with its own forces and triumphs and miseries unlike any other. No matter how many patients we doctors see who are facing these issues, there is nothing in the health professions that prepares us for when its our loved ones who are staring down these barrels. That is, until books like this one, where Dr. Sterns education becomes our own, and just in time.

BJ MILLER, MD, hospice and palliative medicine physician and author of A Beginners Guide to the End: Practical Advice for Living Life and Facing Death

Grief Connects Us is the moving account of Dr. Sterns transformation from reserved neurosurgeon to the kind of compassionate physician we all hope for. His book is a heartbreaking yet inspiring call for a more courageous relationship between patients and doctors, one marked by openness, mutual respect, and the acknowledgment of our common humanity.

PAULINE CHEN, MD, physician and New York Times bestselling author of Final Exam: A Surgeons Reflections on Mortality

As I read Dr. Sterns book, Grief Connects Us, it again reminded me of the grief that I have faced both in my practice and personally. Many of us build walls that are impenetrable, but few of us are immune to the power of grief. It is when his sister is diagnosed with cancer and dies followed by the sudden and unexpected death of her husband leaving their teenage sons orphans that Dr. Stern must struggle with grief in the most personal way. By interweaving his own vulnerability and suffering with those of other patients and physicians, he makes us understand that only through empathy and compassion can we truly connect. Powerful, profound, and compelling.

JAMES R. DOTY, MD, Professor of Neurosurgery and founder of the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education, Stanford University School of Medicine New York Times bestselling author of Into the Magic Shop: A Neurosurgeons Quest to Discover the Secrets of the Brain and the Mysteries of the Heart

In Grief Connects Us, Stern dissects the heart-wrenching illnesses of people close to him, and in so doing dismantles the emotional armor those of us in medicine unwittingly don, to accompany his patients in their suffering and feel with them. A transformative read.

MIKKAEL A. SEKERES, MD, MS, author of When Blood Breaks Down: Life Lessons from Leukemia and essayist for the New York Times

Every patient and medical professional who meets the line that separates them will understand when it needs to be dissolved to open the gateway for empathy and compassion. Grief Connects Us is an essential guide and inspiration in these challenging times.

HELEN RIESS, MD, author of The Empathy Effect, Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School

Grief Connects Us is a beautiful book and an important one. The way Dr. Stern writes about illness, hospitals, diagnosesall the things clouding collective consciousnessfrom the dual perspective of expertise and lived experience is particularly timely and urgent.

CATHERINE MAYER, author of Good Grief and co-founder of the Womens Equality Party (UK)

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2021 by Joseph D. Stern.

All rights reserved. Published 2021. Printed in the United States of America.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

Publisher:Central Recovery Press

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Stern, Joseph D., author.

Title: Grief connects us : a neurosurgeons lessons in love, loss, and compassion / Joseph D. Stern ; foreword by Sanjay Gupta, MD.

Identifiers: LCCN 2020041348 (print) | LCCN 2020041349 (ebook) | ISBN 9781949481518 (jacketed hardcover) | ISBN 9781949481525 (ebook)

Subjects: LCSH: Stern, Joseph D.,--Health. | Neurosurgeons--Biography. | Brain--Surgery--Patients--Biography. | Physician and patient. | Patient satisfaction.

Classification: LCC RD592.8 .S74 2021 (print) | LCC RD592.8 (ebook) | DDC 617.4/8092 [B]--dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020041348

LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020041349

Photos are from the authors personal collection.

Photo of Joseph Stern by Aura Marzouk. Used with permission.

Jane Kenyon, Prognosis and excerpts from Chrysanthemums from Collected Poems. Copyright 2005 by The Estate of Jane Kenyon. Reprinted with the permission of The Permissions Company, LLC on behalf of Graywolf Press, Minneapolis, Minnesota, graywolfpress.org.

Every attempt has been made to contact copyright holders. If copyright holders have not been properly acknowledged please contact us. Central Recovery Press will be happy to rectify the omission in future printings of this book.

Publishers Note

This book contains general information about grief, illness and death, and compassion. It examines the impact of cancer and mortal illness on patients, their families, and the physicians who care for them. The information contained herein is not medical advice. This book is not an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or other professional healthcare provider.

Cover design and interior by Marisa Jackson.

FOR

the whelans

Victoria, Pat, Nick, Will

AND

the sterns

Kathryn, Ben, David, Abby

You have all taught me:

The power of love,

That gratitude brings grace,

To live and love large.

by Sanjay Gupta, MD

by Sanjay Gupta, MD

When Jody Stern first asked me to write the foreword to his book, I really couldnt say no. After all, Jody had been my chief resident when I was just starting my neurosurgical training and even twenty-five years later, I still felt the hierarchal force that compelled junior doctors to automatically follow orders from their seniors. Yes sir, I responded, secretly wondering where I would find the time. A few months later after the manuscript arrived in the mail, I sat outside one sunny weekend afternoon and read the entire book in a single sitting.

As day turned to dusk, a chill filled the air and the shadows grew long all around me; I was transported into the world of my colleague and friend in a way I had never before seen him. The writing had the familiar cadence and precision expected of a brain surgeon. Few wasted words, a rapid but not rushed pace, and a tidiness associated with the sterility of a well-run operating room. And yet there was something else as well. There was a rawness and a vulnerability not typically seen among our neurosurgical colleagues. There was a venting of compassion and an airing of grief.