Nigel Latta - The modern family survival guide

PEOPLE SOMETIMES ASK ME what the secret is to having a successful, happy family. A family where everyone gets on, where everyone is supportive, where theres no conflict or problems, where no one ever separates or gets a divorce, and no one ever has to decide who gets the kids for Christmas.

My answer is surprisingly simple: Get a cat.

And I guess Im as good a person to ask as any. Ive spent over 20 years working with families, all kinds of families from many different cultures and countries, with all kinds of problems and challenges. Ive seen the best, and the worst. Ive greatly enjoyed this work. Its been one of the great privileges of my life.

That said, Im also more a fan of honesty than diplomacy when it comes to parenting advice, which is why I always recommend cats.

Do cats help children? is the usual response.

No, I mean you should get a cat. Just a cat.

They usually look a little deflated at this point.

I am, however, deadly serious. Over the course of my life Ive raised two cats and two boys, and trust me: the cats have been far easier. Monty was our first cat. No problems there. Jerry is our current cat, and, aside from the fact hes slightly paranoid and thinks everyone is trying to kill him, and has a habit of catching lizards and releasing them in our house, hes fine. We feed him, he sleeps, disappears for hours, comes inside, licks his bottom, and then sleeps again. No problem there, either.

My boys, on the other hand, require quite a bit more time and effort. Theyre currently 10 and 13, so life is full. I love them more than anything, and they give my life shape, and purpose, and meaning but there are times, especially on the difficult days, when I think about how much easier life would have been if wed just stopped with the cat. Im always glad that we didnt, but it would be less than honest to say that I have not contemplated a cleaner, quieter, cat-based life.

Families are funny old things. They are the centre of our worlds whether we want them to be or not, and they consume us in so many ways. They are messy, and difficult, and fraught with more issues than you ever could have imagined when you were sitting with your cat on your lap trying to imagine what being a parent would be like.

All this is doubly true for the modern family.

Now, when Im talking about the modern family, Im talking about the many variations, shapes, types, and incarnations of the family in these busy, complicated, interesting times we all find ourselves living in. Whether you call them blended families, stepfamilies, reconstituted families or any other label that works for you, Im talking about all of those families.

Having said that, it might surprise you to learn that the modern family isnt actually all that modern at all. In fact, weve learned a lot from big teeth and monkey testicles which can tell us all kinds of things about human families that are not only really interesting but are also really useful to know.

Still, thats all in Chapter 1.

There are a few things I most want you to take away from this book: a little bit of peace and quiet, a few laughs, a deeper understanding of the modern family, some new tricks, and most of all more confidence that youre doing OK. This last one is a big deal, because we all want to know that were doing OK.

Over the time we spend together, I hope youll come to feel that this book is a little you-time, like a comfortable couch with a nice coffee and a soothing view. This should be a place you enjoy spending a little time in because no ones going to ask you to do anything. There will be no workbooks, or goals, or exercises, or tasks that youre going to have to go off and do. Life is a constant source of people wanting stuff from you, and hassling you, and getting on your case, and giving you endless jobs to do. There will be none of that here.

Instead, Im going to lay out a bunch of tasty, low-fat, low-carb and guilt-free knowledge treats for your mind to snack on at your leisure. Take a little, or take a lot its all over to you. There is no minimum effort required, and there will not be a test at the end. There will be lists, not so much jobs to do as things to think about. Lists are helpful ways of organising information, but none of my lists are compulsory. You dont have to do any of the things I suggest. If you do, though, I hope it makes things a little easier for both you and for the little people in your life.

This isnt an endurance march either. You should feel free to put the book down from time to time and have a snooze. In fact, Id highly recommend you do just that. You should never feel bad if in the course of reading this book you put it down, close your eyes, and float off for a while. Nap as much as you like.

There Do you see what I did for you just then? I put napping in the book as an actual suggestion. So now if you do have a wee snooze it means youre actively using a strategy from a parenting book. Youre consciously doing something suggested by a real, live clinical psychologist. If people ask if you ever made an effort to use any advice from a parenting book, then you can say with a completely clear conscience that you did.

You napped.

Nice one.

One of the things I want to say right at the very beginning is this: your family is not broken. Let me say that one more time, just so its really clear right at the start: your family is not broken.

We hear an awful lot in the media about family breakdown and the number of children growing up in broken homes. All of which is great for journalists looking for dramatic lines, and the various family values-type organisations who want to whip up emotion to further their own moral and/or political agenda, but where does that leave you if youre a parent or step-parent in a separated family?

Where it leaves you is mired in the somewhat depressing notion that your family is fundamentally flawed. That, just by its very nature, it is evidence of the fact that the children growing up in it are somehow damaged, or at the very least are starting from behind the mark.

The subtext of the broken homes metaphor is that single-parent or blended families are not as good as intact biological families, and that you must work very hard to repair all this damage and make the best of a bad situation. You have already failed, is what that metaphor implies, and all you can do is try to reduce the harm already inflicted on your children.