Saunders - Maybe Baby: Navigating the Emotional Journey Through Assisted Fertility

IN THE 1980s, my husband Alan and I decided we would like to have children. We recognised it could take a while but decided that if it happened quickly we would be able to cope. So we stopped contraception and we began hoping. We had friends who had been down the route of unsuccessfully trying to have a child and had witnessed their sadness and pain, and hoped this was not our lot also. After a year of trying we headed to the GP and had some initial tests, and all seemed to be okay until it was found that my fallopian tubes were blocked. With the problem identified we were referred to Auckland for microsurgery, which was the only option as in vitro fertilisation (IVF) was not readily available in New Zealand at the time. We hoped after the surgery all would be well, and indeed I seemed to conceive readily. But sadly I miscarried many pregnancies and Alan and I began to adjust to our lives without children. We were both moving forward in our careers and decided to focus on that for a while. I did some further counselling training and set up a private practice.

My sense of myself as a woman was challenged, and fortunately Alan was reassuring. Yet the shadow of my infertility and grief stayed with me and my envy of those parenting was always present. I was open with people about our infertility and talked with some groups about the grief of infertility and the strategies we were using to cope. Through one of these talks, we were offered a child to adopt, who became our elder daughter. Her birth mother, also a Sue, was 36 weeks pregnant. She gave us the greatest gift of becoming parents after six years of trying. We remain firmly connected with her, and our daughter has always known of Sues place in her and our lives.

A few months after we adopted we became pregnant and this time I held the pregnancy for 30 weeks. Our second daughter was born weighing under a kilogram and having to fight to stay alive. Our two daughters have been our joy since.

WHEN WE DISCOVERED I had fertility problems I sought information through reading. I learn, and am comforted, by reading and talking, as are many people. Those were the days before the internet, and I quickly discovered that there was almost nothing available. Finally I came across Barbara Eck Mennings 1977 book, which I had sent over from the USA. I carried this book with me to refer to it when I felt unsure, and it reassured me for the six years until we became parents.

My role as a counsellor, first in education and then in private practice, stood me in good stead and I seemed to attract clients with fertility issues. My own first book, Infertility: A Guide for New Zealanders, was written in the days when there was little available about infertility in New Zealand. Not long after publication a job became available in a leading fertility clinic in New Zealand and I applied. At this time I had been a counsellor for nearly two decades and had written in the fertility field. I accepted the role of fertility counsellor in early 2001. During my 20 years in the role, I was aware that less than a quarter of the clients who attended the clinic made use of the counselling service. One woman commented that she would rather read at home about how infertility would affect them. But there was not a lot written about the emotional impact and how to cope with infertility, so she came to counselling to find out if she was the only one with these feelings and how she could get through this experience and still function well within her life. At the end she said, Why dont you write this down for everyone? We all need the opportunity to access information in the way that suits us.