Holly Pennebaker - A Killer Appetite: Overcoming My Eating Disorder and the Thinking That Fed It

Jefferson, North Carolina

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGUING DATA ARE AVAILABLE

BRITISH LIBRARY CATALOGUING DATA ARE AVAILABLE

e-ISBN: 978-1-4766-3764-8

2019 Holly Pennebaker. All rights reserved

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Cover photographs by Paige Pederzani

Toplight is an imprint of McFarland & Company, Inc., Publishers

Box 611, Jefferson, North Carolina 28640
www.toplightbooks.com

Thank you, Gabby Bernstein, for showing me that F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real, and for showing me how to separate fact from fiction. Your work challenged my thinking and actions, which helped me to choose love over fear, to forgive others and myself, to find gratitude no matter what, and to never stop believing in miracles.

Thank you, Whitney Cummings, for being you and for sharing your authentic, talented self with others. Youve taught me to respect myself and honor my personality, to cherish humor, to fall in love with laughter and to be stronger than the challenges I face. From you, Ive learned that I CAN and WILL find happiness through humor, and its OK if some jokes fall flat. Ive used your TV shows, standup acts, and your book to accept and love my sarcastic sense of humor thats drier than the Sahara. Because of you, Im able to be more real with myself and more real with others, and Im also able to love myself and love others. And hey, Whitney, Im fine too.

Meeting Whitney Cummings (left) was on my bucket list. I checked it off after her show in Chicago on October 19, 2017.

Thank you, Fred DeVito, for always saying yes. From my friendship with you, Ive learned the importance of generosity, an open mind and kindness. You and Elisabeth provide a beautiful shining light to others, which because of your spirits and grace will never go dim. Your Core Fusion fitness and yoga classes may have changed my body, but most important, they changed my mindset. Your work has given me the gift of peace, and the will to get stronger.

Mama Keefe and little Holly at my middle school promotion ceremony in June 1996.

Thank you, Mrs. Anna Mama Keefe, for being the most memorable teacher I could ever ask for. Your tough, military-inspired teaching style for Lexington Traditional Magnet Schools 8th grade language arts class sparked my passion for words, writing, grammar, sentence structure, punctuation, and 87 pronouns each student had to memorize and recite out loud in class. Your class was hard, but it prepared students for the real world and empowered us to find confidence, build an unbreakable work ethic and aspire to make a difference. You believed in me, you pushed me to do my best and then some, and you helped me realize my potential. Your homework assignments commonly seemed unreasonably difficult, if not impossible, but they equipped me with the determination needed to succeed as a professional editor and, now, a published author.

SPECIAL THANK YOU TO THE EDITOR

The first time I met Mike Reilley was in 2010, just outside his office door at DePaul University. He shamelessly tossed his knowledge-filled head from left to right, over and over, signaling that what I knew about sports coverage wasnt anything like what Id learn in his journalism and sports reporting classes. No, sir.

Mike was intimidating. And he knew it! I realized within the first two seconds of meeting him, and witnessing the assertive, take-no-shit headshake, that Id NEVER want to be on the guys bad side. But sure enough, during my journalism program at DePaul, I found myself there. I cried when he yelled at me for being late to an open study hall (I didnt think the hours were a hard start and finish). He yelled at me when I told him Id correct 70 percent of the edits he made on one of my multimedia stories, and I cried again (note: ALWAYS correct 100 percent of your editors revisions).

He was tough, and on many days, Mike was one scary editor.

Dont ever turn in assignments past deadline. Dont ever interrupt Mike; save questions for when he finishes talking. Be highly vigilant of what you live tweet in class and what might not be appropriate. Dont ever liehell find out the truth.

Mike sent me to crime-ridden neighborhoods to tell stories that would help improve those communities. Hes the reason I found myself in Chicagos Dirksen Federal Building in 2011, breaking the news of the Rod Blagojevich sentencing, and then on a live segment with a Milwaukee radio station. Hes the reason I covered the unveiling of Chicagos Divvy Bike Share Program. He selected me to tell a heroic firefighters unforgettable story about racing to Ground Zero on September 11, 2001, to help in any way he was needed. And Mike is the MOST SIGNIFICANT person in my professional development.

Despite how strict, grueling and fearsome Mike was, I never once hesitated to share my raw, personal story with himfirst and second drafts, nonetheless. I showed him my vulnerability, my shame and my emotional wounds. I trusted Mikes nonjudgmental approach, unmistaken ability to leave no typo unturned, and the support he provided during my time in treatment and time spent finalizing each chapter.

Present day, we laugh and catch up over pizza or tacos, and the occasional beer if were in the same city. Mikes become one heck of a mentor and friend. Hes held my hand along the way and Ill be forever grateful that he has my back. This book would never have happened without Mikes support, and his ability to edit content like no one Ive ever known.

Mike is a Society of Professional Journalists/Google News Initiative digital tools trainer who has trained more than 4,500 journalists nationwide on how to build interactive stories. He teaches data and multimedia journalism at the University of IllinoisChicago. A former reporter at the Los Angeles Times and web editor at the Chicago Tribune, Mike served for 13 years as a faculty member at Northwestern University, Arizona State University and DePaul University, teaching digital journalism to hundreds of students and professional journalists. He holds journalism degrees from the University of NebraskaLincoln (undergrad) and Northwestern University (masters). Mike founded and updates the research site The Journalists Toolbox for SPJ (www.journaliststoolbox.org) and founded the digital training company Penny Press Digital, LLC.

Mike Reilley teaches writing and editing for digital platforms.