Kyler Shumway - The Friendship Formula: How to Say Goodbye to Loneliness and Discover Deeper Connection

Let me tell you a story.

When I took the stage at TEDxBend 2018, I wanted to share a simple message. I wanted people to know that no matter what, they deserved friendship, and that no matter what, they had the ability to change someone elses life through the decision to be a friend.

My message was simple, but the response was profound. The stories of friendship that I shared on stage moved the audience deeply, and a crowd of thousands jumped to their feet as I took my final bow.

But the greatest story of friendship that day was about to unfold offstage. As I emerged from the speakers area, I was engulfed in a hug by my best friend, who had driven hours to support me during my big day. He praised me on my speech, pride brimming in his eyes, and then surprised me with this gigantic bag of gifts of congrats.

In it, were all the little things that I loved. There was a gift card to my favorite restaurant, a bag of my favorite candy, a T-shirt with the perfect reference to an inside joke, and so much more. In choosing all these things that I loved, my best friend let me know that *I* was loved that he knew me deeply, and that my happiness was so important to him that he took the time to painstakingly create an incredible bag of delight just for me.

Let me tell you another story.

For most of my life, I was the scrawniest kid you would ever meet. In high school, a kid in my PE classes nicknamed me huesos (bones) because I was made of skin, bones, but no muscles. I couldnt even be angry it was an accurate nickname!

But that changed when I met my best friend. I noticed his frequent gym visits and asked him to rate his ability to teach me how to deadlift on a scale of 1-10. When he replied 11! I knew I had found my perfect workout partner.

Through his patient coaching, I started to be comfortable in the weight room. I added more and more weight, until one day I was ready to deadlift 300 pounds for the first time. We got someone to video tape it for future generations, and my friend cued up Eye of the Tiger as I bravely moved to kick the name huesos for good. I discovered that I possessed strength I never would have thought myself capable of.

It was undeniably one of the proudest moments of my life. But if you watch the video, youll notice something very odd. Its not the weird patterns of sweat drenching my shirt, or the awkward grimace my face made during my lift. In fact, it can be hard to miss if youre only focused on me.

However, if you look behind me, to where my best friend was standing as he spotted me, youd see it. When I lift the weight off the ground, his face lights up with absolute delight. And as I set the weight back down, he whoops and claps with joy. In fact, if you watch both us, its clear that he is far more excited about my success than I am.

Why is that? Why is someone who could easily deadlift twice my record utterly delighted by my achievement? Why is it that his joy in my success is greater than my own?

Theres only one explanation.

Its that my best friend loves me. Because the deepest core of friendship the thing that were all really searching for, if were honest - is love. We all want friendships where we can be fully ourselves, and be accepted anyway. We all want friendships where you that both of you will have each others back no matter what. We all want friendships that are built on a bedrock foundation of love. And Kyler has discovered the formula to build those friendships.

Thats right As youve probably guessed, my best friend is Kyler Shumway, the author of the book that you hold in your hands. Im so glad youre going to have the opportunity to learn from him.

Ive read dozens of books on social skills, relationships, and connection. Ive traveled to conferences around the country where amazing speakers discuss the best ways to form connections. And yet Ive never met someone with the same profound wisdom towards friendship as Kyler.

Kyler Shumway understands what it means to be a friend understands what it takes to build a friendship that satisfies you to the core and that is built to last a lifetime. The book that you hold in your hands will teach you to do the same. Bon voyage.

Daniel Wendler, M.A.
Author of ImproveYourSocialSkills.com
TEDxBend 2018 Speaker What Being Autistic Taught Me About Being Human

Contrary to popular opinion, friendship is not a noun.

Friendship is a verb, a process, an art.

Friendship is the jovial dance of belonging. It is the epic journey of finding the connection and love that comes with having friends. It is the joining together of cheese and jalapeno to add some zest to our brief mortal fiesta.

We are hardwired for relationship. We work and play better when we do it together. We crave spaces of belonging for our very survival.

Despite our interconnected nature, we face a loneliness epidemic.

A study from 2015 published in Perspectives on Psychological Science suggested that social disconnection may actually be killing us with an increased risk of death at 26% for reported loneliness and 29% for social isolation regardless of age, socioeconomic status, and current health issues.

No wonder so many of us find ourselves in a frantic search for connection.

The problem is, too many people try to learn how to make friends rather than learn how to be better at friendship. We invest so much time and energy trying to figure out how to get more fish, without really learning about how to be better fishermen. Friendship is not about catching the prize of connection, friendship is the means to finding it.

Folks, this is what my book is all about.

The year was 2018. The place, TEDx Bend Oregon. I had front row seats as my best friend in the whole wide world, Daniel Wendler, delivered his speech to thousands of eager listeners.

His stories of rejection, fear, and being invisible wrought images of intense pain and interpersonal suffering all too common in modern society myself included. After nearly a decade of working in hospitals, assisted-living facilities, and schools I have learned just what an epidemic loneliness has become. And yet, many of us who feel alone are not alone.

Dans solution to the suffering of loneliness was simple: be the friend.

Theres an old Jewish parable, called the parable of the long spoons. And it says that heaven and hell are the exact same place. Everyone is seated around a big table with a huge pot of delicious soup, and each person has a really long spoon. And in hell, everyone is starving because theres just no way to bring these long spoons to your mouth without spilling all of the soup. But in heaven, everyone is full and happy because they feed each other and are fed in return.

By being the friend for someone else, you can make the world a bit more like heaven. Overwhelmed with manly tears of intense joy, I whooped and joined the crowd in a standing ovation for this powerful message one that I now raise as a banner for my book. Dans talk was powerful for me, and not just because he is my best friend. His message of belonging by creating space for belonging spoke to something within me, something I believe all of us share.

As a therapist, I see people on their very worst days, wracked with thoughts of suicide, drunk with sorrow, lost in their pain. After you meet a few hundred of these tortured souls, you start to notice patterns. Loneliness reigned supreme as time after time I met with those without anyone to care for them.

Human connection is a fundamental need, and I want to help people find it. Each of us is worthy of belonging. Each of us deserves to feel loved. And, each of us can provide those things for someone else.