Christina Reese - Attachment: 60 Trauma-Informed Assessment and Treatment Interventions Across the Lifespan

Melissa walked into my office and said, Every relationship I have ends badly, and I dont know what to do. I want to feel close to someone. In asking about her history, I learned that she had several attachment traumas that were impacting her current ability to attach and connect with others. Melissas mother died when she was three years old, following a long battle with cancer. In this first attachment trauma, Melissa experienced a ruptured attachment with her mother, who was unable to care for and connect with her, due to illness, prior to her death. This attachment was then lost. Melissas father, who struggled with depression following his wifes death, was unable to connect with her and meet her emotional needs in a meaningful way. This second attachment trauma continued to impact her ability to feel close to adults and trust them to care for her. Melissas father remarried when she was 10, and her new stepmother was warm and caring, helping her to feel connected and cared for. When Melissas father and stepmother divorced 12 years later when the client was 22, she experienced her third attachment trauma as her stepmother moved halfway across the country and had substantially less contact with her. Melissa had lost the only person that she felt close to, and now seven years later, at the age of 29 she had been involved in several relationships that all ended when she put up walls around her heart to protect it from further pain. These attachment traumas interfered with her ability to find closeness with others or develop the connection required to maintain a healthy relationship.

As we began to explore how each of these traumas impacted Melissas view of relationships, she was able to see that she could make choices and changes to pursue healthy relationships. Once we defined what healthy relationships involved, Melissa began practicing those skills until she was able to establish a healthy relationship, build trust, develop a connection with that person, and improve her quality of life.

Attachment is missing in many homes and relationships. Our society has become so individualistic and independent that people feel alone to deal with challenges that they face, which can often make a hard situation seem overwhelming. In the 1930s, 40s, and 50s, our society was more community-focused, with neighbors sitting in their yards in the evenings talking, women getting together to have coffee in the afternoons and talking, men playing sports on the weekends and talking, and spouses taking walks in the evening and talking. We have moved away from our community base and into a more isolated space. We often dont know the names of our neighbors, we speak to our friends through text and phone, and we play video games with people halfway around the world whom we will never meet in person. Missing is the eye contact that is so important for connection. Missing is the ability to take someones hand or touch their shoulder as they share a vulnerability. We have lost the ability to connect with those around us.

It is no surprise that as our society has become more individualistic and isolated, the need for mental health services has skyrocketed. People now need professionals to help them problem-solve and understand relationships. The challenges that people face in trying to establish and maintain relationships are ones that are new to our technologically-advanced society. If everyone had a good friend, someone to connect with, who accepted them for who they are and helped them to problem-solve the challenges in their life, then there would be a lesser need for therapists. There would still be a need to assist those in crisis and who have chronic mental illness, but those who seek therapy for more solution-focused brief approaches to their relationship problems may be able to find support in the context of community relationships.

The need for connection is larger now than ever before, as a large portion of the population is struggling to connect with others in healthy, meaningful relationships. The divorce rate is a testament to broken attachments and our inability, as a society, to maintain connection, especially through hard times and challenges. Challenges can unite or divide a relationship, and the key to keeping the relationship united during these times is connection and the ability to problem-solve together through healthy communication.

The ability to parent effectively is also challenging to many families. Parenting must begin with connection, and if parents feel like they didnt have a healthy connection with their own parent, then they will have an even more difficult time creating a healthy connection with their own child. Without that connection, it is virtually impossible to parent effectively. For a child to listen to and respect his or her parents, trust must be present, and this trust comes from a connected relationship.