Kezia Endsley - Coming Out: Insights and Tips for Teenagers

Kezia Endsley is a writer and editor from Indianapolis, Indiana. In addition to editing technical publications and writing books for teens, she also enjoys running and participating in triathlons, traveling, reading, and spending time with her family and many pets. She has written more than fifteen books for the teen market, including many about finding your best career.

When all Americans are treated as equal, no matter

who they are or whom they love, we are all more free.

Barack Obama, forty-fourth president of the United States

Our culture seems to be slowly realizing that sexual preference is on a spectrum, rather than being a binary (yes or no) kind of characteristic. Teen boys find themselves wanting another man, and teen girls find themselves wanting another woman. Some teens find that they are equally attracted to men and women, or sometimes to men and other times to women. All of this is normal.

If youre wondering if youre queer, the good news is you dont have to know the answer right now. Some feelings get stronger throughout time, and some get weaker. Since no two people experience desire and love in the same way, you cant just open a textbook that will teach you exactly who you are and what to do. This chapter hopes to help you along the path of self-exploration.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GENDER IDENTITY AND SEXUAL ORIENTATION

Whereas sexual orientation is considered an inherent and (usually) enduring emotional, romantic, or sexual attraction to other people, gender identity is a persons internal concept of self as male, female, a blend of both, or neither. Its how individuals perceive themselves and what they call themselves. Your gender identity can be the same or different from your sex assigned at birth. Transgender people may be straight, lesbian, gay, or bisexual, just as cisgender people may be.

As a point of reference, the following tables (see , for example).

Table 1.1. Sexual Identities and Their Definitions

Sources: Human Rights Campaign, Glossary of Terms, last modified 2020, https://www.hrc.org/resources/glossary-of-terms; Michael Gold, The ABCs of L.G.B.T.Q.I.A.+, New York Times, last modified June 7, 2019, https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/21/style/lgbtq-gender-language.html.

Table 1.2. Gender Identities and Their Definitions

Sources: Human Rights Campaign, Glossary of Terms, last modified 2020, https://www.hrc.org/resources/glossary-of-terms; Michael Gold, The ABCs of L.G.B.T.Q.I.A.+, New York Times, last modified June 7, 2019, https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/21/style/lgbtq-gender-language.html.

You might decide that you dont exactly fit into any of these categories, and thats okay, too. The important thing right now is to relax and start telling yourself, Whatever the answer, its my business; its only part of who I am, and Im going to grow to embrace it and like it about myself.

You cant let other people determine who you are attracted toitll just add misery to your life that you dont need. Be intentional. Listen to your body, mind, and heart.

Lets start by laying to rest some common myths about sexual orientation. You may have heard others say these things, or perhaps youve thought them yourself. Its time to dash these misconceptions to the rocks.

A person is either straight or gay. When it comes to sexual orientation, many (most?) people are neither 100 percent straight nor 100 percent gay. Recent research indicates that, when given the option, many heterosexual people describe themselves as mostly straight rather than straight.

Everyone who claims to be bisexual is in denial about being gay. See the text box titled A Myth about Bisexuality in this chapter.

A bisexual person is always equally attracted to both men and women