Heather Grace Heath - Lovingly Abused: A true story of overcoming cults, gaslighting, and legal educational neglect

A true story of overcoming cults,
gaslighting, and legal educational neglect

Charleston, SC
www.PalmettoPublishing.com

Lovingly Abused: A true story of overcoming cults,
gaslighting, and legal educational neglect

Copyright 2021 by Heather Grace Heath

Cover Photo Credit to Megan Wooding

All rights reserved

No portion of this book may be reproduced,
stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form
by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording,
or otherexcept for brief quotations in printed reviews,
without prior permission of the author.

First Edition

Hardcover ISBN: 9781-73784300-9
Paperback ISBN: 9781-73784301-6
eBook ISBN: 978-1-7378430-2-3

To my sister,
who always asked me to make up just one more
Penelope Story before bed.

T his is the true story of my own experience in an exclusive fundamentalist homeschool group. Those of us who have walked away, the backslidden or Exers, as we call ourselves, each have our own unique version of this past life in a cult. I understand and acknowledge that although my story is traumatic, it comes from a place of privilege. My upbringing fueled the systemically oppressive behaviors for which I am guilty and will never be able to undo. My intention is never to invalidate the trauma of others nor direct attention away from those whose lives depend on our immediate action. In fact, stop reading and go do something that will make someone's life better and no one's life worse, then come back. Ill be here.

The abuse I experienced was mostly invisible to those right in front of me. It was invisible to my abusers. They thought they were doing what God wanted and, in doing so, became trapped themselves. My goal in writing this book is to open society's eyes to the hidden world of homeschoolers who are frequently dismissed as kind of weird but great at spelling bees. Ill show you how to recognize subtle warnings that a child needs a safe adult to intervene and how to help.

There are many points in this book readers may find triggering including, but not limited to:

Child abuse, sexual assault, pregnancy loss, suicide, divorce, racism, traumatic deaths, and Im sure more that are so deeply ingrained into my thinking that I have yet to recognize them as triggers. Please always practice self-care and boundaries.

A percentage of the profits from this book are being donated to non-profits that advocate for the rights of children around the world who are denied access to education, through either financial, logistical, or religious oppression. Thank you for being part of the solution. You can find a list and more information in chapter 13 and at HeatherGraceHeath.com

Some of the names used in this book have been changed; most have taken on the form of pseudonyms to reflect the way they are seen in my mind.

Whosoever toucheth the dead body of any man that is dead, and purifieth not himself, defileth the tabernacle of the Lord; and that soul shall be cut off from Israel: because the water of separation was not sprinkled upon him, he shall be unclean; his uncleanness is yet upon him.

Numbers 19:13

H ave you ever been so haunted by childhood indoctrination that you pulled off a man's arm?

I have.

Well, not his entire arm, but pulling off more than none is too much.

It's moments like thismy heavy boots slowly attaching to the hallway carpet, soaked with the velcro-like fluid that finally alerted the neighbors to call 911that make me feel like Im existing in multiple timelines. My body stays in the present but the rest of me, I call her my Self, travels back and forth. It's as if my 33 years are on a Rolodex in my brain that's spun until my Self finds the moment most likely responsible for the origin of my thinking errors and fears that led me to this point. In an instant, I can feel the jolting crack of a Bible on a pulpit, flashbacks of sermons encompassing me, as I try to fight them out of my view so I can focus on what to do with the silhouette of a long, regal glove made from the skin Im holding on the end of my EKG wire.

Figuring out how I got here is easy. Figuring out how to feel comfortable outside of a traumatic environment is the tricky part. Think about it: if youre brand new on the job and standing in a puddle of melting flesh as burly detectives yell at you for being in their way, your day probably isnt going to get worse. If there's anything that Christians love, it's having a terrible timeor, as they call it, walking through trials or carrying a heavy burden because it means that they are about to be blessed.

When everything seems to be perfectlike when I crawl into my daughter's bed to say goodnight but she wraps her snuggly-jams arms around my neck, getting her bracelets caught in my hair and, instead of wriggling free, I stay, terrified of this moment ever endingthat's when Im most on guard. The Garden of Eden was perfect, Sodom and Gomorrah seemed to be a pretty fun place, and Job had the family and life of his dreams; they were all taken away in seconds because Satan had to go and fuck things up for the Believers. It didnt matter what words spewed from the preacher's mouth; all I heard was that if I was ever happy, it meant I should brace for a Spiritual Jumanji. I figured I could avoid Biblical levels of my faith being tested by not letting myself bask in the nanoseconds of perfection in life. I could keep myself safe if I managed to stay in crisis mode as much as possible.

I think that's why so many of us stayed silent about our abuse. Humans, raised in cults or not, are all driven by the reward center in our brain. We believed that the more we endured, the bigger the blessing, or reward, would be. If Ive learned anything from 2020, it's that homeschooling on the other side now, as a working parent, is exhausting to endure. Accidental Homeschoolers of 2020, I applaud you. I was the heartbroken child kept from her friends and now Im the parent who soothes her heartbroken children, who are now fluent in Zoom etiquette. I can finally, though reluctantly, acknowledge my parents view that homeschooling was their Spiritual test. But there is a difference between avoiding a global pandemic and avoiding reality. That difference is where the abuse lies.

The most frightening thing about abuse in homeschooling households is that most of the parents have no idea what they are doing is abusive. A common thread Ive found among the parents of us Exers is that they were trying so hard to protect us from the trauma of their childhood, they didnt see that they were robbing us of ours.

Every single time I encounter a child, my radar goes on full alert for warning signs that they are being lovingly abused by parents who are just as trapped. The signs are subtle, but it's my goal to use my story to teach you what to look for. I wish someone would have picked up on the signs when I was right in front of them, silently screaming for help between the sound of my poignantly scripted answers about how I was perfectly content with my baggy homemade dresses that fell to my ankles and blessed with parents who wanted to protect me by being my only friends. Most of my Self believed there was validity in the reasons my parents instructed me to give when grocery cashiers would ask me What about socialization?; I was a child, and children instinctively trust their parents. My kids believe that commercials are like Facebook for TV: Yeah, the stuff exists, but it's not for you. Those people just want you to be happy for them. And if youre judging me for lying to my kids, let she who has never lied to a toddler cast the first stale car-floor chicken nugget.