Roz Weston - A Little Bit Broken : A Memoir

It never gets better, but it does get easier. Thats the first thing I say to anyone who asks me for advice when theyve lost someone. I say the same thing to anyone whos lost themselves. Anyone whos fighting like hell, or hanging on, or putting the pieces back together. It never gets better, but it does get easier. I should know.

Grief, self-doubt, crippling anxiety. Drowning the parts that hurt and burning the parts that dont. It gets easier. Managing shame, regret, and insecurity. It gets easier. All of it.

Broken and fixed arent words were supposed to use to describe people. When you deliberately stop counting time because you never want to know the exact day youve lived more life without someone than you did while they were alivethats what broken feels like. When doctors lie and tell you theres no chance you can become addicted, but you do. When youre molested in a closet when youre nine, or when you almost destroy yourself with diet pills because one person said something shitty about your body so you try to prove them wrong. When your hands hurt like hell, but you still manage to fight through another day. When normal seems unattainable. On all these days, broken is all you feel.

When your marriage fails, you lose your job, and your dad is dying in front of your eyes, but you pretend he isnt. When you cant stop wondering if you fathered a child while you were still a child yourself. When you fail at therapy, and when every step you take comes with a decision: move forward or step back to avoid another cloud? When youre broken, fixed becomes an obsession.

It never gets better, but it does get easier.

Anyone who knows me knows two things to be true. The first: Im pretty damn good at giving advice. The second: Im absolute shit at taking it. That said, I want to be straight up here: this is not a how-to manual. This isnt a book about self-improvement, reflection, or finding your light. This is for anyone who isnt ready to give up, who still has a lot of fight left in them: its about survival and overcoming bad choices.

Lets face it, the reason we make bad choices is because bad choices usually feel really good. And Ive made them all. But this isnt a meme or another inspiring Instagram post. This isnt about speaking your truth; its about facing the truth.

Every day, I stand on set of a TV show, as a face of one of the most recognizable brands in show business, while privately fighting and hiding Tourette syndrome, a disorder that causes involuntary tics all over my body. Thats been my life for almost twenty years on Entertainment Tonight Canada.

Tourettes isnt the clucking and shouting profanities at strangers that you may have seen on TV, or heard someone use as the punchline to a joke. Its often much more subtle. I grew out of my very mild vocal tics when I was still a kid. Id hum, or clear my throat or mimic sounds other people made around me. It was never a big deal or very noticeable. My tics have always been sudden, repetitive, and unwanted movements or flinches. Mostly in my face, my neck, and my eyes. Especially in my eyes.

Tics lead to everything from minor discomfort to debilitating pain. For most of my adult life Ive managed my tics publicly by masking them. I was a chain-smoker because taking a drag off a Marlboro Light 100 allowed me to contort my face in a social setting and release a tic while doing it. Sometimes I could get two or three out per haul. When I couldnt smoke, Id chew gum. Inside, Id wear sunglasses if I was having a particularly bad eye tic or eye roll.

Ive figured out ways to hide tics in every social situation. But Im on television. Most days I stand on set and Im in hell. Its a fight, an actual battle between my mind, my body, and the teleprompter. My brain says go left, even though I know right is the only direction that doesnt lead off a cliff. Thats what Tourette syndrome feels likea cartoon devil on my shoulder whispering Do it. Do it. Theres a red light on the camera, which in most cases means Im on. That red light is the dream for a performer. That red light means Im live, Im on TV, Im in your home, on your phone, and on your mind. But to me, that red light also means something else. Its danger. Thats when I have to hide whats really going on.

Covering up my tics on television is one thing, but not being honest about them while hosting one of the most popular radio shows in the country is another. In 2009, with no clue what I was doing, I found the perfect partner and built that show. From scratch. We started at zero, and now The Roz & Mocha Show is syndicated across the country with a million listeners and downloads every month. Its a success story. But how we judge success is subjective, its personal. In radio, when you do it right, fame isnt the goal. When youre truly successful and build an audience, you dont become famous. You become family.

Ive built my fan base by splitting myself open every morning and pouring out all the good parts. But like with most families, theres some shit we just dont talk about.