Marilyn Kentz - Not Your Mothers Midlife: A Ten-Step Guide to Fearless Aging

Not Your Mothers Midlife: A Ten-Step Guide to Fearless Aging copyright 2003 by Nancy Alspaugh and Marilyn Kentz. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.

Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC
an Andrews McMeel Universal company
1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106

www.andrewsmcmeel.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Alspaugh, Nancy.

Not your mothers midlife : a ten-step guide to fearless aging / Nancy Alspaugh and Marilyn Kentz.

p. cm.

Accompanied by a CD which provides the authors visualizations along with soothing music to help you achieve a relaxed stateIntrod.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 0-7407-3524-1

1. Middle aged womenUnited StatesPsychology. 2. AgingUnited StatesPsychological aspects. 3. Middle aged womenUnited StatesAttitudes. 4. Self-esteem in womenUnited States. 5. Self-actualization (Psychology) I. Title: Midlife : a ten-step guide to fearless aging. II. Kentz, Marilyn. III. Title.

646.7'0084'4dc21

2002045215

03 04 05 06 07 RDH 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

ATTENTION: SCHOOLS AND BUSINESSES

Andrews McMeel books are available at quantity discounts with bulk purchase for educational, business, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail the Andrews McMeel Publishing Special Sales Department:

Contents

Accept It

Take a Good Look at What to Expect

Let Go of Whats Not Working

Shore Up Spiritually

Get a New Perspective

Find a New Passion

Dont Just Vent... Reinvent

Make New Goals

Get a Coach

Awaken to the Muse

Introduction

Not Your Mothers Midlife is more that just a book, its a movement. It dares to challenge societys old, worn-out perception that women become less valuable as they age. If fact, it suggests that our mothers are the last generation to have to put up with that nonsense. Todays women can be more powerful, more capable, still desirable, and, most of all, happier as they age.

Four out of every ten American adults are baby boomers who have now become midlife bloomers. By sheer numbers weve got the edge, weve got the power, and weve got just enough therapy to kick this new attitude into gear! Aging is a hard pill for most women to swallow, but the two of us dont see it that way. Were proud of being middle-aged, and were happier than weve ever been. Three years ago, however, we were both smack-dab in the middle of a midlife crisis. Nancy recalls, My eight-year marriage was in shambles, I was struggling with infertility and remained childless, and I had reached a burnout point in my career in television with no idea of what I wanted to do next. I felt old, and though my friends couldnt understand why I wasnt appreciative enough of my youthful looks, I was a wreck on the inside, barely hanging on by a thread and my Paxil prescription.

Marilyns life wasnt any better. Three years ago my mom had suffered her first stroke, I had gained thirty unwanted pounds, my husband was an active alcoholic, and with three kids out the door and my baby daughter in high school, I was spiraling down into the empty-nest syndrome.

One night we found ourselves confiding in each other over a glass of wine. Marilyn: We talked about our options. Nancy could have had an affair. I could have gotten liposuction... and then had an affair. I guess divorce was another option. But somehow we knew that things like that would simply cover up what was really bothering us deep down inside. We knew we had to look for the real reasons we were going for the antidepressants. Over the years we had both experienced a good amount of therapy, and both of us had followed many spiritual teachings and had gathered some good old-fashioned common sense. So we figured we had enough tools to help each other work on the most important partthe insideand get out of this depression.

We decided to do something new: create our own turning point. Most of us think life hands us turning points. Think about the turning points that have affected you. How about when you met your first best friend? Got married? Had your first child? We have many turning points during our lifetimessome good, and some not so good, like getting rejected by your first love. Some turning points come up unexpectedlya car accident, for instanceand certainly September 11, 2001, was a huge turning point for our whole nation. What most of us dont understand is that we can create our own turning points. That night at dinner we made a conscious decision to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and help each other gain a more fulfilling life. We acknowledged that certain hardships automatically come with midlifelike aging parents, empty nests, and loose skinand that we had better get ourselves ready for them. And wed better find a way to change our perspectives.

Over the next two years we worked on projects and experimented to help us get in touch with what most women have to face once they turn forty. We were in new territory: awareness and decision making regarding getting old. We were grateful we had each other to conduct a reality check or two, and a hand to hold when it got hard. We discovered interesting ways to let go of what would inhibit a fulfilling second half of life and to focus on what would enhance it. Luckily for you, what took us three years to discover has now been condensed into a ten-week Fearless Aging plan.

Why title our book Not Your Mothers Midlife ? We have nothing against our beloved momsin fact, we dedicated this book to them. We are simply grateful that we are the lucky oneswere the first generation of women who dont have to endure the fear of aging quietly and alone. We dont have to suffer, we dont have to be ashamed, and we dont have to lie if we dont want to. For our dear mothers there were no guidelines for being happy, healthy, glorious women once they reached a certain age. Life for their generation was about being modest, frugal, and taken care ofsomething most of us know very little about. Our generation is made up of a variety of uninhibited women, from powerful executives to intelligent, creative stay-at-home moms, to those who tattoo their bums and believe a good credit card is the worlds best nonprescription mood enhancer, to those who support themselves, their kids, and a few of the neighbors without the help of anyone.

Mom wasnt expected to go to college. She was supposed to live in her parents home until she married, and to remain a virgin till her wedding night. Her virginity was almost guaranteed, because there was no Pill, and condoms were not sold in grocery stores or dispensed out of vending machines in bars. Those who did have a little fun often had to pay for it by marrying out of necessity instead of love, and most of those women stayed married because of the kids and the social pressure. Not our generation. We sent forth large groups of free-spirited women. A great number of us lived on our own right away, or communally, or with several different boyfriends, sequentially. And having babies was often put off in favor of a stimulating career, or by the confusion of having multiple sex partners.