May-May Meijer - Inner Voices: My Journey with Psychosis and Schizophrenia

Meijer eloquently shows how chaotically a psychotic brain works and how it can mislead. Impressive! - Ypsilon, Dutch Association for Family and Friends of People With a Psychotic Vulnerability

In Inner Voices the insidious progression from suspicion to complete psychosis becomes crystal clear. Meijer has succeeded, despite the limitations of her sensitivity and the side effects of medication, in giving a meaningful new interpretation of her life. - De Volkskrant

A book for all those who want to learn how psychosis can be a process of meaning and the way towards a meaningful life. -Jim van Os, Full Professor of Psychiatry and Head of Division for Neuroscience, University Medical Center Utrecht

Highly recommended! An inspiring book. - Anoiksis, The Dutch association for people with psychosis susceptibility

I see the sun rising behind the mountains

It lights up the whole kingdom with its bright light

Even the dark part is lit

Herds of animals gather around the lake to drink

Peace seems to spring from here, peace on earth

Gods Kingdom is lit up with your love

Humanity becomes one with nature

Gods will becomes truth

Peace on Earth

Hallelujah!

Poem by Valerie (2009), fellow patient in the Rembrandthof

For many years, good afternoon was the first thing I heard at the start of my day. This was due to the side effects of my medication and because I couldnt face what the day might bring. I felt so terrible and lonely that as soon as I was out of bed, I threw up. The words schizophrenia, divorced and unemployed echoed in my head. I missed an empowering perspective. I got support from my lovely family and from books. To illustrate what a person suffers when experiencing psychosis, and what its like to be in compulsory hospital admission, I wrote the book An Accident in My Head, directly after my first period of compulsory admission, under the pseudonym Yasmin Vermeer.

Now, eight years later, I see everything from a different perspective. Im much better now, although I sometimes still get out of bed late, and I have gained more insight into how my illness started and the reactions of shocked family members. I also see that my psychotic episodes were not only accidents in my head, but that they gave me new insights as well. My heart guides me now. My psychotic episodes were the foundations for my dream of world peace, therefore I founded the peace organization Peace SOS. I am open about my love for Christ and my mental vulnerability. Thats why Im now telling my story in English, too.

With Inner Voices I want to contribute to a better understanding of people with a mental vulnerability and their family members. Additionally, I hope the book will reassure people who are vulnerable to psychosis, depression and mania, and will help their family members, their loved ones and caregivers working in mental hospitals.

I have tried to write things down as close to the truth as possible, in order to give readers a real insight into the mind of someone who is severely psychotic. In addition, I have done my best to make the story easy to read. Thats why I sometimes combined the nurses, psychiatrists and fellow patients into a few characters. Social-psychiatric nurses work in several shifts. There is a morning, afternoon, evening and night shift. I also met several psychiatrists: a psychiatrist at the outpatients clinic, several psychiatrists in the closed wards, other psychiatrists in the open wards, and independent psychiatrists. I have also tried to make allowances for vulnerable people in this book and for sensitive issues.

The original title of this book in Dutch was Mission World Peace, since that was my mission during my psychosis, and one which I still pursue with others to this day. Remarkably, the day that that title popped into my mind, the sun turned red. However, the title Mission World Peace also led to confusion amongst some of the readers, who didnt expect a book about psychiatry. Therefore, Liesbeth Heenk, my publisher, proposed its current title Inner Voices. My journey with psychosis and schizophrenia. About the title Inner Voices: when I was in the deepest part of my psychosis, it seemed as if I was talking to others via telepathy. As if I was exchanging thoughts with other people. This is how I still talk to Christ, God, sometimes. Christ is within me.

For my recovery, I owe many thanks to my son, my sister, my parents and the partners of my parents, the psychiatrists, the social-psychiatric nurses, the therapists and all the other staff at the mental health hospitals of the Rembrandthof and GGZ Delfland, the father of my son and his partner, my other family members, friends and fellow patients, among whom Niels, and all the other people appearing in this book and who helped me through my difficult years. For the realization of this book, I would like to thank my publisher Liesbeth Heenk of Amsterdam Publishers, Karen Loughrey and Kumar Jamdagni who are the English editors, Jet Hoogerwaard, the editor of the Dutch version of my manuscript, Kimm and Kim who were willing to read the original version of my manuscript and Brenda van Leeuwen who made the cover photo. In addition, I would like to thank the psychiatrists Jim van Os and Ren Keet, Father Dresm and all the people of St. Vitus Church. A special thanks to the people who are mentioned at the end of this book such as Pearl, my former colleagues and my partisans of the Dutch Labour Party. I would also like to thank all the other people who were directly or indirectly involved, like my fellow peace activists Charles Dickson and Supriya Vani who inspired me to write this book and the people of Seats2Meet at Amersfoort station. Everyone contributed in their own unique and vital way. Thank you all for your commitment to breaking the stigma around mental illness and give insight into the mind of someone who is severely psychotic, locked up inside herself and striving towards world peace.

I wish you peace and an enjoyable reading experience.

With love,

May-May Meijer

Its a sunny day in May when my husband Vince and I were both 33 years old arrive in Cubas capital city Havana. Vince is the love of my life. We love discovering new places and have made a lot of trips together. We met 11 years ago during the induction week at university, in the Leidseplein in Amsterdam. In Turkey we went camping in the wild after a local lent us his tent. We were woken up by sheep, and local farmers invited us to eat