Becky Beaupre Gillespie - Good Enough Is the New Perfect

Good Enough Is the New Perfect

Ditch the Worry and Love the Mom You Already Are

Becky Beaupre Gillespie and Hollee Schwartz Temple

For Nikki

Contents

Prologue: Summer 2020

Were writing this update in the middle of a global pandemic that just laid waste to nearly every fragile idea we had about working motherhood.

Just ask any mom who tried to oversee her kids remote learning while working from home (sometimes staying up half the night in the process) or who struggled with boundaries once her home office was steps from the kitchen, or even right in the kitchen. Or the ones with impossible choicesessential workers who didnt have backup child care when the schools closed, moms of kids with disabilities, those who were laid off in a faltering economy. Ask the teacher-moms, who wondered whether in-person classrooms meant putting their own lives on the lineand the moms who had to make decisions about their own jobs without knowing when the schools would open. Ask the moms who already felt invisible and unheard, and those who worried not just about the virus but about violence, lack of investment in their communities, or the insidious impact of systemic racism. Right now, the list of very real things that keep moms awake at night is long. Embracing Good Enough isnt a cure for any of it. But many of us need a place to start, a way of reconnecting with ourselves so we can do whatever work we feel called to do personally, professionally, and within society.

Thats what this rerelease is about: getting out of our own heads and calling out the bullshit and for the love of all that is sacred letting go of this need to be perfect. Truly, it isnt helping. We cant build bridgesor a better, more just worldif were so busy lamenting our own defects that we cant hear or see whats happening around us. We cant address persistent workplace inequity if we feel, somewhere deep down, that were supposed to be able to do everything were trying to do. We cant find our purpose if all we hear is you should...

So screw you should. You are already enough.

We wish wed fully understood this 10 years ago, when our kids were little and there were never enough hours in the day and we sometimes (no, often) felt like we were drowning.

We wish wed known that it gets easierand that easier wouldnt come from finding more hours or making fewer mistakes. The truth is, despite everything wed been given and everything wed learned, we stumbled. Becky devoted nearly a year to a start-up that ultimately failed, and Hollee launched a business that left her crying many nights, wondering why she cared so much about something that was never going to turn a profit. Sometimes we experienced moments of clarity that illuminated an important truth, but other times we allowed shame, fear, or anger to block our view. We sometimes drove ourselves crazy trying to get a handle on things or worried too much about what other people would think.

In these years, as our daughters and sons grew into young adultsbold, defiant, compassionate humans guided by their own priorities and passionswe sometimes threw open the windows and let the wind whip through our hair and marveled at the whole messy enterprise. And, yes, it was messyand marvelous. We made crazy decisions and safe decisions, sometimes mustering the courage to step onto shaky limbs and other times clinging to the trunk. We fell, we flew. We said no. We said yes. And a few times, with our hearts in our throats, we said goodbye. Becky was gutted by the death of her dad and it was a full year before she found herself again, and we bothHollee most especiallygrieved deeply the loss of a woman wed met while writing this book.

At some point, it dawned on us: Discomfort, uncertainty, and vulnerability were not our enemies. Even if they were enemies, they couldnt be shouted down or chased away. They were just there, bleary, steadfast teachers, waiting to impart the lessons we didnt think we needed to learn.

So finally we welcomed them in, made some space, and began to listen.

Which is good, because when 2020 arrived, we needed the perspective.

Good Enough is the New Perfect is a book about recognizing and resisting the myths about success, happiness, and motherhood. You know the ones: that its possible to do everything at once (its not); that if we havent mastered work/life balance, we must not be trying (aiming for balance can become its own form of perfectionism); that worrying will lead us to the right answer (overthinking is exhausting and unproductive). Our extensive research confirms this: The most fulfilled women make choices.

Again: They make choices.

They live according to their own expectations, in ways that fit their own desires and lives. They differentiate between being the best and doing their best, they listen, and they seek out ideas and people that stir the spirit. We know this isnt as simple as it soundsletting go requires commitment and nearly always involves setbacksand not everyone has the same resources, desires, and support. But we also know that abandoning the crutch of perfectionism is an essential undertaking, in whatever form it takes.

And it has never been more essential than it is right now. This isnt selfish work: Good Enough thinking is what frees up space for compassion, allyship, and community engagement. Its what helps us survive the unexpected, like the pandemic that prompted the New York Times to declare in July 2020: In the COVID-19 Economy, You Can Have a Kid or a Job. You Cant Have Both. Its what enables us to navigate the complexity of fraught, politically polarized times, and to find the courage, wisdom, and space to take action. We know our world needs more than a mindset shiftwe need infrastructure and reforms that will ensure equal opportunity for all familiesbut we also know that we cant help ourselves or others until we make peace with uncertainty, discomfort, and our own vulnerability.

The women in this book helped teach us thatespecially Nikki, whom youll meet in the pages to come. She was brave enough to be vulnerable, to choose a new pathand, ultimately, to face the fight of her life with strength and grace. She taught us that life has always been uncertain, that nothing is guaranteed, and that there is beauty in the collection of moments we are given in this world.

The stories on these pages unfolded a decade ago; the ages, jobs, and other details reflect where these women were then. (In one case, we changed a womans last name to accommodate a need that emerged in recent years.) Like us, most of the women have continued to evolve and learn in the years that followed the original publication, and you can read some of their updates in the epilogue. The obstacles they faced, whether the result of ingrained gender bias, 24/7 connectivity, or their own beliefs about success, are the same ones that still confound working moms. We have made a few small changes to the original book, primarily to eliminate confusion or include insights that werent available when we wrote the first edition. (For example, in Chapter 4: The Good (Enough) Wife, you can find new information on same-sex families). In most cases, weve pointed to the new information in our additional resources section in the endnotes, which is organized by chapter. In a few cases, weve included notes directly in the text to acknowledge a shift that is relevant to the point being made.

Not every woman will see herself in every story within this book, and thats okay. Our hope is to ignite a new conversation about work and family, to examine the ways in which society perpetuates false beliefs about motherhood, and to get real about our own attitudes and choices.