Richard L. Mabry - The Tender Scar: Life After the Death of a Spouse

The Tender Scar: Life After the Death of a Spouse

2006, 2017 by Richard L. Mabry

Second edition 2017

Published by Kregel Publications, a division of Kregel, Inc., 2450 Oak Industrial Dr. NE, Grand Rapids, MI 49505.

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The authors and publisher are not engaged in rendering medical or psychological services, and this book is not intended as a guide to diagnose or treat medical or psychological problems. If medical, psychological, or other expert assistance is required, the reader should seek the services of a healthcare provider or certified counselor.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked AMP are from the Amplified Bible, Copyright 2015 by

The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. www.Lockman.org

Scripture quotations marked MSG are from The Message. Copyright by Eugene H. Peterson 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Scripture quotations marked NASB are from the New American Standard Bible. Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. www.Lockman.org

Scripture quotations marked NIV are from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com

ISBN 978-0-8254-4476-0

Printed in the United States of America

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W hen I first tried to write The Tender Scar I was tempted to portray myself in a better light by explaining and justifying some of my actions and attitudes. It didnt work. It was only when I succeeded in transferring my unedited feelings to paper, opening myself to criticism and making myself vulnerable, that the book became the kind of work I wanted it to be. The book carries with it some of the raw emotions I felt, and perhaps thats why its helped so many others.

The Tender Scar has been ministering for a decade to those touched by the loss of a spouse. When the publishers asked me about a revision, my reply was, This book was written while the pain of Cynthias death was still fresh enough to make my thoughts valid. I dont want to change a thing.

More than a year after Cynthias death, God blessed me once more with the love of a wonderful and understanding woman, Kay. I find her insights into the writing life Ive slipped into after my retirement from medicine both accurate and helpful, although sometimes they sting a bit. It was Kay who suggested that I might add a chapter to the book about what Ive now experienced for more than fifteen yearsa second marriage that creates a blended family. And as my new journey with Kay differs from my journey with Cynthia, youll find my writing in this new chapter to differ from my writing in the first edition of The Tender Scar.

I hope you find the totality of this work helpful.

I f youve picked up this book, chances are that youor someone dear to youhave lost a loved one. Perhaps a spouse.

Every marriage includes the dream of living happily ever after. Some part of us realizes, of course, that the time we share together with our spouses will eventually end. But the human tendency is to put that bit of reality aside. Too often we successfully ignore it until our ever after comes to a screeching halt. Mine did at 7:30 p.m. on Tuesday, September 14, 1999. This book stems from the aftermath of that event and is based on my observations and comments as someone whos been there, done that, survived, and continues to work at reaching the other side of grief. It is unapologetically personal, because my experience is all I can write about with certainty. It has a Christian perspective, because both Cynthia and I made Christ an integral part of our lives and our marriage. And although happily ever after might not be possible, may these pages offer comfort and inspiration that starts you on the road to hopefully ever after.

One bit of advice I received after Cynthias death was to begin journaling. This can be a means of achieving some catharsis of the pent-up and varied emotions experienced by the recently bereaved. My journaling began as emails to my family, my closest friends, and my pastor, along with an occasional letter written posthumously to Cynthia as well as entries meant just for me. This book is an outgrowth of that journaling. I have taken the seminal portions (the text in italics at the beginning of each chapter) and used them as jumping-off points for discussion, including recommendations and words of comfort for the bereaved. Ive tried to convey the emotions I was feelingthe good and the bad, the highs and the lowshoping that this will help you know that others have felt the same way you do. My comments offer help for the person wondering, When will this end? or Is it normal to feel this way? or What have other people done about this?

You may have already heard or read that healing from the death of a spouse will take about a year, two years at most. Ive learned differently. The length of that journey has been indeterminate for me, as it will be for you. But Im far enough along on the path to look back from a clearer perspective and comment on the emotions and reactions that are common to the grieving individual. If even one chapter of this book helps just one person get through his or her own passage through the valley of the shadow of death, then my efforts will have been worth it. Thank you for sharing my journey.

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. (2 Cor. 4:8)

Dear Lord, we acknowledge that Your ways are not our ways. Your agenda doesnt always coincide with ours. Only in the fullness of time, when we stand before Your throne, will we truly understand why terrible things happen in this world. We pray that those who mourn will be comforted, those who feel incomplete will achieve healing, and that, in all we do and say, we will have the grace to finally say with a willing heart, Thy will be done. Grant this peace to all those experiencing the desolation of loss. We pray in Your healing name, amen.

T his book could never have become a reality without the help and inspiration of a number of people. I acknowledge the loving support given me by my church families at both Cliff Temple Baptist Church and Duncanvilles First Baptist Church, and by my pastors, Glen Schmucker, Charles Lovell, and Keith Brister. I also received encouragement from my children and their spousesAllen and Lynne, Brian and Catherine, and Ann. God has given me a second blessing in the form of a loving and caring wife, Kay, who has been not only wonderfully understanding and helpful during my continuing journey but has been my strong right arm during the process of creating this book. The experience of attending the Christian Writers Workshop in Glorieta, New Mexico, was a watershed event in my life and my Christian experience. From that point, God inspired me, and mentors helped me, to take an unformed conglomeration of journaling and transform it into the pages you see here.