Liz Hoggard - The Book for Dangerous Women: A Guide to Modern Life

Copyright 2011 Claire Conville, Liz Hoggard, and Sarah-Jane Lovett

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This edition published in 2012 by
House of Anansi Press Inc.
110 SpadinaAvenue, Suite 801
Toronto, ON, M5V2K4
Tel. 416-363-4343
Fax 416-363-1017
www.houseofanansi.com

LIBRARY AND ARCHIVES CANADA CATALOGUING IN PUBLICATION

Conville, ClareThe book for dangerous women / Clare Conville, Liz Hoggard, Sarah-Jane Lovett.

Previous title: Dangerous women.
eISBN978-1-77089-192-0

1. Women Conduct of life. 2. Women Psychology.
I. Hoggard, Liz II. Lovett, Sarah-Jane III. Title.
HQ1221.C65 2012 646.70082 C2011-908625-5

Cover design by Royce M. Becker
Border artwork by cabinlondon.co.uk

We acknowledge for their financial support of our publishingprogram the Canada Council for the Arts, the Ontario Arts Council, and theGovernment of Canada through the Canada Book Fund.

DEDICATEES

For my beautiful children, Tom, Ted and Milly and for DW Rowan Pelling and for Sue Armstrong

CBC

To the friends I can call at 4 a.m.

(thank you, Marlene Dietrich), this really is the best bit...

LH

For Otis and Queenie Ingrams, forever

SJL

I am because you are.

AFRICAN PROVERB

If theres a book you

really want to read but

it hasnt been written yet,

then you must write it.

TONI MORRISON

If there is one person who is still not free, then I am not;

if there is one person who still suffers from insult and humiliation,

then I do. Do you understand yet?

AI WEIWEI

Begin anywhere.

JOHN CAGE

A
*****

ABSTRACT THOUGHT

It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change.

ALICE, FROM ALICES ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND,
LEWIS CARROL

(v: Lateral thinking)

* * * * *

ACCEPTING A COMPLIMENT

Accepting a compliment can be extremely hard to do, particularly if you have grown up in an environment of criticism. In fact, it is a skill that may take up to a lifetime to accomplish, but its extremely important that you do.

The most cherished compliments often come out of context, and in unlikely places, and they can often leave the recipient feeling slightly lost for words. Poor compliment etiquette is when you deny the compliment giver, i.e. you imply that the compliment given isnt actually true, because this means that he or she has to redouble his or her efforts and turns a charming, life-enhancing, generous gesture into slightly tedious, therapeutic reassurance.

The double whammy is that you have also insulted the giver a little. The underlying message being that they are somehow not intelligent enough, perceptive enough, or dont know enough about you to make this call.

So acknowledge the compliment gracefully, a simple but heartfelt Thank you will suffice, and let the truth in about yourself too. Gradually, without becoming vain, you will develop self-acceptance and secret confidence.

(v: Secret confidence, Self-deprecation)

* * * * *

ACCEPTING INVITATIONS

Whether its a no or a yes to the opening of a biscuit tin it is extremely important that you respond, politely, and in good time, to invitations. Our preferred method of reply is, of course, a handwritten letter, but if this is just totally unrealistic, a text or e-mail to the relevant person will do. If it was a private event such as a supper, a party or a trip to the theatre or something similar, dont forget to write a proper thank-you letter.

(v: Debt, Money matters)

* * * * *

ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY

(v: Boundaries, Breaking the rules, Grasping the nettle, Money matters, Opening brown envelopes)

* * * * *

ADVENTURE

Adventure is worthwhile in itself.

AMELIA EARHART

What do you want to do? Where do you want to go? Until the twenty-first century, with a few notable exceptions cf. The Wilder Shores of Love by Lesley Blanch adventure was considered to be the province of men in topees. However, the combination of the vote, rising hemlines, two world wars, contraception, inspiring female athletes, the birth of television and sensationally effective extreme weather wear have opened up infinite vistas for all of us. So, without upsetting the whole domestic applecart, the time has come to be adventurous. A shortlist of near-to-home, gutsy, sports activities can help to focus the mind, challenge the body and blow away the cobwebs and the boom in Internet-based companies offering trekking, canoeing, archery, fencing, hiking, falconry, shooting, and riding seems virtually limitless. If you fancy a greater challenge to mind, body and spirit, think about a camping expedition in the Kalahari, a riding holiday in Argentina, a bicycling trip through Cambodia and Vietnam, or charity work in Malawi.

(v: Comfort zone, Long-haul travel, Safety)

* * * * *

Advice (giving and receiving)

If somebody asks for your advice, give it thoughtfully and gracefully in the knowledge that they will, of course, ignore it. Ditto if you are asking for advice. Receive it thoughtfully and graciously before you ignore it. If you are on the receiving end of unasked-for advice, just ignore it. However, a fathers advice to his daughter on her twenty-first birthday However much you have to drink you must remember what you said and did in the morning. Never interfere in a great love affair and dont sleep with your secretary has stood her in good stead.

(v: Affairs, Insomnia, I dont)

* * * * *

AFFAIRS

Should you or shouldnt you? The answer is that you shouldnt. But, as it is crucial to the excitement of having an affair to let all experience, wisdom and proffered advice go out of the window, you are probably going to go ahead anyway.

An affair can be thrilling: excitingly illicit, deeply passionate and often liberating on many levels all the things that a long-term relationship isnt. However, affairs can also bring heartbreak, not just to the two people involved, but also to their respective partners, children and extended families.

If you are unable to practice self-restraint here are some guidelines:

1. Dont have an affair with your husbands best friend.
2. Be discreet.
3. Garters and stockings are always good.
4. Dont neglect your children.
5. Remember your friends, you may need them in due course.
6. However wonderful it is, remind yourself occasionally that most affairs have a lifetime of six months to two years.
7. Dont slag off your lovers partner, or join in when he does it. Its unfair and its undignified.
8. If your lover is in a relationship and you are single, only you are allowed to set the rules.