Clare Conville - The Book for Dangerous Women: A Guide to Modern Life

The Book for

D ANGEROUS

W OMEN

The Book for

D ANGEROUS

W OMEN

A Guide to Modern Life

.......................

Clare Conville, Liz Hoggard

& Sarah-Jane Lovett

Grove Press

New York

Copyright 2011 by Clare Conville, Liz Hoggard, and Sarah-Jane Lovett All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review. Scanning, uploading, and electronic distribution of this book or the facilitation of such without the permission of the publisher is prohibited. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the authors rights is appreciated. Any member of educational institutions wishing to photocopy part or all of the work for classroom use, or anthology, should send inquiries to Grove/Atlantic, Inc., 841 Broadway, New York, NY 10003 or .

First published in Great Britain in 2011 by Weidenfeld & Nicolson

Printed in the United States of America

FIRST AMERICAN EDITION

ISBN-13: 978-0-8021-9466-4

www.dangerouswomen.co.uk

Grove Press

an imprint of Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

841 Broadway

New York, NY 10003

Distributed by Publishers Group West

www.groveatlantic.com

12 13 14 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

D EDICATEES

For my beautiful children, Tom, Ted and Milly and for DW Rowan Pelling and for Sue Armstrong

CBC

To the friends I can call at 4 a.m.

(thank you, Marlene Dietrich), this really is the best bit...

LH

For Otis and Queenie Ingrams, forever

SJL

I am because you are.

A FRICAN PROVERB

If theres a book you

really want to read but

it hasnt been written yet,

then you must write it.

T ONI M ORRISON

If there is one person who is still not free, then I am not;

if there is one person who still suffers from insult and humiliation,

then I do. Do you understand yet?

A I W EIWEI

Begin anywhere.

J OHN C AGE

A BSTRACT THOUGHT

It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change.

A LICE, FROM A LICES A DVENTURES IN W ONDERLAND , L EWIS C ARROL

(v: Lateral thinking)

A CCEPTING A COMPLIMENT

Accepting a compliment can be extremely hard to do, particularly if you have grown up in an environment of criticism. In fact, it is a skill that may take up to a lifetime to accomplish, but its extremely important that you do.

The most cherished compliments often come out of context, and in unlikely places, and they can often leave the recipient feeling slightly lost for words. Poor compliment etiquette is when you deny the compliment giver, i.e. you imply that the compliment given isnt actually true, because this means that he or she has to redouble his or her efforts and turns a charming, life-enhancing, generous gesture into slightly tedious, therapeutic reassurance.

The double whammy is that you have also insulted the giver a little. The underlying message being that they are somehow not intelligent enough, perceptive enough, or dont know enough about you to make this call.

So acknowledge the compliment gracefully, a simple but heartfelt Thank you will suffice, and let the truth in about yourself too. Gradually, without becoming vain, you will develop self-acceptance and secret confidence.

(v: Secret confidence, Self-deprecation)

A CCEPTING INVITATIONS

Whether its a no or a yes to the opening of a biscuit tin it is extremely important that you respond, politely, and in good time, to invitations. Our preferred method of reply is, of course, a handwritten letter, but if this is just totally unrealistic, a text or e-mail to the relevant person will do. If it was a private event such as a supper, a party or a trip to the theatre or something similar, dont forget to write a proper thank-you letter.

(v: Debt, Money matters)

A CCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY

(v: Boundaries, Breaking the rules, Grasping the nettle, Money matters, Opening brown envelopes)

A DVENTURE

Adventure is worthwhile in itself.

A MELIA E ARHART

What do you want to do? Where do you want to go? Until the twenty-first century, with a few notable exceptions cf. The Wilder Shores of Love by Lesley Blanch adventure was considered to be the province of men in topees. However, the combination of the vote, rising hemlines, two world wars, contraception, inspiring female athletes, the birth of television and sensationally effective extreme weather wear have opened up infinite vistas for all of us. So, without upsetting the whole domestic applecart, the time has come to be adventurous. A shortlist of near-to-home, gutsy, sports activities can help to focus the mind, challenge the body and blow away the cobwebs and the boom in Internet-based companies offering trekking, canoeing, archery, fencing, hiking, falconry, shooting, and riding seems virtually limitless. If you fancy a greater challenge to mind, body and spirit, think about a camping expedition in the Kalahari, a riding holiday in Argentina, a bicycling trip through Cambodia and Vietnam, or charity work in Malawi.

(v: Comfort zone, Long-haul travel, Safety)

A DVICE (giving and receiving)

If somebody asks for your advice, give it thoughtfully and gracefully in the knowledge that they will, of course, ignore it. Ditto if you are asking for advice. Receive it thoughtfully and graciously before you ignore it. If you are on the receiving end of unasked-for advice, just ignore it. However, a fathers advice to his daughter on her twenty-first birthday However much you have to drink you must remember what you said and did in the morning. Never interfere in a great love affair and dont sleep with your secretary has stood her in good stead.

(v: Affairs, Insomnia, I dont)

A FFAIRS

Should you or shouldnt you? The answer is that you shouldnt. But, as it is crucial to the excitement of having an affair to let all experience, wisdom and proffered advice go out of the window, you are probably going to go ahead anyway.

An affair can be thrilling: excitingly illicit, deeply passionate and often liberating on many levels all the things that a long-term relationship isnt. However, affairs can also bring heartbreak, not just to the two people involved, but also to their respective partners, children and extended families.

If you are unable to practice self-restraint here are some guidelines:

1. Dont have an affair with your husbands best friend.

2. Be discreet.

3. Garters and stockings are always good.

4. Dont neglect your children.