Erin Merryn - Living for Today: From Incest and Molestation to Fearlessness and Forgiveness

Some names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals mentioned in this book.

Scripture quotations are taken from the New American Standard Bible Copyright 1960, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Merryn, Erin.

Living for today : from incest and molestation to fearlessness and forgiveness / Erin Merryn.

p. cm.

Includes index.

ISBN-13: 978-0-7573-1419-3 (Paperback)

ISBN-10: 0-7573-1419-8 (Paperback)

ISBN-13: 978-0-7573-9589-5 (ePub)

ISBN-10: 0-7573-9589-9 (ePub)

1. Child sexual abuse. 2. Incest. 3. Sex crimes. I. Title.

2009 Erin Merryn

All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photo copying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

HCI, its logos, and marks are trademarks of Health Communications, Inc.

Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.

3201 S.W. 15th Street

Deerfield Beach, FL 334428190

Cover design by Larissa Hise Henoch
Interior design by Lawna Patterson Oldfield
Formatting by Dawn Von Strolley Grove

This book is dedicated to my parents,
who have supported their daughters from day one
and never turned their backs on us.
This book is also dedicated to sexual abuse survivors.

CONTENTS

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I n a world that often turns its back to the ugly horrors of child sexual abuse, I have been blessed to meet some incredible people who have taken a stand with me to put a face and voice on an epidemic in our world.

God knew when He created me that He was going to work wonders in my life, and He has shown me His purpose for me. He has taught me that He will give me only what I can handle, and I know He is smiling down on me as I discover triumph in tragedy. He is my strength that pushes me forward each day. One day He will be standing on the other side of lifes door, calling me home to celebrate the life I lived and conquered because of Him.

None of this could have been possible had it not been for the wonderful people at my incredible publishing company, Health Communications, Inc.: Peter Vegso, Tom Sand, Michele Matrisciani, Kim Weiss, and the entire company of men and women who have taken part in allowing my voice to be heard. When you could have easily looked the other way, you saw my passion, heard my determination, and knew lives would be changed through my words. You all have been a part of changing thousands of lives by allowing me to help people break their silence, find their voices, and wake up society. I am truly grateful for your giving me this opportunity to take a stand and change the way America views sexual abuse.

Without my parents I would not be the person I am today. They have stood behind me when I took my first steps, catching me if I fell, and have continued to stand behind me through breaking my silence and finding my healing. I always had them to fall back on. They have gone above and beyond for their daughters. Not enough words are in the dictionary to express how truly grateful I am for all they have done for me. I am blessed to call you Mom and Dad.

To my sister and best friend Allie, who shares many memories of an incredible childhood filled with so much laughter and joy that has followed us into adulthood, thank you for taking part in sharing your voice with others and supporting the work I do to reach other survivors like us. You have come a long way in your own healing, and I am really proud of you.

To my sister Caitlin, for the support and love you have shared with your two younger sisters. Thank you for reminding me in times of darkness how much I have overcome in my life and that I can conquer other challenges I am sure to face, and for being at my side when I was vulnerable and helping me let it all out.

To Gayla Elliott, for helping me reach the little girl within me and bring her to the surface. You had faith in my ability to confront and heal the abuse in my life and reminded me that healing is a gradual process: one word, one page, and one chapter at a time.

Thanks go to the Childrens Advocacy Centers across America, who help children fight for the justice they deserve. To each and every person who dedicates their lives to these centers, whether it is helping the children who walk through the doors or helping fund these nonprofit centers, you help children to step out of darkness, find their voices, and begin to heal.

To all who have taken part in the course of my life in helping me find my voice and heal, you know who you are, thank you. You have played an important part in helping me get where I am today, whether it was teaching me, counseling me, or being a true friend and supporting me.

Last, to you my readers, I thank you for being a part of my journey. It is my hope that you will jump on board and join me in my fight to make other sexual abuse survivors aware that they are not alone. Each of us has a voice and the power to use it.

PROLOGUE

My Sisters Voice

L ooking down the path I have taken in my life, I have changed a great deal. My sister and I took different approaches in dealing with the pain of sexual abuse. Looking at a picture of myself at age ten, I wish I could have given that innocent little girl a voice. I have held in a lot of my pain and suffering, not knowing what to do with it or where to go for help. I had a difficult time expressing my feelings, which I am still working on today, but watching my sister be so brave and speak out has helped me find my own voice.

When Erin asked me to share my voice in this book, I was sort of hesitant. What would I say? How would I say it? What am I feeling right now? I have been hurt by relatives who denied what happened to Erin and I, I have forgiven my cousin for what he did to me, I hate being uncomfortable in certain situations, and I clearly remember my cousin trapping me in dark places and molesting me.

Everyone goes through the steps of pain and grief in their own way. I was in denial when the abuse was going on. I hoped it was all a dream and none of it was real. I tried to sweep the memories of the abuse under the rug, praying it would disappear. As a child it was such a big weight to carry and I did not know where to put it. I thought I was tough enough to deal with it on my own and hold it all in. I soon found out I was not. That spring day will live in me forever when Erin and I realized we were carrying the same secret. Together we knew we had to break our silence. She warned me that our lives would never be the same again.

The day we told our parents of the abuse was unforgettable. Finally, I could breathe a sigh of relief and feel safe knowing my cousin would never again lay a hand on us. My parents wrapped their arms around Erin and I that night, telling us how much they loved us and that they believed us. I thank God for the parents He gave me and how loving and supportive they have been through it all.

Years have passed now since that day, and I have grown so much. My sister has accomplished much as an author and speaker, and she has inspired so many. Erin is an advocate for other survivors of abuse. She has helped many people and saved several from years of pain and suffering. I wish I were that strong. Watching Erin on her crusade has helped me grow and find my own voice. It took me a little longer to process and learn how to deal with sexual abuse. I just wanted the memories to go away, but then they all hit me when I got to college. Different situations would trigger memories, pain. But each time I learned something new about myself. Sexual abuse affected me at different stages of my life: childhood, teen years, and now into my twenties. The truth is no matter how much time has gone by, it does not erase the memories of what happened. Since being at college, the abuse has affected me in a more powerful way.