Erin Davis - Connected: Curing the Pandemic of Everyone Feeling Alone Together

Copyright 2014 by Erin Davis

All rights reserved

Printed in the United States of America

978-1-4336-8258-2

Published by B&H Publishing Group

Nashville, Tennessee

Dewey Decimal Classification: 248.843

Subject Heading: WOMEN \ LONELINESS \ SOLITUDE

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture used from the English Standard Version ( esv ), copyright 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked ( niv ) are taken from The Holy Bible: New International Version niv . Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

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To my twin sister, Nikki. God knew I would wrestle with loneliness. Im so thankful Hes given me a friend since the womb.

Chapter 1

The Seismic Shift

It was an epic moment. A star took the stage in a beautiful, designer gown and accepted a prestigious award. In a sea of people with eyes fixed squarely on her, she was not alone. Perhaps thats why our mouths collectively fell open when she looked into the cameras and made this confession.

I want to be seen, to be understood deeply and to not be so very lonely.

You might recognize that line as part of Jodie Fosters acceptance speech for the Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award at the 2013 Golden Globes. It was a speech that left many scratching their heads. How is it possible for someone so famous to be lonely? Why did her lonely confession cause so many of us to squirm? Are we a society uncomfortable with loneliness? If so, is that because loneliness is unfamiliar to us or because we know the sting of loneliness a little too well?

Ive never won a lifetime achievement award. My designer is Target (preferably off the clearance rack) and my wedding was the last time I squeezed into anything that could be described as a gown. Im not famous and have never felt the burn of the white-hot spotlight...

But I know what its like to be lonely.

It all started with a seismic shift.

The Seismic Shift

My calendar was jam-packed with things to do, people to see, and activities to attend. My e-mail in-box was full of correspondence from friends and acquaintances. Some days my phone never stopped ringing. If you had asked me to name my friends, I could have hammered out a long list. By all appearances I seemed well connected.

Loneliness Lesson #1: Appearances can be deceiving.

My husband, Jason, had been on staff at a church for twelve years. That meant that for our entire marriage and most of my adult life we were hyper involved in our church. It was the hive of activity where almost all of our relationships were formed. I almost never spent time alone; instead my life was full of things to do with people I considered myself connected to.

For more than a decade I allowed busyness to blind me to the true condition of my life. And then, the earth seemed to literally shift beneath my feet.

Jason took a new job in a different state. He would no longer be working for a church and would telecommute, allowing us to stay in our community. In order to make room for the person who would replace him, we left our church but assumed the relationships we had built there would remain intact. Sadly, we were wrong.

It was as if someone pulled an emergency brake on our schedules and we went from having every day, evening, and weekend full of things to do to suddenly having nothing going on. Our phones stopped ringing. The relationships that had once filled every crevice of our lives simply faded away.

Dont worry; you havent picked up a book written by a bitter former pastors wife. There was no nasty church stink that caused us to be cut off from our former friends. But I believe that what we experienced in that season is symptomatic of the way that many of us live our modern lives. I have a hunch that you know how it feels to have many friends, a full schedule, and a pit in your stomach. There is an illusion of connectedness to the people around you accompanied by a gnawing fear that youre somehow alone in this world.

After we left our church, loneliness hit me like a tidal wave. I felt so disoriented in my new reality that I began referring to that season as the seismic shift. I felt suddenly and painfully aware that I had settled for the mirage of connectedness. I had chosen to keep my relationships at a surface level because that was easier. It simply required less of me to remain in shallow waters than it would to develop deep friendships. As a result, when the convenience factor was removed, those relationships, while amicable, simply ceased to exist.

Once the bubble burst I looked hard into the condition of my permanent relationships. My marriage, my relationships with my siblings and my parents, my most important friendships... I realized that while I loved those people deeply, and they loved me, I wasnt sure we really knew each other well. Something seemed to be missing.

By definition, a seismic shift is an event of enormous proportions with significant consequences. Watching the bottom fall out of my relationships certainly qualifies, but mine is not a sob story. While I didnt enjoy the time I spent wrestling with loneliness, I learned so much in that season, namely that God has hardwired us for deep and meaningful relationships, and true connection with others is possible and game changing.

My Own Lonely Confession

Ive never won a Golden Globe, but I do know what its like to stand on a stage and make a lonely confession. I was scheduled to speak at a large event for teen girls and their adult leaders smack-dab in the middle of the seismic shift. I cant remember what I had planned to speak on but as I was preparing my notes to teach, I felt the Lord gently nudge me to shift gears and speak on the subject of loneliness. If I had my way, I would have stuck to something less personal. Something that made me sound like I had my act together. But Ive learned through the years that obedience to the nudges of God is the surest way to avoid a total train wreck, so I stood on that stage and I admitted that I was lonely. I even choked down a few tears. A friend of mine who was in the audience said she started to panic when she realized I was going to cry in front of all of those people.

I thought, Erin never cries, she told me later. I had no idea what you were doing up there.

Loneliness Lesson #2: If the people in your inner circle have never watched your heart break, your mask is glued on too tightly.

I dont really remember all that I said from that stage, but I do remember what happened afterward. As I wrapped up, I asked if anyone would be brave enough to admit that while sitting in an auditorium filled with people, they felt alone. One by one, women of all ages stood. Tears streamed down their faces. I simply watched in wonder.

For almost an hour after that event, women and teenagers stood in line to talk to me. Many of them shared about what made them lonely. Some had heartbreaking stories of loss and broken relationships, but most of them simply werent sure how to truly connect in a world that travels at lightning speed. One woman walked up to me with huge tears in her eyes and handed me a crumpled piece of paper. Hours later as I settled into my hotel room, I pulled that slip of paper from my pocket and read her bittersweet words.

Im lonely too.

Thats it. Thats all she wrote. Maybe that was all she had the courage to say, but it was as if she had handed me the key to unlocking one of the best-kept secrets of our times.

Her words were a spark that lit a fire in my belly. Suddenly I felt like a scientist in one of those movies about a crippling and contagious disease hitting the globe. Through the microscope of my own life, I discovered a pandemic of loneliness among women who seemed to have it all together, and I became determined to do something about it.