Zoë Kors - Radical Intimacy: Cultivate the Deeply Connected Relationships You Desire and Deserve

T HERE IS A SPECIFIC MOMENT THAT HAS BECOME INEVITABLE IN THE hundreds of workshops I have facilitated. It happens every time, and it goes like this: Each participant pairs up with someone they dont know. The nervous excitement is palpable. I ask them to take turns sharing something that is hard for them to admit, something theyve kept secret from the rest of the world and maybe even themselves. I instruct them how to skillfully listen, support, and witness each other. Apprehension gives way to vulnerability. After their mutual share, they look into each others eyes for a good ten minutes without looking away, and finally I have them say to each other I see you. I got you. I love you. This is the moment I am referring to. Its marked by tears of joy, relief, recognition, and appreciation. Having taken an oath of confidentiality and willingly shed any hint of pretense, its as if, communally and individually, we step into a space that feels safe enough to be exactly who and where we areunapologetically real, raw, and rough. Its just us, its tender, and its profound. This is radical intimacy.

Part of what makes these moments so powerful is that they rarely happen in the context of our daily lives. How many times have you brushed off a tense interaction with your partner because you didnt want to incite the same argument youve been having over and over again, maybe even for years? What about when you catch a heart-wrenching glimpse of yourself in the mirror in spite of your efforts to avoid seeing yourself naked? Do you have your own version of escaping into a gallon of ice cream and Netflix instead of experiencing the discomfort of your feelings? Moments like these arent troublesome as isolated incidents, but the collection of them in repetition, over time, creates a persistent low-key disorientation. We skim the surface of our lives pretending there isnt a swirling bog of unresolved energy growing underneath, the neglect of which leads to anxiety, depression, and loss of purpose.

In my many years of supporting individuals and couples as a sex and intimacy coach, I have come to know, firsthand, the ravaging effects of this kind of distraction, deflection, and denial. Maybe you know it too. Has your spouse suddenly announced they are leaving you for someone else after a lifetime together of raising kids and creating a family enterprise? Or maybe you are knee-deep in the aftermath of a divorce wondering how you once loved the person you now despise with every cell of your body. Perhaps you finally settled down with a good guy, only to end up in a sexless marriage still fantasizing about sex with the narcissistic hot guy. Maybe after years of being with your partner, you feel more like roommates or siblings than lovers. Or have you always thought you would get married one day but just never found the one? If any of this sounds familiar Welcome. Youve arrived in the right place.

The long-term consequences of distracting ourselves from the practice of sustained intimacy on many levels arent specific to gender, sex, orientation, or relationship status. Everyone at one time or another has asked themselves if this is all there is. Everyone has wondered how to sustain desire, enthusiasm, affection, and respect for our intimate partners over time. And everyone has, at one point in their lives, looked in the mirror and wondered where the person they used to know has gone. Our thunderbolt, 140-character, hyperstimulating, same-day-delivery, mobile-order-half-caff-venti-one-pump-sugar-free-vanilla-coconut-milk-latte kind of world provides an environment inhospitable to intimacy, with others, with ourselves.