Emerald Garner - Finding My Voice

2021 Emerald Garner

Published in 2022 by

Haymarket Books

P.O. Box 180165

Chicago, IL 60618

773-583-7884

www.haymarketbooks.org

ISBN: 978-1-64259-861-2

Distributed to the trade in the US through Consortium Book Sales and Distribution (www.cbsd.com) and internationally through Ingram Publisher Services International (www.ingramcontent.com).

This book was published with the generous support of Lannan Foundation and Wallace Action Fund.

Special discounts are available for bulk purchases by organizations and institutions. Please email for more information.

Cover photograph by Javon Acree, IMU Media.

Cover design by Rachel Cohen.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication data is available.

CHAPTER 1

They Killed My Father

July 17, 2014, started out as a normal day. It was the middle of the summer, and the heat was insufferableit was hot, unbearably hot! I had no idea that my life was about to change forever. I never imagined what was in store. I was home with my friend Breanna and our kids, Kaylee and Kory. We had just eaten breakfast and were about to spend the day relaxing in the house. It was my day off, and I was looking forward to relaxing. I was working at Payless as a key person (an assistant manager). I had been on the job for about two months. I was feeling pretty good about myself. I was feeling accomplished. I had worked very hard to advance myself. I was happy about being independent. I had my own apartment. I was feeling my adulthood.

My phone rang. It was a call from my mother, and she was frantic. She said, Your father was rushed to the hospital from Bay Street, and they said hes not breathing. I said, Hes not breathing, or did he have an asthma attack? She said she didnt know and would call me back.

I told my friend to watch the kids and that I would be right back. I went out to the store and ended up calling another friend of mine, Kiara, who didnt live far from me. I told her what was going on, and she said, Make the call three-way and call your mother again, so I did. When I called, my mother didnt answer. Kiara said, I think you should head to Staten Island ASAP! I remember feeling so nervous and uneasy, like I was ready to jump out of my skin. I tried to call all my siblings then I headed back upstairs. No one answered the phone.

When I got back up to my house, I tried to call again. My mom picked up and said she was heading to the hospital and would call me back. I was getting pissed off because I wanted answers, and I wanted them now! I looked at my friend Breanna and said, I dont know what to do. She said, I dont know why you still sitting in my face! If that was my father, I would have been left. I was feeling crazy and told her, I dont want to overreact, but OK Im about to head out now. I called my mother and told her I was on my way. Breanna agreed to watch Kaylee.

I hopped on the train and headed to Staten Island and began praying so hard. The entire time I prayed harder than I have ever prayed before. I said, God, please dont let my father be gone by the time I get there, please dont let this happen. I know me and my father dont really see eye to eye on many things, but I dont want him to die. Please let him be OK so I can tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am for being a rebellious teen and how I am sorry for the yelling, the cursing, the fighting, and all the stress I caused growing up, and if you would just keep him safe I promise to do better in my life and be a better daughter and a better sibling and an overall better person if you would just let my daddy live.

I remember thinking there were so many things I didnt understand as a child. I was just beginning to understand them as an adult. My father and I were working through so many unresolved issues, and I couldnt believe it could just be over like this! No way God will do this to me, I thought. Not now, not ever! We were a work in progress, and nobody understood me or our relationship better than my father.

I was so spaced out heading to Staten Island that I thought people were looking at me like I was crazy. I had to take the 6 train to the 5 train and then take a ferry and then get on the bus. I didnt know what bus I needed to take from the ferry so I called my mother and said, Im on the Staten Island side. What bus should I take to the hospital? When she answered, her voice was shaky and she said, Come home, Emerald Hes gone He died at the hospital There was nothing else they could do. I remember asking what she meant, since I didnt believe he could be gone.

She said that I should just come to the house. I got on the bus heading to my mothers house. I was on the bus standing because the bus was crowded. I remember stepping off the bus and immediately feeling a sense of uneasiness, like I was going to faint. I began to slowly and cautiously walk up the street, so I didnt lose my balance and pass out, and I could see my mother and a few other people in front of the building. I walked up and just broke down crying. I couldnt hold back my emotions any longer. I began to ask questions, and I was told that when she got to the hospital doors they said they were working on him for an hour or so. My mom said she kept getting short answers from the police, and she was crying hysterically while attempting to explain what happened at the hospital. She ended up telling me that my father was choked to death by the police, there was a video, and we were waiting for more information. I was distraught. I went into the house to check on my little brother Emery. He was on the couch looking really odd and out of it. I asked him the most stupid and dumb question I could have possibly asked him, and to this day I regret ever saying it, but I asked, Are you all right? He immediately broke down crying, and I hugged him tight and held him close. I could feel his heart beating. I wished I could take the pain away from him. I wish I could have taken it away from myself. I felt so helpless. Emotions of anger, sadness, and literal pain were running through my body all at the same time.

I went back outside and asked my mother where my fathers stuff was. She said, They gave me his clothes and shoes, theyre in the house. I asked her, Wheres the car? She said it was still on Bay Street by the check cashing place. I told her I would go get it, so me and the woman that lived upstairs from my mother, Fatima, went to go get it. I also wanted to see what was going on at the scene. We took the bus over to Bay Street and walked around by the Dominos to see what was happening. I saw a group of people and a lot of cops and cop cars and police tape. I walked over to the car, and I saw a few people watching me, police included. I sat in the car for a minute before I took off. I was sitting there thinking about crashing the car through the group of police standing there because I knew they had something to do with the killing of my father. I was so pissed off, I was ready to do and say some crazy stuff. I ended up driving the car back to Jersey Street, where my mother lived, and just giving her the stuff that was in the carthe cigarettes and the money that my father left in the car. We were outside talking for a bit. I dont exactly remember what was said, but I know they were talking about the situation and the different sides of the story that everyone was putting together.