Emerald - The Power of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)

Praise for The Power of TED*

When practical advice meetsprofound, yet simple explanations for human behavior, we can learn,change, and grow. The Power of TED* does just this, and beautifully."

Anne McKee, founder of TeleosLeadership Institute and co-author Becominga Resonant Leader, Resonant Leadership ,and Primal Leadership

Conscious relationships begin withconscious individuals. Being a Creator in one's own life is theheart and soul of The Power of TED*. This powerful little book points the way toward ahugely fulfilling life of empoweringrelationships atwork, at home, in the whole of your life."

Gay Hendricks, PhD, and KathlynHendricks, PhD, authors of ConsciousLoving (among many books) and co-foundersof The Hendricks Institute

"Knowing the characteristics of the Dreaded DramaTriangle (DDT) and its creative alternative, The EmpowermentDynamic (TED*) is remarkable transformative. It's impossible tooverstate my enthusiasm for this book!"

Brian Johnson, founder of Philosopher'sNotes and Zaadz/Gaia.com

THE POWER OF TED*

*THE EMPOWERMENT DYNAMIC

David Emerald

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2009 by David Emerald.

All rights reserved. No part of this bookmay be used or reproduced in any form

or by any means electronic or mechanical,including photocopying,

recording or by any information storage andretrieval systems,

without written permission of the publisheror author except

where permitted by law.

To all the Challengers, Coaches, andCo-Creators in my life

Preface

1. A Fateful Meeting

2. The Dreaded Drama Triangle

3. A Drawing in the Sand

4. The Victim Orientation

5. Another Friend

6. The Creator Orientation

7. Dynamic Tension

8. The Empowerment Dynamic

9. Shift Happens

10. A Fond Farewell

A Note from the Author

Appendix

Acknowledgments

Suggested Reading

Index

About David Emerald

Preface

Every parent knows the feeling. Children growand mature, and the next thing you know theyre off on their own inthe world. A strange brew of excitement, pride, awe, and a dash ofanxiety churns inside as they forge their destiny. While my lot inlife does not include children of my own, I am blessed to havestepchildren and have witnessed firsthand the wonder of growth thatcomes with experience.

I feel that same sense of wonder at theemergence of this Second Edition of The Power of TED* (*TheEmpowerment Dynamic). TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) hasmatured during the nearly three years since its inception. Ways ofexplaining and applying the frameworks and processes found in thisbook have been honed and refined during this time. In myinteractions with participants in seminars exploring and applyingTED*, through countless conversations, and from the personale-mails and the stories of those who are actively using this bookwith positive results, it is clear that TED* is making acontribution to people in all walks of life.

When people realize that they can be atchoice no matter what the circumstances, they feel empoweredrather than diminished as they face whatever challenges lifebrings. Further, they report the excitement and release that comesfrom reconnecting with their innate capacity to create outcomes intheir lives. As I blurted out during an early seminar, I amdelighted to see that TED* plays well with others! What parentdoesnt beam when hearing of the positive impact their child hashad on other people?

And so I am pleased to report that TED* ismaking a difference in a wide spectrum of people, places, andsituations. There is the physician who wrote, The Power ofTED* provided more insight into interpersonal relationships andthe potential dysfunction of human relationships than my psychiatryrotation and the years of working in a public hospital. The CEO ofa highly successful business shared, Our entire executiveleadership team read TED* and... it has allowed us to bemore aware and thus make different choices about the roles we play.It is a useful, effective, and powerful tool in our leadership toolkit. A helping professional e-mailed, Here I thought I would gainknowledge to help others, and yet I discovered that I was the onewho needed the guidance.... Im already aware of the significantimpact reading your book has had on me, and I believe my life willbe forever changed. Im going to read it again and again until mypractice becomes habit.

Over the years I have heard and witnessedmany other stories of TED*s helpful influence. I remember thewoman whose house was damaged in a tornado, yet she realized shewas at choice as to how to handle the victimization sheexperienced. Then there was the employee who recognized theunworkable ways he reacted to workplace stress, and who wasrelieved to discover more effective ways of responding. The parentof a preteen proclaimed the commitment to shift from Rescuer toCoach in her relationship with her adolescent child. And perhapsmost powerful of all, the federal prisoner who wrote, When I readthe book, the puzzle came together, and who is now teaching TED*to fellow inmates.

The list goes on, of course. (Have you evernoticed how parents love to tell stories about their offspring?) Icouldnt be happier to know that TED* is fulfilling its purpose inthe world!

So what exactly has changed in the secondedition of The Power of TED*? Not much, is the shortanswer. The frameworks and dynamics are exactly the same. The storyhas been tweaked here and there to make it a bit more grounded inthe telling. The models and diagrams have filled out a bit. Howshift happens between the Victim and Creator orientations and theroles of the Dreaded Drama Triangle and TED* (*The EmpowermentDynamic) have slightly expanded as the pathways have becomeclearer. In short, TED* has matured.

In the sharing of TED*, I have matured, too.Ive discovered a paradox at the heart of this work that isbecoming clearer all the time. While TED* is simple, its not aneasy (nor always a graceful) way of being. It is at once simple andcomplex. As my friend and colleague Molly Gordon, MCC, points out,TED* is utterly simple and endlessly nuanced.

Those who have committed themselves toenhancing their capacity to be a Creator are now choosing theirresponses to all that life offers. As they choose to createenvisioned outcomes, they are finding its not a one-time choice,nor a solo journey. Some are forming informal TED* user groupsor TUGs. (Living in the Puget Sound region of the PacificNorthwest in the United States, I often see tug boats helping guidehuge ships safely into harbor, so this seems an apt name.) A TUGserves as a collaborative learning community in which people cometogether to support one another as Co-Creators; to share bestpractices; to explore breakdowns and breakthroughs; to beCo-Coaches and Co-Challengers. To learn more about a TUG near youor how to form one, please visit the TUG section of our website atwww.powerofTED.com.

Youre also invited to visit the TED*Stories section of the website, where youll find a growing numberof e-mails, letters, and stories submitted by readers, telling howthey have used TED* to make a positive difference in their ownlives as well as in the lives of others.

People make The Empowerment Dynamic vibrant.By itself, its no more than a good tool, something thatcould make a difference if people chose to use it. TED*comes to life when you put it into practice in your life andrelationshipswhen you share the journey with others. I stillmarvel at how well TED* plays with others, and I thank you forchoosing to join in. Welcome!

CHAPTER 1

From the bench where I sat overlooking thebeach, it seemed I could see forever. The ocean spread out in ablue expanse, undulating its way into infinity. Yet I couldntreally enjoy it. Inside I was constricted. The surf, some hundredfeet below the bluff on which my bench sat, normally would havesounded soothing. Its calm was lost on me as I struggled with aninsistent emptiness inside.