Emerald - The power of TED: the empowerment dynamic

David Emerald

The Power Of TED*

*The Empowerment Dynamic

Copyright 2016 by David Emerald.

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KINDLE EDITION

Cover and Interior Design by Robert Lanphear

Illustrations by Obadinah
Ebook Formatting by Keigh Design

To all the Challengers, Coaches, and Co-Creators in my life

Contents

Foreword

BY LISA LAHEY

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

Mary Oliver

Ive shared Olivers line with many people over the years. When I do, three observations emerge:

1) People agree on one point: each of us has one life.

2) People tend to respond positively or negatively to the quotation; few people respond neutrally.

3) Within those two reactions, there is significant variation in why people feel as they do.

Some people are delighted by the questions reminder that their lives are in their own hands, while for others, it is a novel but wonderful idea that they could actually plan to do something with their lives. Other people feel ashamed of not being able to answer the question, and others are angry with the presumption that they can plan their lives. Still others laugh at the word precious, feeling quite clear that there is nothing precious about their lives at the moment. Instead, life feels like a weight, a fight, or worse. Some feel so beaten down that they say it seems foolhardy to even imagine being in charge of their own lives. You may have had another reaction.

Ive come to see peoples responses to these sixteen simple words as a window into two essential ways we see ourselves and our lives. Broadly speaking, one way is to see ourselves at the mercy of those around us, and the other is to see ourselves as having agency over our lives. We can move back and forth between these two mindsets, though people seem to operate predominantly from one or the other.

As if it wasnt enough of a burden to experience oneself at the mercy of others, Ive noticed that many people who feel this way are also suffering, feeling stuck, thinking badly of themselves (often quietlythough some people cover that up with their anger), and are almost always on their own, by themselves. They find it hard to ask for help for many different reasons, including not admitting to themselves that they need help and not wanting to appear weak by asking for help.

Asking for help is hard. After all, we live in a culture in which the tacit message is that we ought to be able
to handle such challenges ourselves. This notion is mistaken.

As a developmental psychologist, I can tell you that our individual development needs to be nurtured, and that an ideal environment is one that both supports and challenges us. Too often, we go without both of these conditions.

If I could wave the proverbial magic wand on behalf of each of us becoming our best selves, I would make it so we could ask for help and we could do so before things go terribly wrong, or before we feel overwhelmed and excessively stressed from being in over our heads. Without someone elses perspective, we tend to go around and around, repeating our default patterns and getting nowhere (except perhaps to feeling worse about ourselves for our lack of progress).

Help is here, in this gem of a book. In this short, fast-paced and wisdom-packed parable, Emerald takes us by the hand and lovingly shows us how our psychological default is to operate unconsciously from a state of fear and to take on different drama-based roles as a result. He helps us to see how living out of fear not only keeps us small but creates a dynamic in which we keep others small as well. In other words, we limit our own potential as well as the people around us. We lose a connection to our vision and purpose. Emerald helps us understand the variation of peoples responses Ive described here, and how any of us can move from believing and reinforcing the belief that we have no agency in our lives to a belief that we are the only ones who are in charge of our lives.

Because this is counter-cultural, I want to repeat that developing our capacity to take responsibility for our lives is an achievement that needs to be cultivated. If we did so, we would be able to use our one wild and precious life to create something meaningful. We would be available to support other people to do the same. And together, we might intentionally participate in our communities (in our home, our work, our neighborhoods) to do something bigger than any of us individually could. Dare I say that we could together create peace?

If all this sounds lofty and impossible, let me say it this way: If we could develop our capacity to plan and live our lives fully, we would feel less like victims, helpless to solve the problems other people make for us. We would no longer feel so exhausted from fighting, feeling badly about ourselves for not fighting back, or for believing that we are not good enough. We would have energy to create more of the life we want.

So read this book. Let Emerald take you by the hand. Remind yourself that he has walked this very path (as have I). And go find the community, even if it is just one other person, to provide you with what you want, need, and deserve.

When its over, I want to say: all my life I was a bride married to amazement. I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

Mary Oliver

Lisa Lahey Ed.D., Cambridge, MA

Harvard Graduate School of Education

Minds at Work

New Preface

FOR THE 10th ANNIVERSARY EDITION

This book changes lives.

That message has been communicated countless times over the past decade through emails, during workshops, at speaking events, in on-line book reviews, and in casual encounters when people learn that I am the author of TED*.

And countless times I have been left almost speechless. I will share the reason why in a minute.

From all reports, TED* has impacted marriages, improved relationships between parents and children, informed pre-marital counseling, and healed multi-generational family drama. Its been used in middle school and high school curricula, in college social work and psychology classes, in addiction treatment programs and groups, in diabetes education and other chronic health challenge situations, in community poverty outreach and training programs, and in church youth and book study groups. Its been beneficial for the community of Rwandan immigrants who fled to the United States after their countrys 1994 genocide and their work of reconciliation between Hutus and Tutsis. TED* has been widely deployed in leadership academies, by leadership teams in organizations, and has become the cornerstone of company cultures.

And these are only examples that have been brought to our attention. There are others we do not know of.

Heres one illustration. A gentleman who looked to be in his early 40s stopped by our book table at a recent conference. I have been looking forward to meeting and thanking you for writing this bookit saved my marriage. He proceeded to tell me a story of sitting in a hotel room in his home town, estranged from his wife, holding a book a friend had given him, recommending he read it that night. He laid down on the bed, he said, and didnt get up until he was done reading The Power of TED* . The next day he called his wife, apologized for his part in the drama of their marriage, and said he wanted to create a new relationship.