Jerry Moe - Understanding Addiction and Recovery Through a Childs Eyes: Hope, Help, and Healing for Families

Names have been changed to protect the confidentiality and privacy of individuals.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Moe, Jerry.

Understanding addiction and recovery through a childs eyes : hope, help, and healing for the family / Jerry Moe.

p. cm.

Includes index.

ISBN-13: 978-0-7573-0611-2 (trade paper)

ISBN-10: 0-7573-0611-X (trade paper)

ISBN-13: 978-0-7573-9859-9 (ePub)

ISBN-10: 0-7573-9859-6 (ePub)

1. Children of alcoholicsUnited StatesPsychology.
2. Children of alcoholicsMental healthUnited States.
3. Children of drug addictsUnited StatesPsychology.
4. Children of drug addictsMental healthUnited States.
5. Stress in childrenUnited States. 6. Self-esteem in childrenUnited States. I. Title.

2007 Jerry Moe

All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photo copying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

HCI, its logos and marks are trademarks of Health Communications, Inc.

Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.

3201 S.W. 15th Street

Deerfield Beach, FL 33442-8190

Cover design by Andrea Perrine Brower
Interior design and formatting by Lawna Patterson Oldfield

This book of
hope, resilience, and love
is dedicated to Brent and to all
children from addicted families.

T his book would never have happened without the love and support of countless family members, colleagues, and friends. Without a doubt, my wife Michelle remains a constant source of inspiration and love. Karen Mayers gently guided me along, even at those times I was ready to give up. Teri Peluso stretched my vision of the book and helped make it so much more than I could ever imagine. Betty LaPorte, Sis Wenger, and Joan Connor Clark offered invaluable comments and suggestions to strengthen and deepen the text. Allison Janse put it together in her kind, loving way.

Over the past many years, Ive worked at three treatment centers: Sequoia Hospital Alcohol and Drug Recovery Program, Sierra Tucson, and the Betty Ford Center. While each has a distinct philosophy and unique program offerings, they have all been unwavering in their support of treating alcoholism and other drug addiction as a family disease. All three have provided the resources necessary to establish and build solid childrens programs. Thanks for your vision, commitment, and support.

Special kudos to all the incredible facilitators Ive been blessed to work with through the years. Im reluctant to start naming you as Ill invariably leave someone out in the process. You know who you are. You have taught me lots, and its been an honor to share this special work. Its together that we make a difference.

Children need caring adults to take them to get help. I salute all the grown-ups through the years whove made it a priority to get their children and grandchildren to group. Many are giving these special kids the gift they wished they could have had as childrena safe place to grow, learn, play, trust, and heal. Thanks for your trust, love, and dedication to make life better for your families.

Lastly, I applaud all the children whove come through the various programs over the years. Your courage, strength, and resilience are simply awesome. You have been my best teachers. I think about you and pray for you regularly. I love you. Heres hoping I touched your lives almost as much as youve touched mine. No matter where life takes you and what challenges you face, you are not alone and there are safe people and places to help. Never, ever forget that you are special and loved.

I have something very special and magical to share with you in the pages of this book. I have spent my adult life in the company of children who have been my teachers. Our paths did not cross because they were exceptionally smart, had demonstrated unusual abilities, or exhibited character traits that belied their yearsalthough these are definitely all ways in which I would describe my kids. Rather we got to know each other because someone in their life was addicted to alcohol or other drugs.

For thirty years I have had a front-row seat in group, watching, learning, and helping these youngest victims of addicted families. They live with a legacy that can break hearts and destroy soulsone they did not choose but was thrust upon them by the adults around them.

These groups have taken place in church basements, community programs, and treatment centers, both large and small. Many of these kids live with active addicts or alcoholics; others are referred because a parent is in treatment. They all arrive carrying secrets and shame. Many feel strange, different, and full of guilt. Some see themselves as helpless, worthless, and bad. Then comes the magic.

They find their voice and express their worries, problems, and feelings, and we help them develop coping skills to help care for themselves and keep themselves safe. These children can and do heal from the adverse impact of family addiction by initiating and deepening the healing process before they reach adolescence. They survive and thrive because of their resilience, intuition, intelligence, honesty, and need to trust and love, traits learned in tandem with others who have had similar experiences.

And whats special and magical? The healing process transcends the children and has a dramatic impact on the entire family systemespecially the parents. The love and care these kids feel as they confront their parents disease often stops adults in their tracks and gives them a new, deeper commitment to breaking the multigenerational legacy of addiction.

One of the most rewarding parts of my work is seeing the frightened, confused child grow into a confident, resilient, capable young adult. If you work with children, you know what I mean. Virtually all adults, especially parents and grandparents, hope for this for all children.

In Understanding Addiction and Recovery Through a Childs Eyes I am the childrens voice, sharing their experiences and stories to help adults better understand addiction from a kids perspective. Interlaced among the childrens stories are lessons learned, techniques used successfully, and pitfalls to avoid, based on my work as a childrens counselor for many years. And, to give the reader a sense of the lasting impact of therapeutic intervention on children, each chapter opens with a glimpse into the life of the same family, sharing their journey from the time they walked in the door for a program to the present. The tools each family member learned in recovery have served them well individually, and as a family, through triumph and tragedy.

Each story will remind you that children have a unique way of viewing the world with innocence, wonder, spontaneity, and awe. Understanding Addiction and Recovery Through a Childs Eyes promotes personal growth and long-term recovery for children and their families through simple techniques and tools everyone can use.

Whether you are a parent, grandparent, counselor, teacher, minister, youth worker, guardian, or caregiverin recovery or not