Kathleen OShea - Little Drifters, Part 4 of 4

It was two weeks before Christmas when I got up the courage to ask Sister Helen where I was being sent for the holidays.

Youre spending the Christmas holidays in England, she replied coolly. With your sister Bridget.

Oh my God! Grace was right. I ran straight downstairs into the kitchen, brimming over with excitement.

Grace! Grace! I beckoned for her to come closer so I could talk to her quietly. Grace, you were right. Im going to England for the holidays.

You see, she smiled, her beautiful blue eyes crinkling in the corners. I told you, Kathleen!

The days flew past now and I was in a tumult of emotion. I was thrilled to be going to see my family of course, but nervous as hell. I would see my mother, I knew that. What would she be like? What would I say to her? Two days before I was due to leave Bridget called me on the phone.

Fergal will come to pick you up and take you over on the boat, she instructed. I remembered Fergal from all those years before.

We cant wait to see you, Kathleen, she said before she rang off. Its going to be lovely having you here.

On the day we all left most of the children were sent away before me. The house was very quiet. That morning Id asked Sister Helen what I should pack in my small travelling case.

Just a few things, she said. Dont pack everything. After all, youll be back here in a few weeks.

Yes, that was true. I wouldnt be gone long so I only took a couple of pairs of trousers, a dress, a jumper and some underwear.

Now I went downstairs to find Grace, who was clearing the kitchen in preparation for the winter break.

Ive got something for you, she said as I wandered in. She went to her large black bag that she kept in the corner and took out a white envelope.

Its a Christmas card, she said slowly and deliberately. So youre not to open it until Christmas Day. Okay?

Oh thank you, Grace! I said, jittery with excitement.

She looked at me long and hard then, tears filling her eyes.

Come here. She put her arms out to me and enveloped me in a long, warm cuddle. I hugged her back, but when I tried to pull back she kept me tight in her embrace. I started to laugh.

All right, you can let go now, Grace!

Grace let me go and started dabbing at her eyes with her apron.

Dont cry. Im coming back, Grace! I told her.

I know, baby. I know, she sighed, turning away from me. You will be coming back.

With most of the children gone now, the house felt empty. I strolled into the garden where I saw Lucy still sitting on the wall. Any moment now Fergal would be here to pick me up.

Im going soon, I told her as I approached. Wanted to say goodbye and wish you a happy Christmas.

Lucy was joining a family shed been to many times before and so far everything had been okay there. But it still didnt stop me worrying about her during the holidays. She was so fragile she needed her family so much.

But Lucy didnt say a word; she wouldnt even look at me. She just kicked her legs against the wall and pursed her lips.

Whats wrong? I asked.

Youre going to see Mammy and all the others, she sulked. Its not fair. I dont know why we cant all go with you.

Well, it aint my decision, Lucy. I shrugged. Anyway, Ill tell them all about you and maybe we can all go together for the Easter holidays.

Thats if you come back at all, she shot me an accusatory stare.

What do you mean? I said. Of course Ill be back. Come on, give us a kiss goodbye.

But she wouldnt. So I quickly stood on tiptoe and planted a small kiss on the side of her cheek and left her like that. I didnt know why she was so upset with me. It wasnt my fault I was being sent away. Ah well, I was sure shed be fine again when I saw her after the holidays.

The one person I hadnt managed to see in the whole time since the incident with Colleen was Shane. There just hadnt been a chance. Since we werent even supposed to be meeting up he no longer waited for me at the school gates and I hadnt had the opportunity to get away on a Saturday to see him in the park. But word must have got to him about the beating, I reasoned. The children from the orphanage all talked to each other and I was sure he would have found out and understood why I wasnt coming to see him. Never mind, I told myself. Ill come back from the holidays and fix everything. After all, once I was back in St Beatrices it was only a matter of weeks before I turned 16 and then we could put our plan of running away together into action. Being sent to England now was even better for us I would meet my family, have a chance to see them first and find out where me and Shane could live once we came over together. I was sad not to see him before Christmas of course, but for now I had enough to deal with. I was about to meet the family I hadnt seen in years. I was about to meet my mother again, the woman Id dreamed about and cried over for so long.

Fergal came to get me late in the afternoon and by then the only people left to say goodbye to were Sister Helen and Colleen. It was an unremarkable farewell with them both. Each of them simply said: Goodbye, Kathleen. And that was that. Fergal picked up my case and led me out of St Beatrices. From the moment we stepped outside the front door, I felt a surge of freedom welling up inside me. I didnt even give the place a backward glance. No, I was leaving for England where nobody would tell me what to do. I was free again!

But the long trip took its toll on my nerves. With every hour that passed I became more and more scared of what was going to meet me at the other end. What would they all look like? How would they treat me? On the boat I didnt talk much. Fergal kept trying to start conversations but they all petered out into silence. I couldnt speak at all. There was such a storm of emotion raging in me I couldnt express a single thought. Some part of me felt inexplicably sad, though I couldnt for the life of me work out why. I didnt even ask him many questions I would soon see the truth for myself.

It was early morning when our train pulled into Paddington, and the shock of my new surroundings was truly overwhelming. We were in London, a city Id only seen in postcards or on TV. The place was swarming with people, busy people, smart people, all dressed up and click-clacking about with places to go in a big hurry. The buildings were vast, tall enough to obscure the sky. I saw the cinema, a beautiful ornate building in the middle of the street. And the lights! Oh, the lights were magical. The noise of the people, the cars, the buses and the general din came at me from every angle. It was truly an assault on all my senses.

By now Fergal was more excited than me, eager to be reunited with his family. He flagged down a big black taxi a massive car that Id only ever seen before in pictures.

Not long now, he grinned as we climbed in and gave the driver our address. Our house is just ten minutes from here.

I tugged at my long brown coat, suddenly self-conscious at my plain clothes. My nerves had now reached a critical point. I shook as we pulled alongside a small house with a black front door on a quiet street.

Stay calm, I told myself over and over. Just stay calm.

But it was near impossible. I knew that today I would meet my mother. What will I say to her? What do I call her? Will she like me? All these thoughts raced through my mind and I felt my head buzzing with confusion and fear. I was trying my hardest, but how could I possibly stay calm?